


Our Little Secret

by borninthewronggalaxy



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Kylo Ren, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Armitage Hux Being An Asshole, Armitage Hux Has Issues, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Blow Jobs, Choking, Cock Slut, Creepy Snoke (Star Wars), Daddy Kink, Dead Snoke (Star Wars), Dom/sub, Dominant Kylo Ren, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Happy Ending, Evil Snoke, F/M, Falling In Love, Finger Sucking, Fingerfucking, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hate to Love, Heartbreak, Helmets, Inappropriate Use of Lightsabers, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jedi, Kissing, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Large Cock, Lightsabers, Love, Making Out, Mind Control, Naked Female Clothed Male, Oral Sex, Orgasm, Parents Han and Leia, Possessive Kylo Ren, Praise Kink, Protective Kylo Ren, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Roughness, Sex, Shower Sex, Sith, Slut Shaming, Snoke Being a Dick, Soft Ben Solo, Star Wars - Freeform, Starkiller Base, Teasing, The Dark Side - Freeform, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, Top Kylo Ren, Torture, Vaginal Fingering, Violence, Weapons, Wet & Messy, Young Ben Solo, concussion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:14:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 28
Words: 89,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23704447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borninthewronggalaxy/pseuds/borninthewronggalaxy
Summary: You were a member of the Resistance against the First Order. The night your camp was discovered and raided was a moment that would scar you for the rest of your life. You were brought back to Starkiller base to be interrogated about details of the Resistance's plan, and everyday was torture. Eventually though, your life on Starkiller started to change when you met the infamous Kylo Ren. Even though you hated to admit it, you started to feel something for him. But it always had to be a secret. Your little secret.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 81
Kudos: 367





	1. Flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: there is violence in this story so please don't read if that makes you uncomfortable!

The screams echoed through your ears like alarm bells. You crawled forwards, vision blurry and head throbbing in pain. You felt your bare hands scrape against the hard, coarse dirt underneath you. Fighting for each breath, you forced your body to exert any amount of energy it had left. You had to get away. 

Suddenly, two giant, gloved hands grasped around your shoulders. You screamed in anguish as a hard black boot connected with your ribs in a harsh crack. You were thrown on your side, arms flying up to protect your face. 

"Rebel scum," the trooper hissed through his white helmet as he delivered another kick to your neck, sending waves of pain through your spine. You rolled into a ball, your legs pulled to your chest. Your ribcage was throbbing from the first kick, and you felt hot streams of tears pouring down your cheeks. 

"Aren't you going to beg?" He sneered, "For your precious life?" His boot smacked against the crown of your head, white light exploding behind your closed eyelids. You screamed out, your voice echoing through the cold, night air. You wanted to say something. You wanted to curse at him with every word in your vocabulary. But you couldn't bring yourself to form sentences in your head. The pain was too much, your mind flickering in and out of reality. For a moment, he stopped. You tried through shuddered breaths to push yourself up onto your hands. Failing, you keeled over, choking and coughing up a pool of dark blood. 

"Have you had enough?" He said coldly, kneeling down next to your bloodied body and reaching a gloved hand toward you. He slowly ran his hand through your matted hair, your body shivering underneath him. 

"Shame," He sneered, "You're too pretty to die like this."

You groaned, baring your teeth and attempting to roll away from him. As soon as you moved, he tightened his grip on your hair, yanking you forwards and planting your face in the dirt. His heavy boot slammed down on the back of your head, crushing your nose under the weight. You felt a thick line of blood smear over your lips, coating your chin and mixing with the dirt. You squirmed underneath him, muffled screams attempting to escape your mouth. After suffocating you for a few moments, he flipped you over with his foot, immediately delivering another kick directly to your jaw. You screamed, your hands raising to your face. As your fingers traced feverishly over your bloodied appearance, you noticed raw patches where your skin had been torn off, hanging in thin strips. A wave of nausea washed over you as you forced your eyes closed. 

This is it, you thought to yourself, swallowing your vomit, I'm going to die here.

"You all were fools for thinking you could succeed," The trooper hissed, standing over your body. "The First Order cannot be beaten. It cannot be taken down. It's only a matter of time before the entire resistance is wiped out. Like the scum they are." You coughed, a small laugh escaping your lips as blood splattering over your white and red leather jacker. 

"You're wrong," You somehow managed to whisper, fluttering your tired eyes open and making eye contact with his lifeless mask. "There will always be more. Of us."

"Scum," he said again. Your final sight was him raising a large white gun over his head, roaring as he brought it down with a swift blow on your head. You saw white for a moment, fireworks of pain ricocheting through your skull. Then, in an instant, the pain was gone. The world was gone.

Everything was black. A sense of calm washed over your shoulders. Silence fell over you like a blanket. You were finally free.

You sat up suddenly, gasping. Your body was soaked in sweat, the sheets around you on the cot damp and cold. Your mind was reeling. You'd had that dream again, about that night. Your arms, you realized, were wrapped around your chest, cradling your own body. You rocked back and forth, trying to steady your heartbeat and your breathing. Your chest felt tight, and you could almost still feel the pain in your ribcage. You shivered, remembering the feeling of being so vulnerable, the trooper's figure looming over you. 

Swinging your shivering legs over the side of the cot, you sighed and rubbed your tired eyes. You had no idea what time it was. Your cell was tucked back into the depths of Starkiller base, away from any windows or light from the outside world. It was still nighttime, you assumed. You couldn't hear any troopers marching down the halls outside of your room. The air was cold, quiet. Dead. 

It had been about a month since that night. The one you couldn't stop dreaming about. The night the First Order had discovered your base, killed all of your friends, and taken you prisoner. You still weren't really sure why you'd survived. You'd been interrogated by multiple people about your association with the Resistance, but why had they picked you? You should have died with the rest of them. A second never went by that you didn't feel guilty for surviving.

You shook your head, trying to rid your mind of the memory of the screams. They haunted you relentlessly. You couldn't stop hearing them. There was nothing more that you could have done, you kept telling yourself. You'd expected to die that night. Waking up bloody and beaten in an interrogation chair was not what you had anticipated. 

You were never told when you would be questioned. Some days, you would stay trapped in your cell for hours. But some days they would come. You'd been questioned 3 times so far. Two times by the same lady. You were escorted to the interrogation room by a squad of troopers. Once you were strapped in the chair, she'd walk in, her straight black hair slicked back in a tight bun. Her gray uniform fit tight to her body. She always looked so sterile, distant, cold. You could never find any emotion in her eyes. She would ask you the same question.

"Describe your affiliation with the Resistance." You would tell her all about how you were an engineer on their ships. You fixed them when they came back busted. That's all you did. At least that's all you'd tell her. Then once you were done talking, she would leave. That was it. You really weren't sure why they needed you anymore. You didn't think you were a valuable prisoner by any means. No one wanted to rescue you. Everyone who cared about you was dead, or at least thought you were dead. But for some reason, they kept you. They returned you to your room every time, locking the metal door behind them. 

One time, though, you were questioned by someone else. A red-headed man. He was pale, tall, and always had a nasty scowl on his face. He looked at you like you were trash on the bottom of his shoe. General Hux. You'd heard his name back at the base. You didn't know much about him, but you assumed he was a big deal. Apparently he was one of Snoke's right hand men. The thought made you shiver. 

"Do you know why you're here?" He'd asked you, staring at you intensely. 

"No."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He stepped closer slowly, his fire-red hair illuminated under the bright white lights. 

""Describe your affiliation with the Resistance."

"I've already told you people." You'd replied, rolling your eyes, "I was an engineer. I fixed ships."

"Thats all?"

"Yes."

He paused, his left eyebrow slightly twitching as he glared down at you. 

"See, that's where I'm having trouble believing you."

You gritted you teeth together behind sealed lips, trying not to let him see the fear bubbling up inside of you.

"We know who you are." He hissed, stepping closer again. "We know who you knew."

You felt little beads of sweat appear on your forehead, your head burning.

"General Organa took an interest in you, didn't she?"

You narrowed your eyes at him, feeling your heartbeat quicken in your chest. 

"I've spoken to her before, if that's what you mean." The words came slow to your lips. You didn't even sound convincing to yourself. There was no way he'd believe your lies. 

"Oh I'm sure you have," he replied coldly, scanning your body with his gaze, "You've spoken to her enough to get to know some of her attack plans, correct? Funny that she would trust such a random engineer with such valuable information."

Your mind started to spin. How did he know these things? Your lips stayed shut. You wouldn't say another word. You turned your eyes away from his defiantly, staring down at the ground. 

"It will be a lot easier for you if you just answer my questions," he whispered, sliding closer to your body and leaning his head towards you. His lips were up against your ear, his hot breath on your skin, "There are other ways to get it out of you if you will not cooperate."

You stayed silent, slamming your eyes closed and focusing on steadying your breathing. You were not about to tell him anything. He paused for a moment, considering you.

"Fine," he seethed, leaning back, "You've brought this on yourself."

With that, he stormed out of the room, his long black cape flaring out behind him. You listened to his hard boots clicking against the hallways, getting farther and farther from you. After he'd been gone for a few moments, you finally realized you'd been holding your breath. You let out a long sigh, your head pounding. You dropped your head against your chest, trying desperately to calm yourself down. Your mind was spinning with questions. What had you gotten yourself into? Hux was going to "find other ways to make you cooperate". What the fuck did that mean? Was he going to torture you? It really couldn't be worse than what the trooper did to you. Honestly, you'd rather die than give up any information to the First Order. They'd killed enough of your friends. If you had to give you life to save anyone else, you would. It would be a small price to pay to protect the Resistance. 

It didn't matter. Whatever was coming, you were sure, was going to be bad.


	2. Bad First Impression

It had been a few days since Hux had questioned you about your relationship with the Resistance. You still weren't sure how he found out that you knew Leia. Much less, how he'd known that she'd spoken to you about battle plans. Regardless, you were absolutely terrified for whatever he had in store for you. 

Hours passed like minutes in your cell, your head spinning with a million questions. With every tiny noise, you imagined a squad of troopers busting in and dragging you back to the cold, metal interrogation chair. Maybe Hux would torture you. Beat you senseless until you eventually faded away. You knew for sure, that no matter what he did to you, you would not give up any information. Enough people had died already. You didn't want to be responsible for any more. 

It was the middle of the night. You'd been awake for hours, staring hopelessly at the plain black ceiling over your head. Your body was cold, your only clothing an old, ragged bra and a thin white gown they'd given you to sleep in. Your heart rate felt like it hadn't slowed down at all since the last time you were strapped to that chair, the cold metal against your skin. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes and pulling the thin sheets up around your body. You could hear your heartbeat slamming in your ears, thump thump thump. It was like a drum ringing through your head. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn't get rid of it. There was no hope of falling asleep tonight. Sitting up, frustrated, you rubbed your eyes with your palms. 

You sat there in the silence. It was almost louder than if there had been any noise. It suffocated you, draining you of your sanity. The windowless room seemed so much smaller at night. It was like the dark walls were closing in around you, trapping you forever. You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling yourself start to panic. Breathe, you told yourself, just breathe. You focused on your heartbeat, feeling it slow steadily with each deep breath. Your body slowly started to relax, sinking back down into your cot. 

Just as you finally felt calm again, you heard the door to your cell jerk open. Sitting up frantically, you instinctively reached over your chest with your hand, guarding your barely covered breasts. A single trooper stood at your doorway, blaster in hand. A shiver ran through your body. Just the sight of one of them made your blood run cold. His white mask flashed in your memory. You imagined his blaster coming down on your head, the loud crack of your skull ringing in your ears... He made a step into the room, snapping you back to reality. 

"Get up," he ordered, his voice robotic and cold.

Your cheeks burned red as you tentatively pulled the sheets off of your legs and shifted sideways, your feet touching the floor. Your bare skin against the cold stone sent a chill through you. 

"Where are you taking me?" You choke out, sounding more terrified than you intended to. 

He didn't answer, instead marching towards you and yanking you onto your feet. His gloved hand squeezed tightly around your arm, and you yelped as he pulled you forwards into the hallway. You grunted as he forced you along, pushing you out in front of him and shoving his blaster against your back. 

"Walk, scum." He hissed, smacking the tip against your shoulder blade. Yelping again, you picked up your pace. In the nighttime's silence, the trooper's boots sounded like gunshots against the hard floor. Each step made you wince. 

Starkiller's halls were cold. Empty. They felt dead, like no life had ever existed in them. Each door you passed looked exactly the same, and you wondered how anyone was ever supposed to find their way around. It was like a maze, every turn you took leading you deeper in. Eventually you came up on something you recognized, the interrogation chamber you'd been taken to before. You headed for it, slowing as you approached the door. 

"No," the trooper commanded, smacking at your shoulder, "We're not stopping here."

You heart nearly stopped. Where the hell were you going then? 

"Um," you managed to whisper, "This is where I've been questioned before."

He didn't respond, instead continuing to force you forwards, his blaster pressing harder against you. You flinched, shuffling forwards. As you ventured deeper into the maze-like halls, your heartbeat quickened with each new corner. You had a sinking feeling that you would never come back this way. Or any way. I'm walking to my death, aren't I. The thought seeped through your mind, bringing hot tears to the corners of your eyes. You tried not to, but you started sobbing, tears clouding your vision as the trooper led you forwards. Your cries echoed through the silence, and you could almost feel the trooper's discomfort growing behind you. 

"Stop," he ordered, "Now."

You didn't. Instead, you raised your hands over your face and sobbed into them. He tensed, standing straighter as he marched along. He didn't say anything else, but you didn't care. This is it, you repeated to yourself. I'm going to die. You tried to bring happy memories to your mind. Thoughts of the Resistance flooded in. Meeting Leia, her becoming the mother figure you never had, making friends with everyone in your camp. You remembered how Leia had smiled at you, her hand on your shoulder, as she told you she was proud of what you had done, of who you had become. She'd pulled you in for a hug, her arms wrapping around you, making you feel whole again after you'd felt empty for so long. Another flood of tears streamed down your face, you cries growing louder and louder. 

You were so hysterical that you didn't even notice when the trooper led you into a darker hallway than all the others, pushing you into a small black and grey room. It was warmer in this room, and there was a small window on the wall facing towards you. Endless space met you teary gaze, bright stars shining in your eyes. It was calming for a moment, before you looked down and realized the large, metal chair in the center of the room. An interrogation chair, like the one you'd seen before, but bigger. More intimidating. The trooper shoved you forward again, placing his hands on your shoulders and spinning you around to face him. He forced you back into the seat, holding down your arms and strapping them in. He did the same with your legs, the cold cuffs agitating your bare skin. 

Stepping back, he scoffed.

"You deserve everything that's coming to you, scum" he whispered, turning around and marching out of the room. You stared at him, terror filling your body. Everything that's coming to you. His words were like knives to your heart. You felt frozen as the door slammed closed behind him, and you were left alone in the silence. After sitting for a moment, you realized how terrible you must look. You face was most definitely red and swollen from all the tears. Your hair, tangled and unwashed, was hanging over your face in rogue strands. You tried to turn your head to look around, but were held still by all of the shackles. You groaned in frustration, straining against them. It was no use. There was no escaping. 

You weren't sure how long it was until you eventually started to drift off. You were exhausted after not sleeping for so long, and your breakdown had taken even more energy out of you. Your eyes grew heavy, your head drooping down to rest against your chest. The beeping of a panel on the wall lulled you to sleep, finally allowing you to escape the storm in your head. Finally at peace, you slept. 

The hours passed by as you rested. You dreamed of the base. The family you'd found there. You imagined yourself running towards the command center, meeting with Leia and listening to one of her stories. She'd always had such amazing ones, about the old war. You often doubted how true they were, but you really didn't care. It was crazy to imagine that the galaxy was really as big as she said it was. The resistance base was the only place you'd ever been, or at least that you remembered. Eventually, you started to stir. A painful cramp in your neck greeted you. Groaning, you slowly pulled open your eyes and lifted your gaze, examining your surroundings. 

As soon as you did, you felt your heart stop. You weren't alone anymore. Kneeling in front of you was a man, clothed in dark black robes and a metal mask. You couldn't see his eyes at all, but somehow you could feel them on you like a laser, scanning over every inch of your body. His black gloved hands rested on his knee, squeezed into tight fists. You couldn't find any of his skin, not even on his wrists under the gloves. He was hidden completely. 

You knew exactly who he was. 

Kylo Ren.


	3. The Vision

His emotionless mask stared you down, sending shivers of fear through your limbs. 

You'd heard horror stories about him. About what he'd done. Your blood felt cold as it ran through your veins. Your breath was trapped in your chest, refusing to enter your lungs. Just the sight of him made you feel like you were dying. He was huge, his head almost at the same level as yours, even kneeling. You sat, frozen, staring into the black holes of his mask.

"Are you comfortable?" A robotic, cold voice seeped out from under the metal.

His words took you by surprise. There was really a human under there. You tried to reply, but your words got stuck in your throat as you opened your mouth frozen in fear. Your jaw hung open, wordless.

He slowly shifted, moving from his knees to standing upright. As he did, his true height towered over you. He was undoubtedly the biggest man you'd ever seen. Even under all the robes, you could see the outline of rippling muscles. Your face flushed red. He was silent for a moment, considering you. You suddenly became aware of how little clothing you were wearing, embarrassment washing over you. You wanted to reach to cover yourself, but the cuffs held you captive. You started to sweat, feeling exposed. 

"Describe your affiliation with the Resistance." He said cooly, stepping closer, his invisible eyes scanning you.

You cleared your throat, trying to take a deep breath.

"I was an engineer-" You managed to choke out, "I fixed ships when they came back busted."

"Yes," he replied, taking another step towards you, "But that's not all."

You stared at him, you eyes flashing with terror. A horrible thought raced through your mind. You'd heard rumors about him. That he had special abilities. Powers, almost, that made him able to read people's minds. Ridiculous, you'd always thought. That wasn't possible. But, looking at him now, you weren't so confident. 

"No-" you forced out, "that was all."

You knew deep down that lying to him was the wrong decision. Still, you let the words escape your lips. 

He paused, tilting his head slightly. 

"You're lying." He whispered, his synthetic voice echoing against the metal on the walls. 

"No," you lied again, pursing your lips together.

He moved even closer, his robes brushing against the base of the chair. To your horror, he slowly raised his leather-covered hand. He leaned towards you, his hand stretched out towards your face. 

"If you won't tell me the truth, I will have to take it from you."

You stared at him, your heart racing.

"Please-" was all you could manage as you felt tears start to well in your eyes, "I-"

He slid his hand right up against your forehead, the lifeless void where his eyes should have been meeting your gaze. Suddenly, you felt your whole body freeze. You tried to move, think, breathe, anything. Nothing worked. You'd lost all control of your body. A moment later, a searing pain tore through your head. It was like a sledgehammer had been brought down on you, cracking your skull straight in half. Your brain felt like it had been squeezed to the point of explosion. The pain overtook you, and all you could do was focus on it. There was no escape. You began to go numb from the intensity of it, feeling your eyes droop closed. A voice entered your head, amid the agony. Kylo Ren's voice. It was like someone had put a loudspeaker up to your ear, but he wasn't saying anything out loud. The voice consumed you. It tore through your mind, seeping into every nook and cranny in your brain. Do you think you can lie to me? He hissed coldly. Did you think I wouldn't know? You feel yourself scream in pain, although you can't hear anything but his voice. Stupid, stupid girl. He whispered. When will you learn that there is no fight against the First Order. Against me. You felt a tight force close around your throat, choking all of the air out of your lungs. You'll pay for your actions, fool. You felt yourself cough up the only remaining air you had, your head falling back against the hard metal. Reality started to fade away. You could feel the awareness drain from your mind. Everything was numb now. Your body had gone into shock from the pain. It was shutting down.

But as you started to lose consciousness, you suddenly saw a vision. A picture, clear as day, in front of your eyes. A young man, around 18, sitting on his knees in front of you. You were in a room that looks a lot like one from Starkiller. He had shoulder length black hair, flowing in waves around his face. A strong chin outlined his jaw and piercing dark eyes, flecked with little golden marks stared back at you. His face was covered in beauty-marks, and his shoulders were the broadest you'd ever seen. He was the most beautiful man you'd ever laid your eyes on. You almost tried to say something to him, to ask him what was happening, but you quickly realized that he couldn't see you. He was looking straight through you. His dark eyes were filled with tears, his large hands cupped in his lap. You realized, looking down, that he was gripping something. A lightsaber. He was rocking back and forth, trying to comfort himself as he sobbed. He looked helpless, desperate. You wanted to reach out and touch his arm, to tell him that it was going to be okay. You'd never seen anyone who looked like they were in so much pain.

But suddenly, he screamed, throwing the saber across the room and collapsing onto the floor. His body racked with sobs, he curled into himself and groaned.

"Fuck the Jedi," he cried, "Fuck Skywalker, fuck it all-" He cut himself off as another sob tore its way through his body.

You couldn't take it anymore. You launched yourself forwards, trying desperately to reach this boy. You wanted to take him in your arms and cradle him. You wanted to stop his cries and to tell him that whatever was tearing him apart would get better.

But as soon as your hand reached his body, his figure dissipated into a cloud of black smoke. The rest of the scene started to disappear around you, fading into mist and dropping you into a black void. You tried to speak, but your voice was drowned out by the blaring sound of screams. Thousands of voices, wailing all at once. The sound tore through your head as you pressed your hands against your ears, trying desperately to force the sound out. It was no use. You fell back into the void, you mind going blank again as you quickly faded out of consciousness.


	4. Unwanted Feelings

You snapped awake suddenly, gasping and sucking a deep breath into your lungs. Your mind was foggy--You weren't sure exactly where you were. You glanced around the room with cloudy eyes, listening for any noise. Silence met your ears, making you even more confused. The only sound was a steady beeping from a panel on the wall. You looked down slowly at your body. Cuffs. 

Suddenly, you knew exactly where you were. The memories came flooding back to your mind like a waterfall. Kylo, the pain, the vision, the boy... You started to hyperventilate, suddenly feeling strangled by the shackles. You felt stinging tears in your eyes again as you struggled against them, your skin growing raw from rubbing against the metal. 

Just as you were starting to panic, the door in front of you flew open. Kylo marched into the room, rage radiating off of his robes. He tore towards you, the heavy metal door slamming behind him. You were trapped. He shot out his gloved hand, pinning your head back against the metal with his fist clenched in your hair.

"How did you do it?" He demanded, pulling harder on your scalp and forcing your head farther back. "Tell me. Now."

Your breath shorted in your lungs. You had no idea what he was taking about.

"Yes you do, damnit." He hissed angrily. Even under his mask, you could tell he was glaring at you. You could feels his eyes scanning you like a laser. "Now tell me, worthless girl, or I'll make this very painful for you."

"I-" You try to choke out, "I'm not sure what you mean. I--I'm really not."

He pulled your head forwards and then slammed it back into the metal. Pain exploded through your skull.

"You invaded my mind." He whispered with poison in his voice, "How did you do it?"

Invaded his mind? Suddenly, you realized what he meant. The boy you'd seen. That was Kylo? Were those his memories? How had you seen them?

"So you do remember." He snapped you out of your thoughts, raising his other hand and pressing it up against your neck.

"How did you do it?" He demanded again, pressing against your windpipe.

"I-" You choked, feeling your pulse quicken. Fear shot through you for a moment, but quickly--another sensation creeped in. You hated to admit it, but his hand against your neck made you feel something other than fear. You thought about that boy. Was he really the person under that mask? There was no way that the helpless person you'd seen sobbing in front of you was the terrifying Kylo Ren. But if he was... To your own horror, you felt yourself blush. You were fucking turned on.

Like you'd shocked him, he quickly recoiled his hand from around your throat, retracting his arm and stepping back towards the door. You felt your face burn, this time from embarrassment. He could read your mind, you remembered. If he didn't want to kill you before, he definitely did now. You closed your eyes, expecting him to snap your neck right then.

Instead, he just stood there, silent. He didn't move for what seemed like forever. Maybe he was contemplating the most painful way to kill you. Maybe he would suddenly reach out and slap you across the face. That would be hot, too your mind whispered defiantly. You shook your head, trying to rid yourself of embarrassing thoughts. Your heartbeat quickened in your chest as you watched his chest rise and fall under his robes. Again, you couldn't help but notice his defined muscles underneath them. His mask stared at you, lifeless.

Finally, he stepped slowly towards you, his hand still stretched out. 

"You like that, don't you?" He whispered. His mechanical voice dripped out of his helmet, slowly. Coldly.

You couldn't speak. What had he just asked you?

"You like my hand against your neck, don't you?" He said again, again stepping closer to you, your body still cuffed to the chair. Again, your words caught in your throat. You couldn't process the things he was saying.

"Answer me" he demanded in a cool voice. "You like it."

"Yes," you choked out finally, "I like it."

You watched, frozen, as he took one final step towards you, his robes now rubbing against the bare skin on your legs. He exhaled under his helmet, slowly bringing his hand back to slide back around your neck. You noticed how large his hands were, closing around your throat with incredible ease. 

In a quick motion, Kylo reached towards you with his other hand, again pinning your head back against the metal surface. You gasped, your face flushing red as he moved his other hand from your neck to down along your waist, tracing the outline of your body and making his way up. Your skin tingled under his touch, stinging for more. His finger traced the seams in your nightgown, and he followed them up until he reached your shoulder. He then ran his hand down to your breasts, cupping one in his hand and pinching at your nipple. You squealed with pleasure, your head rolling back under his other hand. He leaned forwards, pressing his hips against yours. You could feel his bulge even under all the robes. You shivered as it pressed up against your leg. You could feel the heat growing between your legs, and you despised it.

You hated the fact that he was able to do this to you. That he was making your body react this way. You wanted to hate him. To hate what he and the First Order had done to you. But here you were, getting wet for him without him even taking off his mask.

His hips bucked suddenly against yours, seeking friction. You shifted under the cuffs, trying desperately to move into a better position to lean against him. He pulled back for a moment, ripping off one of his gloves and instantly returning to press up against your body. You moaned as he moved his free hand down your torso and between your legs. Slowly, he slipped his fingers under the fabric of your underwear, moving farther and farther down until he reached your heat. Fireworks seemed to explode through you as he moved lower and brushed a single finger over your clit, throbbing for attention. You moaned, pushing your hips towards him and breathing heavily.

"I've barely even touched you" he purred, his modulated voice echoing in your ear "and here you are, so wet for me."

You hummed in agreement, leaning your head further back.

"What do you want?" He whispered, pressing harder against you, "What do you want me to do?"

You were silent for a moment, knowing what you wanted to say, but not having the courage to utter the words. But you knew he could hear you. He was aware of every single one of your thoughts...I want you to make me cum, you whispered in your mind. 

"Say it out loud," he ordered, pulling harder against your scalp.

"I want you to make me cum." You pleaded, breath getting shaky. You couldn't believe the words that were coming out of your mouth. You were disgusted with yourself. "Please."

"Say my name." He demanded, pressing harder against you and slipping one finger into your cunt. You moaned into his shoulder. "Say my name and beg, rebel."

You felt you face flush bright red. Your ears burned like they were on fire.

"Please," you managed to get out, humiliated. "Please Kylo, let me cum." The words were like poison on your lips. You felt like you were betraying every single ounce of self-respect you had left. You were supposed to hate the First Order. Now here you were, begging.

You choked back a scream as he slipped another finger in, going deeper than before.

"Fuck," You heard him moan against you, his voice still distorted underneath his mask.

Your walls tightened around him as he slipped in a third finger, filling you completely. You yelped, your eyes rolling back in your head. He massaged your clit with his thumb, earning another satisfied moan from you. Breathing heavily, you started to feel beads of sweat drip down your forehead. Your stomach tightened, feeling waves of euphoria rush through you. Twisting underneath him in pleasure, you felt your nerves come alive.

"Fuck--," you breathed into his shoulder, "fuck, yes, please Kylo--"

You were cut off by his other hand releasing from your hair and going into your mouth, pressing down hard on your tongue. You choked, feeling saliva drool from the corners of your lips.

"Do you want to cum?" He teased, releasing your clit and slowing the rhythm of his fingers inside you. You vocalized in protest, but were again silenced by his leather-covered fingers in your mouth.

"Yeth-" you desperately tried to beg, "pleathe."

You heard him chuckle softly underneath the mask as he returned to his previous pace, engulfing your entire body in a tingling pleasure. You were almost there.

"Cum for me." He whispered, his length pressing harder against your leg, "now."

You felt yourself melt, screaming his name and closing your eyes as your mind flashed white. Pleasure exploded all over you, shooting waves of ecstasy up your torso and through your limbs. You shivered, your legs and arms quaking under the metal cuffs. As you started to relax, he scooped his fingers through your folds, collecting your juices as he drew his hand up out of your underwear.

"Taste it." He demanded, removing his other hand from your mouth and sticking his bare fingers in. You tried to pull your head back in resistance, but failed. You sucked down along his fingers, collecting your cum in your mouth and swallowing. Salty, tangy, hot. You wanted to be disgusted, but you weren't.

"Good girl." He whispered, his voice dripping like honey. "So I suppose you can be obedient, sometimes."

You blushed, licking you lips and relaxing down into the chair. You felt your heart rate calm, your body winding down from your orgasm. He stepped back, releasing his hands from your body. He stood there for a moment, motionless. Watching you. You could still see the bulge in his pants, throbbing to be released. You salivated at the thought of it.

"Don't get too eager, rebel." He ordered coldly, turning around towards the door. You blushed. You had to stop forgetting that he could hear your every thought.

"I haven't finished questioning you." He said coldly, back still to you. "I plan to meet with you again, to go over the details. If you're compliant, then maybe I won't have to punish you. Do you understand?"

You stared at him, not knowing how to respond. Meet again? Punish? What did that mean? Another fingering session?

"You will give me the information I need." He replied, turning quickly to face you with his metal expression. Again, you could feel his eyes scanning your body. "You will be obedient."

With that, he pushed a button next to him on the wall. The door flew open, letting in a gust of cold air. You hadn't realized how hot the room had gotten. The next thing you knew, he was gone. Just like that. The door slammed closed behind him.

What the fuck had just happened? Your head was spinning, your thoughts all muddled together.

To your own horror, Leia's face quickly appeared in your mind. You imagined her finding out what you'd just done. How you'd just betrayed everything you'd ever stood for. You immediately felt sick to your stomach. Vomit appeared in your throat as you gagged, emptying out your system. It splattered all over your chest and legs as you were still trapped in the chair's cuffs. You threw your head back, hot tears appearing at the corners of your eyes and spilling down your cheeks. You felt like the most disgusting person that had ever lived. How could you have done this? You had just let it happen. You didn't even try to stop it. You'd wanted it.

You began to sob, your desperate cries echoing through the room. A thousand emotions ripped through you at once. Guilt, disgust, anger, pleasure. You felt yourself snap. The metal around your arms and legs felt like they were strangling you. You had had enough.

"Get these fucking cuffs off of me!" You screamed pleadingly to no one, dropping your head and sobbing into your chest. Your tears puddled on the floor below you.

Suddenly, without warning, your body fell free from the shackles, flopping down onto the floor. Your head smacked against the cold black surface, your brain vibrating. You moaned painfully, sprawled out on the floor. Pushing yourself off the ground and sitting up, you rubbed your wrists and ankles, looking up in confusion to inspect the interrogation chair. Why had it released you?

It didn't matter. You had to get out of that room. You ran to the wall and smacked the same button you'd seen Kylo press minutes before. The door flew open, cold air again meeting you abruptly. It was refreshing as you rushed out into the hallway, your free strands of hair blowing around your face. You weren't even sure what part of Starkiller you were in. How were you supposed to get back to your cell? You walked slowly through the maze, each turn down a new hall making you feel even more lost.

After walking for a while, you finally recognized the old interrogation room coming up in front of you. Knowing your way after that, you quickly and discreetly snuck back to your cell, slipping inside and closing the door behind you.

You leaned up against the back of the door, sighing and hugging yourself. You slid down to the floor, leaning your head back and gathering your thoughts. 

What the fuck had just happened? You thought he was going to kill you, but then...he didn't. Why?

Eventually, you made your way to your bedside and slid underneath the sheets. You had no idea what time it was, but you were exhausted. You wished more than anything that you had any other clothes to put on, but you were stuck with the see-through nightgown and the cum-stained underwear. Awesome. You ran your hands through your hair, noticing the kinks that were left in it from all the sweat. You definitely needed to take a shower. Unfortunately, that was not an option at the moment. Rolling over onto your side, you saw a flash of what had happened only an hour before. Kylo's voice in your ear as he asked you what you wanted. Your reply, desperate and embarrassing. You cringed at the thought of yourself, but you couldn't quite get the memory of Kylo out of your head. He was intoxicating. And whether you would admit it out loud or not, you needed more of him.

Trying to ignore your own brain, you shut your eyes tight, pulling your blankets around you and pressing your head into your pillow. You prayed you would dream of something other than him.


	5. A Change Of Scenery

"Please" you begged, your voice trill. "Please Kylo, let me cum-"

You were ripped from your dream abruptly by a rough voice in your ear. 

"Hey," a tall trooper met your tired gaze as your eyes flutter open, prodding at your sleeping body with his blaster. You sat up quickly, pulling the covers over your body, eyes flashing with fear. 

"Get up." He ordered.

"What time is it?"

He didn't respond. You rolled your eyes, sliding to the edge of the cot and standing up. He led you to the hallway, blaster again pressing against your shoulder blades. Troopers really were all the same. 

"Where are you taking me?" You questioned, craning your neck to look back at him as you walked. 

"You're being relocated."

You furrowed your brow, confused. 

"What the fuck does that mean?"

He smacked against your shoulder, shoving you forwards.

"Watch your mouth, scum. I have orders to move you. That's all I know."

You turned back around, grimacing. Being relocated? To where? You suddenly wondered if this had anything to do with what had happened the night before. It couldn't possibly. Unless...

"Orders from who?" You asked, innocently. 

"That information is not for you to know."

You frowned, dragging your bare feet against the cold floor. You had an idea of who the order was from. You just weren't sure if it was a good thing yet. As you walked along, you noticed that the halls weren't so lifeless anymore. Squads of troopers marched past you in tight formation, their feet moving in perfect union. Men and women dressed in tight grey and black uniforms shuffled along, never meeting your gaze. They all looked so sterile, dead. Everything at Starkiller just seemed to be so...empty. Frigid. The whole place just creeped you out. 

The trooper led you along quickly, shoving you when your pace slowed even the slightest bit. Eventually you approached a place you--embarrassingly--recognized. The room you'd been questioned in yesterday stood in front of you. A memory flashed through your mind, the feeling of Kylo's fingers, slipping into you one-by-one...

Shaking your head, you snapped out of it, looking back at the trooper. He ignored you, instead pushing you past the room and down another hallway. You furrowed your brow in confusion as he directed you down the corridor, walking down to the very end and stopping at a tall black door with red, white, and green buttons. It had no handle, you noticed. Just a flat, dark surface. Sliding next you, he reached out to press the buttons in an order too complicated for you to follow. In response they flashed bright white, and you heard the door's lock click open. Pushing it forward, the trooper shoved you inside the room, following you closely. 

Bright white walls met your eyes. In fact--everything was white. A small bedroom with a couch in the corner laid before you. You took a deep breath as you ventured further in, running you hands over the top of the cream-colored leather of the furniture. The floor was the same as the kind in the halls, but it matched the walls--bright white. It was almost too much for your eyes to take in at once. The stark contrast between this room and the rest of Starkiller was shocking. It made your head ache. Looking up--you noticed something that made your heart leap with excitement. A window. It was huge. It spanned across the entire back wall, endless space meeting your eager gaze. You ran towards it, throwing your hands against the glass. You ate up the view, taking it all in. After being trapped inside that cell for so long, it almost brought tears to your eyes. 

"You'll be staying here for the time being." The trooper said from behind you. You'd almost forgotten he was there. You spun around to face him, leaning your back against the window. "While you're questioned."

You nodded, peering at him suspiciously. This all seemed too good to be true. You didn't trust it for a minute, but you wouldn't pass up the chance to escape that disgusting pit of a cell. He turned, making his way towards the exit. Slipping out of the room, he closed the door behind him. You heard the lock click back. You were trapped, but at least you were trapped here. It was certainly a step up. 

You looked around the room, you eyes adjusting to the brightness. A small door--you noticed--was almost completely camouflaged into the wall next to you. You walked over to it, pressing lightly against it. It opened, revealing a small bathroom and--to your amazement--a shower. The sight of it made you tear up. You'd never realized how a thing like being deprived of a place to bathe had made you feel so much less human. You rushed towards it, switching it on and letting the scalding water rush over you. Still fully clothed, you ran your hands over your body, scrubbing off the sweat and--other stuff--stuck to your skin. You combed your slender fingers through your matted hair, smoothing out each strand. Your tears melted together with the hot stream, rushing down over your face. You welcomed them, finally feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks. It was naive to feel that way, maybe. You knew that, but you had to give yourself this short moment of relief. Just for a moment. 

Your tears eventually stopped, and you shut off the water. Clambering out, you grabbed a towel and wrapped it around yourself. Venturing back out into the main room, something sitting on the bed caught your eye. Clothes. You picked through the layers, folded nicely in a stack. A white undershirt, a thin grey jacket, a bra, underwear, light brown pants, and socks. Sitting next to the stack, a pair of black boots. You marveled at them, running your fingers over the fabrics. What was all this for? You thought to yourself. There had to be some sort of ulterior motive for them showing you mercy. There was no way that the First Order had just decided to treat you like a human all of a sudden. Whatever their plan was, you didn't really care. You were happy to never get back into that nightgown again. Dropping the towel once you were dry, you slipped on the new outfit, the soft cotton caressing your skin. You slipped the pants on, then the boots, which all fit perfectly. 

You moved back into the bathroom, finally getting a look at yourself in the mirror. A sudden realization hit you. It had been weeks since you'd seen yourself at all. You held your own gaze in your reflection. Your deep brown eyes stared back at you. Your skin was paler than you remembered. Your cheeks were still rosy like you remembered them, but your expression looked tired. It seemed as though you hadn't slept in days, which was half-true. Your hair had gotten longer, reaching past your breasts and falling over your shoulder in deep brown curls. Looking closer, you noticed a new, deep scar on your cheek. Leaning towards the mirror, you traced over it gingerly. You weren't exactly sure where it had come from. The trooper at the base, you suspected. 

Tired of looking at your face, you made your way back to the room. You collapsed down onto the white couch, the soft surface bracing you fall. Nestling into the cushion, you let your mind drift off, your eyes fluttering closed. You were sure that the sense of security you were feeling was most definitely going to be short lived. Drifting off to sleep again, you tried to enjoy it while it lasted.


	6. Your Thoughts Are Loud

The next day came all too quickly. You paced around your room so many times you lost count. You knew they'd be coming to get you. It was only a matter of time before you'd have to see him again. The thought of it made your stomach churn. You wanted to hate him so badly. You really wanted to--but somehow you couldn't. What you felt wasn't even close to hate. You despised the fact that a part of you really wanted to see him. You felt like the biggest idiot in all the galaxy. You would never be anything to a man like him. He probably hadn't even thought of you since he'd left you, sitting there trapped in shackles. 

Still, your heart continued to beat faster every time the memory of him popped into your head. You vividly remembered the feeling of his length, pressed against your leg--his deep voice echoing in your ears. But you knew, that no matter what you really wanted, you couldn't let it happen again. Being with him went against everything you believed in. You knew that he was responsible for the death of so many of the people you loved. You wouldn't be surprised if he was the one that ordered the attack on your base. The thought made you queasy. 

Hours passed by, and nothing. No one came. You started to think that maybe no one was coming. Maybe this was their plan, to trap you in a prettier room just to make you think you were safe and then slowly starve you to death. You couldn't decide if that was better or worse than having to face Kylo again. 

A few more hours went by, eventless. You were laying back on your bed, eyes focused on the plain white ceiling above you, when a noise from the hallway startled you. Footsteps. Heavy, echoing footsteps. You sat up quickly and slid off the bed, staring at the door. You heard the beeping of the buttons on the other side, and flinched as the lock clicked . You were expecting another trooper. That's who it had been every other time. You gulped, bracing yourself for that traumatic white mask to meet your gaze. 

But it wasn't a trooper. As the door swung open slowly, there stood Kylo, wrapped in those same black robes you remembered. Your heart stopped as he appeared before you, seeming even larger than you remembered in the doorway. His mask stared back at you, emotionless. You audibly gulped. He took a few strides into the room as you stood, frozen, by your bed. 

"Are you enjoying the change of scenery?" He asked, cooly. 

You stared, not knowing exactly what to say.

"Yes" you managed. 

He moved closer, his robes swaying around his boots. 

"I ordered that you be moved here," he continued, his voice causing a sudden heat to appear between your legs. Stop, you silently ordered yourself. "I thought it would be beneficial. You're closer to me now. I can keep my eye on you." You sucked in a quick breath, gathering up courage to speak. 

"Keep your eye on me?"

"Yes-" he replied shortly, "You're my prisoner. I often doubt the ability of my troopers. I don't trust them with something of such high importance."

His words made your heart leap in your chest. Something of such high importance. Maybe he did feel something for you after all-

"No-" he cut off your thoughts, turning abruptly to look at you, "You have valuable information that you've yet to give to me. You are a prisoner of importance. That is all."

Your face burned bright red. Embarrassment washed over you like a tidal wave. Why had you expected anything different? Another concerning though shot through your mind. Why did you care at all how Kylo Ren felt about you? 

"I really wish you wouldn't do that." You whispered, fighting the lump in your throat.

He didn't respond, staring you down with invisible eyes. 

"I could hear you last night." He said, breaking the silence. "Dreaming of me."

Your breath caught in your chest. You'd known that he could hear your thoughts when he was with you..but when you were that far away? You suddenly queasy, your stomach flipping. 

"Oh-" was all you could get out. You weren't sure what color your face was at this point. Red from humiliation, or green from the nausea. He took more step towards you, slowly shifting his body weight from one foot to the other. 

"Your thoughts are loud," he continued, "I couldn't stop hearing you."

Was that supposed to be a good thing? You shot him a confused gaze, stepping back to press your back against the side of the bed. He was only about ten feet from you now. Your legs started to shake. He stepped forwards again, closing the gap between the two of you with just two steps. Kylo stood high above your head, chest slowly rising and falling. His shadow cast over you, drowning you in lust. You could barely hear his breath under his mask, and you bit your lip thinking of him heaving over you...touching you all over...

"Is that what you want?" He asked in a slow, drippy voice.

You stared up at him, nodding. Your mind told you to stop--to run to the door and try to escape. But you knew deep down that even if there was a small chance of you getting away--you didn't want to. All of your rational thoughts--your morals--had vanished. All you could think about now was Kylo's giant hands running all over your body, his figure pressed up against yours. You leaned back onto the bed, letting your body fall down onto it. Slowly, you began to pull your legs apart, one at a time. You heard him exhale, quietly. Your clit throbbed at the thought of him moaning into your ear, his fingers in your hair. He moved even closer, leaning over you and meeting your gaze. Your breath caught in your throat—his face being so close to yours. You wanted nothing more than for him to rip off his mask and toss it aside. You urned to kiss his lips, to see his face, to run your hands through his hair. Your mind flickered to the memory of the boy in your vision. How beautiful he was...

He flinched, pulling back and standing up straight. Shit, you thought to yourself as you sat up quickly, slamming your legs back together. Your face burned again as he stood there, examining you. 

"Your interrogation will begin again tonight. A trooper will escort you when it's time."

Idiot, you ruined it, you criticized yourself as you nodded. Your heart ached as he backed away, like you'd poisoned him. With a small nod in return, he turned away from you and walked towards the door, boots slamming against the ground. You almost said his name to stop him, but decided against it. He could hear your thoughts anyway, if he wanted to stay, he would have. Your heart sank a little as he left the room, the door slamming closed and locking behind him. 

You breathed deeply, slowing your racing heart. Tonight you'd see him again--and you needed to be ready. You weren't going to let him get anything out of you. You had to be strong--for the Resistance. For yourself. For Leia.


	7. Get Out Of My Head

"Come on."

Just like Kylo had said, the trooper had come to bring you to your interrogation. A few hours had passed since Kylo had left your room, but your embarrassment still hadn't faded. Clearly, that vision had upset him. You weren't exactly sure why, but it did. You just couldn't get that boy out of your head. He was so beautiful. You remembered every aspect of him perfectly. His long, dark hair falling in curls around his face. His skin, tan and freckled with a constellation of beauty-marks. His chocolate eyes, flecked with little golden specks. His broad shoulders and rippling muscles. His nose, long and full. It fit his face perfectly. Everything about him was just that. Perfect. 

You shook your head as the trooper escorted you out of your room and down the dark hallway. This time, there was no blaster against your back. It was a nice change. You dragged your feet, trying to delay your inevitable reunion with Kylo for as long as possible. You were determined not to let him get to you, even though so far that plan had always failed. Terribly. Maybe there was a way to block him out. You'd resisted him before, but not on purpose. How had you done it? One second he was in your head, the next you were in his. You doubted that you'd be able to do it again. 

As you rounded the corner to the door of the interrogation room, you started to sweat. The sight of the chair made you shiver. You remembered the feeling of being in it all too well. Even more vividly, you remembered the the feeling of it pressed against your back as Kylo leaned against you, his fingers slipping in one by one...

Enough, you scolded yourself. Now was not the time. You needed to stay strong. 

The trooper strapped you in, the cuffs closing around your wrists and ankles. You grunted as he shoved you in with unnecessary violence. 

"Hey-" you protested, snarling at him. He ignored you, continuing to lock you in. Eventually, he finished, silently leaving the room and closing the door behind him. You sighed, looking around. You noticed a few things that you hadn't before, now that you were fully conscious--and not being fingered by Kylo Ren. Sitting next to you was a large basin filled with something--ashes? You had no idea what that was for. Looking up, a red ceiling with large slits in it met your gaze. Through the gaps, you observed a tall ventilation shaft above you, seeming to go on forever up into Starkiller. Your thoughts were interrupted by a banging sound outside. 

"You have direct orders from Supreme Leader Snoke-" a familiar voice echoed through the hallway, "If you fail he'll punish us both." 

"I will not fail." You freeze, immediately recognizing the second voice. Kylo. 

"Well, you've yet to get anything from her. Don't forget the objective here, Ren."

"I suggest that you refrain from doubting my methods, General." He was talking to Hux. About you. Your heart was slamming in your chest. 

"You were supposed to have it days ago and yet you-"

"Stop," Kylo suddenly ordered him, pausing, "She's listening."

You felt your blood run cold. You slammed your eyes closed, trying to redirect your mind from thinking about him at all. For some reason, the first thing your mind jumped to was the big window in your room. You focused on the memory of every star, every color, the darkness of space. It didn't help. Immediately, the thought of Kylo came back. And what was worse, you pictured him touching you all over, moaning into your ear. Stop it, stop it, stop it. You begged for your mind to stop. It didn't. Instead, you started to picture Kylo's dick pressing against your leg, throbbing for attention...

The sound of the door hissing open ripped your from your thoughts. As your face burned bright red, you kept your eyes pressed together. You couldn't bare to look at him. Still, you could feel his gaze on your even without looking, scanning you up and down. 

"I told you before," his robotic voice echoed through the room, "Your thoughts are very loud."

Eyes still closed tightly, you nodded embarrassingly. 

"General Hux has accompanied me today. To make sure we're--productive."

Productive, you laughed silently to yourself. Slowly, you opened your eyes and raised your head to meet the two men's glares. Well, at least Hux's glare. He looked as though he wanted to kill you right there on the spot. A nasty scowl was painted across his thin, pale face. His black uniform came up high on his neck, looking like it was strangling all of the color out of his skin. He observed you with a look of disgust, eyeing you up and down. You returned the same expression back to him. Kylo stood next to him, motionless. It would have been funny--if you hadn't been so terrified--how much taller Kylo was than him. He towered over Hux like a skyscraper. You also noticed, much to your own pleasure, that Hux seemed to try and stand up straighter next to him. 

"Well," Hux spat, "Get on with it."

Kylo, seemingly ignoring him, took a few steps towards you. His robes swayed around his boots in a rhythm matching each stride. You felt tiny as he approached you, stopping about a foot away. 

"Describe your relationship with the Resistance."

"I already told you."

"Tell me again."

You sighed. "I was an engineer."

"Describe your relationship with General Organa."

You froze, looking up at him with terrified, pleading eyes eyes. 

"Don't make me take it from you." He whispered, leaning closer. His metal mask got so close to your face that you could almost see your reflection in it. You shivered, trying to turn your head and look away. He was silent for a moment, considering you, before he raised a gloved hand toward your forehead. 

"Describe your relationship with General Organa."

You felt hot tears appear in the corner of your eyes as you let out a sob. You knew what was coming next.

"No-" you choked, readying yourself for the pain you were about to experience. Fuck you, you seethed in your mind, staring up at him with a fiery rage. I hate you. I hate you. 

"Very well," He murmured, bringing his hand closer and hovering it over the side of your head. You yanked away to the best of your ability, but failed, slamming you skull into the side of the chair painfully. You started to hyperventilate, your chest feeling tight. 

"Don't be afraid," He said cooly. Fuck you, you continued, breathing heavily. You could feel his eyes burning a hole in your face. 

You began to groan in agony as you felt a familiar pain return to your head. Just like before, your whole body froze. You couldn't move, and the only thing you still had control over was your face. A hot white pain tore through your brain as you screamed, your misery-filled voice echoing through the room. Through half-opened eyes, you saw Hux flinch at the sound of your cries. Kylo, however, looked completely unaffected as you writhed in pain, beads of sweat appearing on your forehead. Your head started to feel tight again, like your brain was being squeezed in Kylo's giant fists. Just like before, Kylo's voice dripped into your mind, speaking to you in words only you could hear. This can all be over if you just give it to me. He whispered. Tell me what she told you. You howled in agony as you felt another pressure engulf your mind. It was like his hands were picking through parts of your brain, pulling out information. You tried to fight him--to force him out of your head. You imagined a thick wall going up around you. 

"Stop," he ordered, out loud this time, "Do not resist."

"How is she resisting?" Hux squealed from behind him, his brows furrowing.

You snapped your eyes closed, building the wall up higher and higher in your mind. The pressure on your head increased, and you wailed again. To your horror, you watched as the wall in your mind crumbled before you. You weren't strong enough to fight him. Tears poured down your cheeks as Kylo sorted through your memories. You could feel him going through each one. He pulled them to the forefront of your mind, playing them like movies behind your closed eyes. 

He pulled one forward, a memory of the day that you met Leia. You sobbed as the vision appeared in your mind. You'd introduced yourself, your heart beating out of your chest. "Hey," Leia had said, resting her hand on your shoulder, "relax, It's not like I'm royalty or anything." You'd laughed at her sarcasm, felling instantly more calmed as she continued to speak to you. She'd treated you as an equal, a friend. Suddenly, the vision disappeared and a new one flashed before you. Leia sat next to you, a blueprint laid out before you on a table. This was it, you shuddered, this was the memory Kylo was looking for. 

Drawn sloppily on the paper in front of you was the plan for the Resistance's attack on Starkiller. The one they'd worked on for months. And you'd just surrendered it to the First Order. You instantly felt sick, and you leaned forward in the chair, gagging. Nothing came out--you hadn't eaten--but Hux still jumped back in disgust. Through your choking, you let a tiny smirk creep over your lips. Kylo, however, didn't flinch. He kept his hand in the same position, digging deeper into the memory. 

"This is it," Leia had said, smiling, "This is how we're going to do it."

"It looks great," you'd replied, "but how are we going to get the shields down?"

"That's the one thing we haven't figured out yet." She sighed, leaning back. "When Poe gets back to the base I'll talk to him about it. He always has ideas."

You'd laughed. "That's true."

The memory started to fade away, and for a moment your mind was free of Kylo's invasion. You let your head drop against your chest as tears poured down your face. You sobbed into your jacket, your body racked with shuddered breaths. Just when you thought it was over, the pain came back suddenly, and you cried pleadingly. 

"Stop-" you moaned, rolling your head back to face the ceiling, "Please--I'm begging you--stop."

Kylo ignored you, re-entering your mind and pulling forward another memory. He found one that even you'd forgotten about. You and Leia were sitting in your tent while the rain poured outside. She grabbed your hands in hers as you sobbed next to her, your body shaking and quivering with your cries. 

"I know that you want to remember them." She'd whispered, stroking your hair lovingly. "I wish that I knew where they were."

You nodded, sniffling. "I just can't shake the feeling--I don't know--that they left me on purpose."

"No," Leia stopped you, shaking her head, "Your parents loved you."

"Maybe," you sighed, tears staining your shirt. She raised a hand to your cheek and wiped them away with her thumb.

"They loved you."

Smiling, you nodded and let her pull you into her arms. You buried your head into her shoulder, finally feeling like you had a home after so long of feeling lost. The Resistance had given you a family. They were all you had. 

"Have I ever told you about my son?" Leia asked you after a moment of silence. 

You shook your head, sitting up and meeting her gaze. Her eyes suddenly looked distant, sad. 

"He was my whole world," She started, a sorrowful look flashing across her face. "His name was Ben."

Ben. You'd smiled.

"He was the most amazing little boy. His smile, oh Y/N it lit up any room. He was just like his father-" she paused, laughing. "I was never sure if that was a good thing or not...but he was. I remember how they used to spend hours, just sitting in the cockpit of the Falcon together. It made him so happy. He wanted to grow up to be just like Han...and I think that he would have if he'd gotten the chance."

She stopped, a heartbroken expression washing over her. You noticed a glassy look in her eye. You were silent for a moment. 

"What happened to him?" You asked, meeting her teary gaze.

She shot you a painful smile, looking down at the ground.

"He was taken from me." She sighed, her shoulders slumping. "The First Order--Snoke--stole him."

"Oh my God," you breathed, "I'm so so sorry, I can't even imagine..."

"He died there," she continued, "they killed him."

You'd closed your eyes, shaking your head in disbelief. Why hadn't you heard about Ben before? Your heart ached for Leia. You couldn't even imagine the pain she'd felt. 

"The point of me telling you this, Y/N, is that I don't believe for a second that your parents left you behind. I know what a parent's love for their child is like. It's something that can never be destroyed. It never wavers. I know, without a doubt, that they loved you more than anything."

You'd smiled, a single tear falling against your cheek.

"Thank you, General."

With that, the vision disappeared, and you snapped back into reality, drenched in sweat and heaving as you sucked in air. As your eyes opened back up and the pain subsided, your gaze fell on Kylo.What you saw made you freeze. 

He was visibly shaking. You could hear his ragged breaths from under his mask. You almost thought that you heard the sound of a stifled cry. But there was no way that Kylo was crying, right? 

"Kylo-" you attempted to say, instantly surprising yourself that you felt any sort of concern for his wellbeing. 

He ripped his hand away from your head, furiously turning away from you and stomping towards the wall. Quivering, he paused in front of it, chest heaving with each breath. Suddenly, he let out an enraged scream, thrusting his fist into the wall with a terrible cracking sound. You flinched as he suddenly grasped at his side, whipping out something long and black. In a split-second, you realized what it was. A lightsaber. Your heart stopped as he ignited it next to him, the red flame crackling. He let out another scream, raising it above his head and thrusting it against the wall, the red blaze searing through the black surface. The smell of metal filled your nose, and you gagged again. He continued to carve out deep lines, the alloy curling back against the heat, screaming painfully as he did. You flinched with every strike he made to the wall. Hux did the same. 

Eventually though, he seemed to tire himself out. He stood, heaving, as he faced the now destroyed surface. He retracted the saber, the flame humming as it died. He paused there for a moment, staying motionless. He suddenly whipped around toward you and Hux, his finger pointed out out accusingly. 

"You-" he seethed, stepping towards you, his finger in your face. "You..."

You stared at him, terrified, half expecting him to ignite his saber again, driving it through your body in one easy stroke. 

"General-" He whipped back around, facing Hux, "leave."

Hux nodded, offering no resistance. He looked petrified as he turned to open the door, scurrying out of the room as quickly as you'd ever seen someone move. 

Leaving you and Kylo completely alone.


	8. A Familiar Face

Kylo spun back around to face you, rage radiating off his robes. The room was hot, and sweat dripped down your body. Kylo continued to watch you in silence, heaving in ragged breaths. Your head was a mess of emotions. You wanted to slap him across the face, to take his lightsaber from his side and slice it through him. You wanted to scream every curse word you knew in his hidden, coward face. You wanted to bash his head against the side of the wall and make him beg for mercy. You wanted him to feel every bit of pain he'd inflicted on you. You wanted him to suffer. But then you remembered how he'd looked just moments before--a shaking mess. And as much as you hated to admit it, a part of you wanted to comfort him. The thought made you sick--wanting to help someone who'd just tortured you relentlessly. He didn't deserve your pity, but somehow, you couldn't help it.

"General Organa-" He seethed from under his mask, "lied to you."

"No-" you hissed back, spitting at him, "fuck you, fuck you, fuck yo-"

Kylo lunged forward, pinning his hand around your neck in a tight grasp.

"Watch your mouth, scum-" He muttered, his words like venom in your ears, "You do realize that we don't need you anymore. I could kill you right now."

"Fucking kill me then you bastard," you spat back, fighting for breath. Your eyes burned with a new fire as you glared at him, "I don't care anymore."

He stayed completely still, his hand still pressed against your windpipe. Your vision started to go spotty as he kept his grip, never relenting. Your pupils rolled back into your head as suddenly, he released you. You took in a frantic deep breath, gasping as your head spun. When you opened your eyes again, you couldn't see straight. Kylo was split into three in front of you, and the rest was too blurry to make out. Groaning, you tried to focus on your breathing. When the world finally came back into focus, you rested your head against the back of the chair, panting. 

"She lied." He said again. He sounded calmer now.

"She didn't."

"She did."

"How did she lie, you son of a bitch? You think I'm ever going to believe you?" You narrowed you eyes at him, wincing at your headache that was starting to appear. 

"She said her son was stolen. That isn't true." You froze, peering at him in astonishment.

"You knew Ben Solo?"

"Yes." His tone started to sound aggravated again. It was like the name made him angry.

"How?" His breathing sped up, and you could hear him exhaling furiously from underneath his mask. He didn't respond, and instead started to pace around you, his boots slamming against the floor. He grabbed at his saber again, pulling it from his belt and squeezing it in his fist. He didn't ignite it, but held it next to him. Your heart started to race. 

"He-" He started to mutter, but stopped in front of you, looking at you up and down, "I knew him. That's all you need to know."

"What happened to him?" You whispered.

"He died many years ago." He responded, each word coming slowly, "But he was never stolen. He chose to join the First Order. He realized his true potential. The Resistance never knew how to handle his power. They were scared of it." You took in a deep breath, feeling your limbs start to shake. 

"How did he die?" 

Kylo paused, stepping towards you in slow strides.

"I killed him." He whispered, his voice cracking, "I murdered him." Your breath caught in your chest, anger bubbling in your blood. Your heart lurched in your chest as his words processed in your mind. You felt sick for Leia. You wanted to lunge at him, to tear his mask from his head and smack him with it. He deserved all the suffering in the world.

"You-" you seethed, hot tears in the corners of your eyes, "You're a fucking monster. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you with every bone in my body. You worthless, coward of a man. You can't even show me your disgusting face." Your sobs sent shivers through your body as you leaned forward and drooped your head towards the ground. You moaned in agony, fighting helplessly against the cuffs. As you leaned down, you noticed a line of blood dripping from your nose and onto your body. You tasted iron as it mixed with your saliva, and you spat at his feet, a red splotch landing on his boot. He observed your struggle in silence, never flinching as you writhed and cursed at him. Through your teary eyes, you watched in horror as he eventually stepped towards you again, his hand raised. He reached forward, his gloved hand grabbing a small strand of your hair and running his fingers down it. 

"You hate me?" He muttered as you tried desperately to pull away from him. His touch just made you angrier. You shot out your head, biting at his outstretched finger. You missed, and he recoiled slowly, tilting his head.

"Brave." He said cooly, a mocking tone in his voice.

"Just kill me already!," you cried through ragged breaths, "death is better than ever having to look at you again."

"Really."

"What are you, fucking scared to do it?"

"No."

"Then do it."

"No."

"Why?" You breathed.

"I'm not done with you yet."

You collapsed into another fit of sobs. You chest burned and ached as you struggled for air. 

"You think I'm a coward." He stated matter-of-factly.

"Is that a question?" You scoffed, "Because, yes."

"No. You want to see me. To know who I am. You can't stop thinking about it."

"I told you to get out of my head, you dick."

"And I told you to watch your mouth, scum."

You looked away from him, seething. You didn't care if he killed you anymore. You had nothing left to live for. You'd given the Resistance's plan to the First Order. You'd betrayed the only people who'd ever shown you love. Now they would all die in a mission that was doomed to fail. You felt like a monster. 

"You want to kill me?" He whispered, leaning towards you.

"Yes." You still didn't look at him, but you could feel the heat radiating off of his body. Your face flushed red. 

"No, you don't." He murmured, his voice growing softer, "You want something else."

"No-" you choked, trying desperately to shield your thoughts from his invasion. 

"You want me to put my hands on you--like I did before." He said calmly as you felt his fingertips graze over your shoulder. You quivered at his touch. 

"You're wrong," You spat back, turning to glare at him. "You're not a human. You're a monster. I would never want that from you ever again."

"Really?"

You nodded, trying to keep your composure as--horrifyingly--you felt a heat appear between your legs. 

"Hm," he made a sound from under his helmet. You desperately wished that he couldn't hear your every thought, yearning for him against your best-judgement. You hated him, or at least you told yourself you did. But your body exposed your lies, instantly reacting to his touch. He stood in front of you, watching you squirm. 

Suddenly, he started to move his arm. This time, he didn't reach towards you, but up. He raised it up higher and higher until he reached his mask, grasping the back of it. With a click and a hissing noise, he released it. Your heart felt as though it had stopped beating. Slowly, he slid it forward over his head until it was pulled off completely. With it dangling in his hand, he dropped it to the ground. You watched in awe as it smacked down and rolled back and forth by his boots. Breathing heavily, you looked back up at him to meet his eyes. The eyes of a real person. You instantly couldn't breathe. 

The sight that met your gaze sent a shiver through your spine. Holy fuck, he was gorgeous. Even more beautiful than you could have imagined him being. Your mind flashed back to the memory of the boy. He looked just like him, but even more stunning. His dark, deep eyes stared back at you. The gold flecks you'd remembered in them were still there, but they seemed to glow like fireworks even brighter against his dark pupils. His skin was smooth, soft. His long nose fit his face perfectly, and you noticed a little reddened dent from where the mask had pressed down on his skin. The same beauty-marks you remember dotted his face like stars in the night sky. His lips, full and wet, parted slightly as he took in a deep breath and exhaled. His dark hair fell to his shoulders, curling at the ends and falling into his face. He looked down at you, silent.

You noticed after a moment that you'd been holding your breath. You sighed slowly, staring deeply into his dark eyes. Wow, you thought to yourself. He heard you. A small smirk appeared on his lips. 

"You hate me?" He breathed. You felt your cunt throb at the first sound of his voice without the mask. It flowed like honey out of his mouth, drowning you in lust. You exhaled deeply, feeling your cheeks burn red.

"I-I..." You couldn't even speak. The words wouldn't form in your mind. You were too consumed with drinking in every aspect of his face. You urned to reach towards him, to pull him into your body and let him devour every part of you. You wanted to run your fingers through his thick, beautiful hair. You wanted him to touch you everywhere. You wanted to feel him. Every part of him. 

"I thought so," he whispered, smirking still.

"I-I still hate you." You lied.

"I know." He replied, his eyes scanning up and down your body. He paused, biting his lip. You sucked in a quick breath, your heart rate quickening. 

"You'll come to my quarters tonight," he met your eyes, locking you in.

You stared at him confusedly, "Wha-"

"That's not a question. It's an order."

You gulped, nodding in compliance. Come to his quarters? You weren't even sure where they were. His face going blank, he tore his eyes away from yours, leaning down to grab his helmet from the floor. To your disappointment, he quickly slipped it back onto his head. It hissed and clicked as it locked back into place. He gave you one last look before turning away and walking towards the door, slamming his fist into the panel on the wall and opening it. With that, he was gone, his footsteps echoing through the hallways.


	9. You're My Little Secret

"You'll come to my quarters tonight...that's not a question. It's an order..." 

Kylo's words rang in your ears as a trooper escorted you back to your room. Your head was spinning. The idea of sneaking off to Kylo Ren's personal quarters in the middle of the night made your stomach do flips. You still didn't understand what he'd meant when he said that he wasn't done with you yet. He'd gotten all the information he needed from you. There was no point for him to keep you alive anymore. Maybe he had another reason for wanting you around... No. You wouldn't let your mind go there. He would never feel anything real for you. 

Hours passed by in slow-motion as you sat in silence in your room. The anticipation ate you up inside, and all you could do was pace around and try to distract yourself. What if you got caught? There was no way that anyone would believe you if you told them where you were going. You could almost imagine the look one someone's face if you told them that you were on your way to meet Kylo Ren. 

After what seemed like years, the bustling sounds of the daytime died down out in the halls. You stopped hearing the marching of troopers outside your door, and silence fell over Starkiller like a thick blanket of fog. It was eerie, the way the once-busy base turned lifeless in minutes. Still, you were terrified to leave the room. With your luck, you'd run into someone and be captured before you could even reach him. But you'd head what Kylo had said. It wasn't a question of whether you would go or not. It was an order, and you were more afraid of disobeying him than anything else. 

You had to risk it. Tip-toeing to the door, you pressed against it. It opened with a hiss, and you winced at the echo that reverberated down the hallway. You'd taken off your boots, and your bare feet stung against the chill of the ground. You snuck down the hall, peeking around each corner before you rounded it. You weren't exactly sure of where you were going. He'd never told you how to get there. But for some reason, you felt pulled in certain directions. It was like something--a feeling--told you which way to go. You felt crazy, but when a large white door appeared in front of you, you scurried towards it. It towered over you, just like he did. You knew instantly that you were in the right place. Running your hands along the surface, you noticed that there was no handle. Your heart started to beat quicker as you frantically searched for a way in. It was terrifying, standing out in the open. Surely, someone would see you any minute now. Your hands got sweaty as you continued to struggle, panic engulfing you. You glanced frantically over your shoulder, eyes scanning the dark halls. 

"Let me in damnit!" You pleaded in a whisper, smacking at the door. Let me in, let me in, please, listen, you tried to reach him through your thoughts. Suddenly, the door made a loud hissing sound, flying open to reveal a long, white hallway. You hurried inside as it closed quickly behind you, slamming against your heels. You jumped, yelping--and quickly slapped a hand over your mouth. You eyes took a moment to adjust to the bright white color as you slowly wandered down the corridor. Your bare feet smacked loudly against the stone as you came up on another door, just as tall as the last one. Pressing against it with all of your body weight, it slid open, leading you into a large room, bathed in black and grey. You moved farther in, noticing how much colder this room was then the hallway. You shivered, glancing around. The room was pretty empty, except for a large, black bed and a few doors lining the walls. But on the wall behind the bed was a giant window, just like the one you'd seen before. It stretched all the way from the floor to the ceiling, and you marveled at it. For a moment, you almost forgot where you were. 

"You came." A voice spoke from behind you. You whipped around, your heart rate instantly speeding up.

"You said it was an order." You breathed, your heart slamming in your chest. Kylo stood motionless at the door you'd just come out of, his hidden face watching your every move. Your heart dropped a little as your eyes fell on his mask. 

"It was." He replied coldly, his mechanical voice echoing through the room. You watched with bated breath as he slowly made his way towards you, his robes shifting around his legs. Closing the space between the two of you, he stopped, raising his gloved hand and running his fingers along a strand of your hair. The surprising act of affection made your body feel as though it was frozen, watching him with bated breath. He moved his hand down along your chin, then your neck, and traced the shape of your collar bone. You quivered under his touch. Your cheeks flushed with color as you felt the heat reappear between your legs, stronger than before. He stepped even closer, backing you towards the bed and towering over you. You felt the back of your knees hit the soft fabric, and you flopped down on the mattress. 

"I haven't stopped thinking of you," he muttered, leaning over you, "Of your tight little pussy."

You moaned quietly, his words igniting the heat between your legs into a flame. You stretched back further onto the cushion and slowly pulled your legs apart, just like you'd done before. He watched you in silence, his shadow falling over your body. 

"Take off your clothes," he suddenly whispered, his gaze scanning you. 

You froze, "All of them?"

"Yes."

Your face burned and your heartbeat slammed in your ears like a drum. The thought of stripping all of your clothes off while Kylo watched made you feel dizzy.

"If you don't, I'll do it for you." He said coldly.

Your breath hitched, and you choked a little. 

"Please-" was all you could manage as he lowered closer to you. He considered you for a moment before moving his hand toward you, his fingers grasping the waist of your pants. Fireworks exploded through your nerves as he pulled the fabric down your legs, exposing your bare skin. His hand grazed along your stomach as he moved back up to your chest, sliding your jacket down your arms one at a time. He tossed it aside, his hands moving back to your shirt. He pulled at the bottom of it, raising it over your head and slipping it off. The chill of the room hit you abruptly, and a shiver ran through your spine. You were now completely exposed except for your bra and underwear. Behind the mask, Kylo's eyes drank you in. You could feel his gaze on you, burning holes in your body. His fingertips traced down your sternum, your skin tingling. You breathed heavily, urning for more. He could hear your every thought. He knew what you wanted. But he stayed suspended above you, his fingers tracing your figure. 

"Take off your mask." You murmured, staring up at him with pleading eyes. 

He flinched, but stayed in the same position. 

"Please-"

You watched in silence as he considered it, your heart beating faster with each passing second. Without saying a word, he reached back and it released with a hiss. He slid it over his head, his thick black hair springing free, falling into his face. His dark eyes glanced at it in his hand, but he quickly discarded it on the floor, focusing his gaze back on you. You still weren't used to seeing him. He was just as beautiful as before, but with him so much closer now, you took a moment to admire him in detail. He exhaled quietly, his full lips parting. You stared at them, your body tensing. You wanted to taste him, to feel his mouth against yours. 

A flicker of something flashed through his eyes, and his lips curled into a smirk. You noticed small dimples in his cheeks as he did. He leaned down slowly, his face inches from yours. His hands, still gloved, grasped at your waist and moved up, sliding over your breasts. You moaned, your hands drifting on top of his. 

"You're not the one who gives the orders here," He whispered, his lips teasing yours as he kept them just far enough away. His hot breath tickled your nose, and you tremored underneath him. "I am-" He paused. Your body ached desperately for his touch, and you bucked your hips toward his. Suddenly, he shot his hand up from your breast to around your neck, squeezing tightly. You gasped, leaning your head back onto the mattress, letting out a choked moan. 

"You don't deserve for me to touch you," He seethed, "I thought that you hated me."

"I-do." You gasped, your eyes focused on his mouth. He was listening to your thoughts--you knew--and you concentrated on his full, wet lips-

Kylo crashed into you, his mouth suffocating yours in a deep kiss. His lips were soft and smooth, and you melted into him as his body collapsed on top of yours. You buried your hands in his hair as your tongues twisted together, pulling him closer to you. He moaned against your lips as he backed away momentarily, heaving. A wild expression flashed in his eyes, and he smirked. 

"Fuck," he muttered as he fell back into you, his mouth moving from your lips to your chin. He kissed along your neck, leaving marks and bruises as he sucked at your skin. You moaned as he traced his mouth along the line of your sternum, making his way down to your breasts. He paused, slowly his pace and pinching at your nipple with his gloved fingers. The cold leather set your nerves on fire, and you squealed at his touch. He snapped off your thin bra with a quick flick off his wrist, tossing it away from you. Breathing heavily, he moved his mouth to where his fingers were, sucking at your nipple and letting his tongue swirl around it. You moaned, arching your back and ramming your hips against his, your clit throbbing for some sort of friction. You dug your fingers deeper into his scalp as he kissed down your stomach, making his way to the hem of your underwear. Another quick snap of his wrist and he tore them off, the fabric falling to the floor. His lips drifted father down, his giant hands grasping at the insides of your thighs and pulling them father apart. He slid down off the edge of the bed, kneeling in front of your naked body with his head between your legs. He let out a small moan as began to kiss along your inner thigh, getting closer and closer to your heat. He paused when he reached it, wetting his lips and exhaling softly against you. You squirmed as he began to tease the edges of your folds with his tongue, causing a shiver to run through your body. 

"You don't deserve this," He said quietly, glancing up at you, "you deserve to be punished for how you've acted."

"Punish me then," You breathed, feeling your legs begin to shake as you his tongue traced faintly over your clit. You moaned, your head falling back against the mattress as suddenly, Kylo's lips closed around your pussy, sucking at your folds. You squealed, your hips bucking against his face. You pulled at his hair, grabbing strands in your fists and yanking at them. He moaned into you, his voice muffled and his tongue moving in rhythmic circles around your clit. You could feel his nose pressing into you, adding to the building pleasure between your legs. You squirmed more as his hands squeezed your thighs tightly, leaving red marks in your skin as he sunk into you. 

"Shit," you choked as he kissed feverishly up and down, his saliva mixing with your juices. You barely even noticed as he lifted one of his hands from your leg, a puffy handprint left behind. He ghosted his thumb over your clit, his hand still gloved in leather. 

"Do you want to cum?" He whispered, his breath tickling the inside of your thigh. 

"Yes-" You hummed, bucking towards him again. 

"Beg for it." Your face burned, even more than it already was. You swallowed the lump of embarrassment in your throat, exhaling deeply. 

"Please Kylo, please--shit--let me cum, please." Kylo's finger rammed into you, curling inside your cunt. You screamed, pleasure washing over you like a tidal wave. 

"Look at me." He ordered between breaths as he continued to work his lips up and down your slit. You tilted your chin towards him, meeting his gaze. He stared back at you, his dark eyes piercing through you. Your eyes fluttered as you felt another wave of euphoria wash over you, a second finger slipping in. You tried to keep eye contact, but as you felt your peak approaching, you lost control of your body, your eyes rolling back in your head. Your grip on his hair tightened as you pulled him towards you, aching. 

But suddenly, without any warning, he backed away, his fingers yanking out of you. Your hands flew out of his hair and you groaned in protest, propping yourself up on your elbows to stare at him.

"You've been so disobedient," he whispered, heaving, "I told you before, you don't deserve this."

You glared at him, feeling your orgasm slip farther away with every passing second. But as your eyes scanned over him, you noticed the obvious bulge in his pants. You mouth watered at the sight of it, throbbing to be released. He watched you, eyes following yours down to his erection. He smirked, shifting closer to you again. 

"Is this what you want?" He muttered, his face just inches from yours, propping himself over you on his strong, defined arms. 

"Yes-" You breathed, interrupted as he feverishly pressed his lips against yours, taking in a deep breath through his nose. Your body buzzed at the return of his touch, his hands roaming over your bare chest. You could feel his smirk against your mouth, and you melted into him, running your fingers through his hair and grasping at the back of his neck. He was warm, pressing against you and forcing you deeper into the mattress. You body was crushed under his weight as he leaned you back, and you could feel his length pressing against your leg, hard and long. Your hands left his hair, roaming from his chin to his chest and down to the hem of his pants. Without breaking the kiss he responded, bringing his own hands down and pulling the fabric away from his concealed length. It sprung free, meeting your ravenous eyes as you backed away from the kiss, admiring it. 

Fuck, your thoughts whispered as your cunt throbbed for it. He was huge. You knew that he was listening to you, and his cock twitched as you pictured it in your mouth, suffocating your throat. Kylo watched you for a moment, fisting it in his giant hands, rubbing himself. His breath hitched as your eyes met, drenched in urning. He shifted forwards, bringing his length to the edge of your lips. He dug his hands into your scalp, yanking at your hair and forcing your face into his hips. You slowly began to run your tongue along the base of his dick and up to the tip. He choked back a moan, bucking towards you vigorously. You closed your lips around his thick length, feeling it slide back into your throat as he thrusted into you. You swirled your tongue around it, earning another deep moan from him. Hot tears appeared in the corners of your eyes as he slammed into you, his tip meeting the back of your throat. You gagged against him, sweat covering your body. The air between the two of your heated up and the hair falling into his face became drenched in sweat. Your hands ghosted along the sides of his shaft as you guided him in and out of your mouth, your tongue drawing lines of saliva up and down. The salty taste of his pre-cum coated your palette, spurring you on as you listened to his ragged, heaving breaths. 

"Shit-" He choked, his dick pulsing in your throat. Your lips felt numb as you continued, covered in sweat and drenched in tears. 

"You're m--my," he whispered through moans, "my little--s--secret."

Secret. His words caused a mix of thoughts to fly through your mind. But your mind wasn't focused on what he was saying. All you could think of was his think length in your mouth, fucking the back of your throat with desperate thrusts. You gagged again as he went deeper, a satisfied hum escaping past his lips. You could barely see his face, but when you attempted to glance up, he was watching you, gasping through his moans. Suddenly, he pulled away from you, your mouth feeling empty without his dick filling it. 

"Lie back--fuck--now," he ordered, his eyes wild as he fisted his length in his hands, rubbing himself with jagged, sloppy movements. You fell back onto the mattress, your breasts jiggling with the movement of your body. He growled, choking back a frenzied cry, dick twitching in his grasp as he let himself release. You closed your eyes as a hot stream of cum shot onto your bare chest, coating your skin. He jerked himself through his orgasm, heaving and holding back sounds of pleasure from escaping his lips. He sighed exhaustedly, staring down at you, covered in his seed. He shot a gloved hand towards you, tracing two fingers through the pool and forcing his fingers past your reddened lips. You hummed as you sucked at the leather, the taste of it mixing with the salty flavor of his cum. 

"Good," he breathed, sweat covering his face. 

You heaved as he finally released you, stretching out on the mattress. You treasured the air filling your lungs, your head spinning from being deprived of a deep breath for so long. Your eyes were closed as Kylo flopped down on the mattress next to you, the heat of his body still noticeable, even from a few feet away. Your eyes fluttered open as you turned your head to face him. But he wasn't watching you anymore. He laid, sprawled out on his back, staring up at the ceiling and sucking air into his lungs. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. His arms were crossed over his chest, and only then did you notice that he was still fully clothed. You, on the other hand, were fully nude. The realization brought a wave of shame washing over you and you sat up, quickly looking for the clothes that Kylo had thrown so frantically around the room. Your shirt had landed a long ways away, and you scurried over to get it, the cold air fresh against your hot skin. As you bent down to reach for it, you felt eyes on you again. You froze, bent over, turning to meet his gaze. He'd sat up, and was silently watching you with glittering eyes. 

"You need to leave," He said abruptly, his face emotionless. Cold. Your face flushed red and you stared at him, confusion clouding your thoughts. His words stung at your heart like fresh cuts. 

"What?"

"What is it that you're failing to understand?" He spoke so calmly, like you were the one saying crazy things. Your blood instantly started to boil. The thought of walking over and slapping him flashed through your mind. 

"Um-" you started, tilting your head and peering at him, "I just--I thought maybe you would let me stay. I mean, we jus--"

"No," He said without a hint of care in his tone, "I told you. You're my secret. I can't have anyone finding out that I'm sleeping with scum."

Scum. You scoffed at his words, trying to pretend that it didn't shatter your soul. But he could hear your thoughts. He could see the tears reappearing in your eyes. He could see your shoulders slump, defeated and embarrassed. He knew exactly how his words were tearing you apart, breaking you with each syllable. But he didn't care. His face stayed like stone, his eyes dead and emotionless. 

You sucked in a deep breath through your teeth, swallowing the lump of shame and disappointment--in yourself and him--forming in your throat. 

"Fine-" you sighed, attempting to appear like his rejection didn't affect you at all. You were strong. You were fine. You didn't care about him. He was a monster. You shot the thoughts at him, glaring. If he heard you--which you were sure he did--he didn't react. He just sat there, eyes scanning you with a look you couldn't place. After a few moments of awkward silence, he stood, turning away from you and marching to one of the many door lining the walls of the room. He grabbed at a handle, pulling it open and disappearing inside, the door slamming behind him. With that, you were left alone in his bedroom, your mind spinning with a million emotions. But the strongest one--shame--brought pools of tears to your eyes, pouring down your cheeks as you frantically gathered your clothing, throwing it on haphazardly. You just needed to get out of that room. Back to your bed. Back to where Kylo couldn't see you break down. He could still hear you--you realized with horror--but what else could you do. There was no real escaping him. No real escape. 

As you scurried down the white corridor to the main door, your vision was clouded with humiliation. You didn't even care enough to be quiet as you spilled out into the silent hallway, running with loud footsteps back to your room. Luckily, you found your way back fairly quickly, tearing open the door and flying inside. You ran to your bed, collapsing onto it and sobbing into your pillow. There's no real escape. The thought circled through your mind as you cried, desperate wails escaping your lips. You realized with terror that you'd let yourself feel something for him. Something more than just lust. You wanted him to want you. To need you. And you realized something else. You would never be more to him than just what he'd said. Scum. And nothing you ever did was going to change that. You were humiliated not only that you'd let him touch you, but that you'd begged for him to. And what was worse--that you'd expected him to want you to stay afterwards. 

Scum. Secret. The words echoed through your ears as you tried desperately to fall asleep. But you knew that even if you did, all of your dreams would be of his stupid, beautiful fucking face.


	10. An Old Friend

"You're beautiful," He whispered, his hands tracing a line down your face, pulling your chin towards his and ghosting a soft kiss on your lips. You smiled against him, your cheeks glowing with blush. His body was warm up against yours, his skin soft and smooth. You were laying in his bed, surrounded by black sheets and cold air. He was watching you with his dark eyes, scanning over every inch of your skin. 

"And you're mine," he added, a genuine smile creeping across his lips.

"All yours," you whispered, melting towards him and nestling into his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat pound in his chest. It sped up as you grew closer, making you blush again. You felt safe as his giant arms wrapped around you, holding you to him. He clung to you like he never wanted you to leave, and you never wanted to either. You were home with him. He was your home...

You snapped out of your dream, sitting up abruptly. You looked around the room, searching for what had woken you up so suddenly, but nothing was there. The room was empty, silent. Nothing was out of place. Strange. You shook your head, rubbing your tired eyes. For a moment, you were free of all recollection of the night before. But only for a moment. All too quickly the memories came flooding back, instantly making your stomach drop. 

You need to leave. Secret. Scum. His words rang in your ears, haunting you. None of the embarrassment had faded, and you grimaced as you went through each moment in your mind, each one worse than the last. What was even worse was that even after all of that, you still found yourself urning for him. For his touch. For his voice in your ear. For his body against yours...

Stop, you ordered yourself, rolling your eyes. You needed to forget about him, or at least stop thinking about him so much. After all, he could still hear you. If he was going to listen, he needed to hear all of the terrible things you thought about him. That he was a monster. A murderer. A cold hearted, worthless man. That you hated him more than anyone in the world. That he would never get to touch you again. But deep down, you knew he didn't care what you thought about him. Because to him, you didn't matter. You never had. 

Groaning, you pulled yourself out of bed. You made your way to the bathroom, pulling your hair into a pony-tail. Looking in the mirror, you stared at yourself. You were a mess--your face puffy and swollen from crying so damn much. Your eyes were surrounded by dark circles, and your usual cheery-looking face was pulled into a deep frown. Maybe this was his plan all along, you thought to yourself, to make you feel like you had an ally in all of this just to rip it all away from you as soon as you felt comfortable. But on second thought, you doubted that he'd even thought it through that much. He probably hadn't thought about it at all.

Walking back out into your room, your eyes fell onto something new. A pile of clothes, folded perfectly on the couch. You tentatively picked through them, realizing quickly that it was a uniform. A First Order uniform. Sanitation, the name tag read in white letters. You furrowed your brows, confused. First off, when had someone dropped off a uniform? Second, since when did you work in sanitation? A note sat on the couch next to the clothes, enveloped in a black envelope and sealed with a glossy red stamp. The symbol of the First Order. You picked it up, ripping it open and starting to read. 

You have been selected to participate in our prisoner reconditioning program. You will be working in our Sanitation department, effective immediately. You are to report to the command center at exactly 3:00 today to begin your training. If you do not comply, there will be extreme consequences. 

"What the-," you scoffed, tossing the letter aside and beginning to pace. Prisoner reconditioning? What was the supposed to mean? It made more sense for them to kill you. There was absolutely no reason for you to still be alive. You'd served your purpose. Kylo had gotten the information from you. He didn't need you anymore. But now, you were supposed to work for the First Order. As a janitor? It didn't make any sense. 

On top of the uniform, a small wristwatch caught your eye. Grabbing it frantically, you checked the time. 2:10 PM. You'd slept until 2? According to the note, you were supposed to be at the Command Center at 3. The only problem was, you had absolutely no idea where that was, or what it looked like. It could be all the way across Starkiller for all you knew. Your head was spinning with questions, but you figured it was better to think about them after you found where you were supposed to be. You didn't want to find out what those "extreme consequences" were. Hurrying out of the room, you spilled frantically into the hallway, picking your pace up into a jog. You made your way down hall after hall, having almost no idea where you were. Unfortunately, you did recognize one place. Kylo's door appeared in front of you, just as tall and intimidating as you remembered it. The sight of it made you nauseas, but you sped past it. You couldn't think about that right now. You checked the time--2:30. 

"Shit", you cursed under your breath as you ran forwards. Every new turn looked exactly the same as the last. You were trapped in Starkiller's maze, and your head started to spin. You would never make it. You felt yourself start to panic. 

"Hey!" A modulated voice came from behind you. You spun around, a white mask meeting your terrified gaze. The trooper stood tall above you, blaster in hand. You tried not to look paralyzed with fear. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I trying to get to the Command Center," You blurted, "I'm supposed to report for training. Sanitation training for the--uh--the prisoner-reconditioning program or, whatever it's called."

"Oh," he said, straightening his back. "Well you're going the wrong way then."

"Oh yeah, I have no idea where I'm going," you lamented, "Would you mind telling me where to go?" He paused for a moment, then turned to point down the hallway behind him. 

"4 right turns then 5 lefts. That should get you there. You'll see a big room with lots of windows."

"Oh god, thank you so much." You sighed, rushing past him as he jumped to get out of the way. You followed his directions, running as fast as you could. 4 right turns and 5 lefts later, you came up on it--the command center. It was huge. A giant door-less opening laid before you--and past it--a giant room covered in windows. Space spilled out before your eyes, drowning the room in a starry-light. You slipped inside, instantly overwhelmed by the scene that met you. Clusters of people, dressed in tight black and grey uniforms sat at control panels, each person seeming to have a different job. They messed with different colored buttons, spoke into earpieces, and never looked up from their screens. They were like robots. Groups of troopers stood in different places around the room, motionless and with blasters-in-hand. You had no idea where you were supposed to go, or who you were supposed to talk to. No one seemed to acknowledge your presence, and you stood awkwardly at the entrance, sweating. 

But all too quickly you saw someone you did recognize. Hux's frowning face met your gaze, marching towards you in long strides. You gulped as he approached you, stopping and shooting you a nasty glare. 

"Where is your uniform?" He asked, eyeing you up and down. Shit, you'd completely forgotten to put on the stupid uniform when you'd rushed out of the room. 

"Oh--I forgot it, I'm sorry." You stammered. Even you thought you sounded stupid. 

"Forgot it?" He scoffed, smirking, "You're even denser than I thought." You glowered back at him, biting you tongue from saying all the things you were thinking. You weren't trying to die today. At least not yet.

"Ren decided that it would be beneficial for you to be put to good use. We may need you for more information at some point in the future. But for now, you should be put to work. Your group is in there," He sighed, pointing to a small black door in the wall, "Next time, don't forget your uniform."

You nodded, seething. But his words stuck in your mind. Kylo had suggested this. You sulked past him, heading for the door and mulling his statement over. You pushed it open, hesitantly stepping inside. A small room with a glossy black table greeted you. A tall woman dressed in a gray uniform stood at the head of the table, eyeing you with a judging gaze. 

"You're late." She hissed, her small lips pursing. You checked your watch. 2:55.

"Wha-" you started.

"Five minutes early is ten minutes late." She cut you off, motioning towards the chairs surrounding the table. You sighed, putting your head down and slumping into one of them. As you settled in, you realized that you hadn't even had a chance to see who else was there yet. Glancing up, you scanned around the room. About 10 people sat at the table with you, each person wildly different than the next. A girl--maybe a little older than you--sat to your right, arms folded against her chest. A giant, muscly man sat a few seats down. 

But as you peered around at everyone, something caught your eye. A symbol. One you hadn't seen since that night--when you were captured. The symbol of the Resistance, on a torn up coat sleeve. The First Order probably hadn't noticed it was there--since the fabric was so destroyed. But you recognized it right away. Eyes bulging, you quickly raised you gaze to see who the jacket belonged to. When you did, your heart stopped. 

A boy with dark haired and a stunned expression was looking you directly in the eyes. His eyes, bright and green, stole your breath away. You stared at each other, neither of you able to speak. Too much was going through your head at once. You two were no strangers. 

You knew him. Quill.


	11. He Felt Like Home

You didn't hear a word that the instructor was saying for the entire meeting. You were too distracted by the boy sitting across from you--never once letting go of your gaze. You didn't know what to think, feel--anything. The shock of seeing him overtook you, paralyzing your body and mind. Everything just went blank. 

Quill. You knew him--or you'd known him. You'd thought he was dead, just like the rest of them. You thought you were the only one that had survived, but there he was, sitting across from you. He'd probably thought the same, judging by the shocked expression on his face. He looked you up and down from across the table, his green eyes bringing back memories you hadn't thought of in a long time. You'd been friends back at the base. Good friends. He knew you like you knew yourself. There wasn't a day that went by that you hadn't spoken to him. He'd been with you ever since you could remember. A specific memory bubbled to your mind as you stared at him, shock clouding your vision. 

You two were back at the base, leaning up against a ship that he'd agreed to help you fix. He was no engineer, but you thought it was sweet that he'd wanted to help. 

"I saw you walking with Leia yesterday," he'd said, tucking his dark hair behind his ear, "You looked upset. Is everything okay?" It was the day you'd talked to Leia about your parents. The day that she'd told you about Ben.

"Yeah," you lied, faking a smile, "I was just stressed." He narrowed his eyes at you, a doubting look on his face.

"Y/N, come on." He prodded, "I know you. What's going on?" You sighed, drooping your head.

"Do you ever feel--I don't know--lost?"

"Yeah," he scoffed, "all the time."

"I mean, like, you don't have a real place that you can call home?"

"This is my home," He said with confidence, "And it's yours too." You smiled weakly, fiddling with your shirt sleeve. Suddenly, he reached over and took your hands in his, turning you towards him and forcing you to meet his gaze. 

"This is your home. Here, with me."

You felt your heart leap as he spoke, your cheeks burning. Whether you would admit it or not, you'd always felt something for Quill. Something more than just friendship. And now, with his face just inches from yours, the feeling was stronger than ever. 

"I know." You whispered, a soft smile creeping across your lips.

You were too lost in your own thoughts to hear when the instructor dismissed you. Her words didn't even register in your ears. You only realized what was happening when everyone around you started to stand and exit the room. Quill, who was still staring intensely at you, didn't notice at first either. Your eye contact finally broke as you shook your head, standing up out of the chair. You met his gaze again as you sped around the table, rushing towards him. You started to cry before you even reached his arms, crashing into him as he wrapped around you in a crushing embrace. He pulled you tight against him, nestling his face in your hair. You rested your face against his shoulder, sobbing into his jacket.

"Oh my god," he breathed, rocking you side to side, "Oh my god."

"I know-" you choked, smiling wider than you ever had. In his arms, you finally felt safe for the first time in weeks. You felt yourself relax against him, all of the stress and pain melting away. He felt like home, and you never wanted to let him go. He stepped back, resting his hands on your shoulders. He stared at you, his mouth hanging open.

"How-" he started, tears welling in his eyes, "How did you--how are you alive? How is the happening right now?"

"I don't know," you cried, laughing through your tears, "How are you alive!?" He snickered, shaking his head.

"No idea."

You smiled, admiring him. You hadn't realized how much you'd missed his face. He looked just like you remembered him. His smile was exactly the same. His eyes still got little wrinkles around them when he laughed. His dimples still stood out in his cheeks. His freckles still dotted around his face, like the stars you'd seen moments before. Before you could think about what you were doing, you reached out, cupping his face in your hand. You ran your fingers down it and lingered on his chin, feeling your heart rate quicken. He was still just as handsome as you remembered him being. You saw him blush as you snapped out of your daydream, and you pulled back.

"Sorry," you laughed, "It's just--It's so amazing to see you."

"I know," he breathed, "It's amazing." You smiled at him, pulling him in for another hug. You took a deep breath, and you couldn't help but notice that he smelled the same too--like pine and firewood. You'd always loved that smell.

"Where are they keeping you?" He asked, pulling away again. 

"I have a room," You replied, "They moved me from my cell a few days ago. What about you?"

"Oh," he paused, furrowing his brows, "I'm still in a cell. You have a room? Did they tell you why you were moved?"

You froze. What were you supposed to say? There was no way you could tell him the truth. You'd betrayed the Resistance in every way, and shame rushed over you. 

"Uh-" you stammered, "I--uh--I guess I had some information that they really thought was important, so they uh--moved me to a different place to be questioned."

"Weird." Quill responded. You couldn't place the expression in his eyes, and you weren't really sure if he believed you. Still, he didn't ask about it anymore. He moved on to other things, asking how they'd treated you, what had happened to you that night, if anyone else had survived, and some other stuff. You told him as much as you could, but you had to leave out some parts--for obvious reasons. No one could know the full truth, and especially not Quill. It was like Kylo had said, you were his secret. 

"I'll walk you back to your room," Quill offered as you walked out of the command center together, "I'd rather not go back to my cell yet and I'm sure they won't notice I'm gone for a few minutes."

"Oh yeah," you smiled, hooking his arm in yours, "That would be great."

He nodded, smirking and leading you out into the hallway, pulling you along with his long strides. You'd always used to make fun of him for how fast he walked--like he was constantly running from someone. 

"It's not my fault you have short little legs," He'd always say, speeding ahead of you. You smiled at the memory as you walked with him down Starkiller's cold corridors, arm in arm. You remembered the troopers directions, leading Quill through the maze. After a while you started to recognize where you were. You saw Kylo's giant doorway looming in front of you, taunting you with flashbacks of the night before. You tried not to, but your body tensed at the sight of it. 

"Hey," Quill said, stopping you and putting his hands back on your shoulders, "What's wrong?"

"Uh, nothing," You said in a whisper, trying desperately to keep him moving. You did not want to be standing in front of Kylo's door when he came out of it. "Come on." You yanked him along, moving as fast as you could away from the giant white door--haunting you with memories you wished you could forget. 

"What is up with you?" Quill prodded as you hurried along, pulling at his jacket sleeve. 

"That's Kylo Ren's room." You said quickly, hoping that he wouldn't ask anything more. 

"Kylo Ren?!" He hissed, stopping dead in his tracks. "You've seen him?"

His question almost made you laugh, but you bit your tongue. You'd done a lot more than just seen him. 

"Mhm." You mumbled, yanking him along again. You shielded your blushing face with your hair. Quill knew that you were hiding something whenever you started blushing. He's always made fun of you for it. Taking a deep breath, you hurried along. You knew you were almost back to your room. Just a few more turns and you'd be there when--

Shit. Your stomach dropped. 

You heard loud footsteps behind you, advancing quickly. You stopped walking, Quill stumbling as you yanked him back without warning. You sucked in a quick breath through gritted teeth and exhaled deeply, bracing yourself for who you knew was standing behind you. The footsteps stopped abruptly as their owner came up directly behind your heels. You could see his shadow looming over you and Quill, drowning the two of you in darkness. But somehow, you didn't feel afraid of his presence. You felt more angry than afraid, after what he'd done. A new wave of confidence rushed through you, making you feel more secure than you probably should have been. Tensing, you unhooked your arm from Quill's and turned to face him, glaring. 

Kylo stood motionless, his mask hiding his expression. A long black robe was draped over his shoulders, somehow making him look even bigger. Quill was tiny compared to him, and suddenly a new fear flashed through your mind. You weren't afraid of Kylo hurting you, but what if he hurt Quill.

"Last time I checked," Kylo's voice dripped out of his helmet, slow and echoey, "prisoners are not authorized to wander the halls without an escort." 

"Oh I'm so sorry sir," Quill started. You could feel him shaking next to you. "This is all my fault."

"Quill, stop." You ordered, putting your hand out in front of him. You looked directly at Kylo, seething, "He was just walking me back to my room. Is that a problem?"

"Yes," Ren replied, "Do not let it happen again. There will be consequences." You rolled your eyes.

"Of course," Quill groveled, "Never again sir."

"Come on," you said, pulling Quill along down the hallway and prying his terrified gaze away from Kylo. 

"What are you doing?!" He hissed, resisting "That's Kylo Ren."

"You think I don't know?" You whispered back, frustration seeping through your tone, "Trust me, I've dealt with him before."

You were about to turn the corner down the next hallway when, suddenly, your breathing stopped. In an instant, you could feel him. Kylo was in your head, but not painfully like before. A whisper of his voice entered your mind, seeping into every crack and crevice. It echoed through your body, making you shiver. Come back to my quarters tonight. His words trickled like cold water through your brain, drowning out every other thought. A split second later, you were released from his grasp. Your head was free of his voice, feeling suddenly empty. You swung your head around quickly over your shoulder, glaring at him as he continued to stand motionless behind you in the hall. No, you shot back through your mind, was I not clear before? I hate you. You're a monster. He pretended not to hear you as he turned away and stomped in the opposite direction, his boots echoing on the floor. He disappeared around the corner, his cape flaring out behind him. Your body shivered as Quill turned to you. 

"What was that?"

"What?" You barely even heard him, head still foggy from Kylo's invasion. "Oh, nothing."

"Y/N." He pried.

"Quill, stop!" You snapped, "There are things you just don't understand!" Instantly, you regretted your words, which had sounded way harsher than you intended for them to. He backed away from you, a wounded look flashing across his face. Guilt shot through you, and you softened your expression, reaching towards him.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," You sighed, grabbing his shoulder, "I didn't mean to sound so mean."

"It's fine," He said, pulling away, "lets get you back before we get in trouble again."

You nodded, walking along next to him. He didn't reach for you again, and your heart panged painfully as you wrapped your arms around your torso. Eventually, you came up on your door, stopping in front of it. 

"Quill I'm sorry," you tried again, attempting to meet his gaze. He avoided your eyes, shooting you a fake smile.

"It's fine Y/N, don't worry about it." You sighed, pulling him in for a hug. He was stiff for a moment, but gradually melted into you, wrapping you up in his arms. 

"I'm really, really happy to see you." You choked, feeling tears well in your eyes again. "I thought I'd lost you."

"I know," he whispered into your hair, squeezing you tighter, "I thought I'd lost you too."

"I love you Quill," you said as you pulled back and pressed against the door, "and I won't lose you again."

"I love you too," he replied, a real smile on his lips. "I'll see you tomorrow. I promise."

You nodded, beaming as you stepped inside. You got one more good look at him before closing the door, his green eyes burning in your memory. You pressed your back up against the wall, sliding down onto the ground. Your heart was glowing, and you felt as though you'd finally found a glimmer of hope in all of this. There was someone here who really knew you. Who understood you. Who cared about you. You almost felt safe, even though in reality you were far from it. But Quill felt familiar. He felt like home, and you hadn't felt like that in a long time. It was a relief, to have something else to think about other than Kylo. 

You spent the rest of the day in your room. You took a shower, tried on your uniform (which was way too big), and started marking how long you'd been at Starkiller on the wall. Hours flew by like minutes, and all too quickly it was nighttime again. You changed into just your shirt and underwear, snapping off your bra and throwing your pants down on the couch. Climbing into bed, you tried your hardest to picture Quill, not Kylo. Maybe tonight you'd finally have a dream that didn't include him. You were sick of his face in your mind, taunting you. As you faded away, your eyes drooping closed, your last thoughts were of Quill, holding you tight against him as he rocked you back and forth...

******************************************

You weren't sure how long you'd been asleep by the time the noise came from outside your door. Your watch was all the way across the room, but you sleepily checked your wrist anyway, sitting up in bed. Smack. Another loud noise from the hallway. You jumped as the sound reverberated through the silence. Smack. Again, the noise startled you. It sounded like someone was smashing metal up against metal, a horrible screeching sound following each blow. Crack. A new noise came as you door jolted in the wall. Someone was trying to get into your room. You leaped out of bed, panic sweeping over you. You ran quickly into the bathroom, closing the door behind you. You slipped into the shower, pulling the curtain in front of you and hiding your quivering body. All of the lights were off, and you couldn't see anything in the pitch blackness. Cowering down into the corner of the shower, you tried to get as small as possible. 

You heard your door fly open with a smack as it rammed into the wall behind it. Heavy footsteps stomped into the room, moving quickly. Without hesitation, they began towards the bathroom, sending a shiver of terror down your spine. The bathroom door slammed open, and as it crashed against the wall it almost sounded as though it had come off its hinges. The lights were switched on, and your eyes burned as they illuminated the room. The footsteps approached the shower, and you smacked a hand over your mouth to quiet your breathing. But it was too late. The shower curtain ripped open, a tall, black figure towering over you. Kylo.

He wasn't wearing his mask, but was instead holding it in his hand. His other hand was clenched tightly, flexing in and out of a fist. As you looked up to meet his gaze, your stomach dropped. He had a look on his face that you'd never seen before. Pure, uncontrolled rage. His teeth were bared like a wolf, and his eyes flashed with an anger you'd never witnessed. His lips were curled into a snarl, and his chest heaved with ragged, furious breaths. 

"You-" he seethed, thrusting his fist toward you and stepping into the shower. You curled tighter into a ball, trying desperately to back away from him. But there was no escape. He had you.

"You think you can defy my orders?" He spat, fire blazing behind his eyes, "You think you can make a fool out of me?"

"What are you tal-" you started.

"First, you defy me in front of another prisoner. Next, you disobey my direct orders. You were supposed to come to my quarters tonight," He fumed, stepping closer again and backing you further into the corner.

"That's what you're mad about?" you scoffed, "That I don't want to be your fuck-toy again?"

"You'll obey my orders blindly. It's not a discussion." He bristled, leaning down towards you.

"No," you said, a spark of bravery coursing through your blood. Stupidly. "I'll die before I listen to you ever again."

"You will come back to my quarters with me. Now." He got eerily silent, drawing even closer to you. 

"No."

He paused, hovering above you. His face was now a few inches from yours, and you turned away defiantly, squeezing your eyes shut. 

"Don't make this painful," he whispered. You could feel his breath on the tip of your nose. You quivered. To your horror, you suddenly felt his gloved hand brush against your cheek. 

"No!" You screamed, punching at him with all the strength you had. You kicked and struggled against him as his hand drove into your hair, yanking your head back against the wall. Through squinted eyes, you watched in terror as he raised his heavy metal helmet in his other hand, fuming with rage. It almost moved in slow motion as he brought it down against your forehead, fireworks of pain exploding through your nerves. The pain crashed through your entire body, paralyzing you instantly. But you could only feel it for a moment before your mind started to fade to black, consciousness slipping away from you. The last thing you saw was Kylo's figure looming over you, heaving with angry breaths as you slipped away into the night...


	12. It Was Almost Affectionate

Cold. That was the first thing you noticed as you started to fade back into reality. You were cold. And you were aching. Your entire body was sore, and you groaned, shifting around and trying to relieve the pain. The worst was in your head. It was like someone had cracked your skull right down the middle with a sledgehammer. You couldn't even bring yourself to open your eyes at first. Even the slightest movement of your face made streaks of pain shoot through your forehead. For the first few moments, you had no recollection of anything. You didn't know where you were. You couldn't even remember your own name. All of your memories had slipped away, your mind a blank white canvas. 

But slowly, one by one, they tricked back into your mind. Who you were, your friends, the Resistance, that night, Starkiller, Hux--and the very last memory to come back--Kylo Ren. The vision of his face blazed into your memory, engulfing you. It was almost painful, thinking of him. You gritted your teeth as his words slipped back into your mind, his deep, honey-like voice echoing in your ears. You remembered his touch, his face, his hands--his helmet. 

As the vision of it flashed through your mind, the memory came back--a searing pain shooting through your head. Kylo bursting into your room, standing over you, helmet in hand. He'd looked at you with an anger you'd never seen before, his hand clenching in and out of a fist. He'd asked you to come with him--you'd refused. As the scene played out in your head, you watched yourself slap him as he tried to reach for your face. You flinched at the memory as he responded, raising his helmet over his head and bringing it down on you, fire blazing behind his eyes. You could almost feel the impact of the metal against your skull again. The pain exploded through you, paralyzing your body and mind instantly. But then you'd slipped away, into a darkness that was almost comforting. You urned for it again as you laid flat on your back, eyes still squeezed shut, your body throbbing in pain. 

It still took you a few more moments to actually process that you had no idea where you were. Fighting against the shooting pain that came as you pried your eyes open, you tried feverishly to look at your surroundings. It was dark, the only light coming from a window behind your head. All you could really make out was what you were laying on. A bed, giant and covered in black. Black covers, black pillows, black everything. The sheets were soft underneath you, and you slowly ran your hands over them, caressing the silky fabric. Somehow, it didn't occur to you that you'd seen these sheets before. You'd been in this room. You'd laid on this bed. Your mind was still foggy from regaining consciousness (and your possible concussion), and none of it even crossed your mind. It didn't occur to you to wonder what had happened after you'd been knocked out. That was until you heard a voice from the darkness, cutting through the silence, making you jump. As you did, a new streak of pain shot through you. 

"I warned you not to make this painful." The voice said, growing closer. You knew that voice. Kylo.

"Fuck--ugh--fuck you." You croaked, trying--and quickly failing--to sit up. The pain was too much, and you immediately slumped back down into the mattress. Through half-opened eyes you saw him move into your field of vision, the light from the window casting over his figure. He peered down at you, mask-less. His raven eyes scanned over you, and as they did, you remembered what you were wearing. A shirt and underwear. Nothing else. Your face blazed fire red, pulling your shirt down as far as you could. How long had you been laying there, unconscious and nearly naked? Humiliation sunk into your bones, and somehow the pain in your head got worse. 

"A few hours," he responded to your thoughts, dryly. 

"You-" you seethed, forcing your eyes closed again as your headache got to be too much, "You're a fucking monster."

"Yes," He whispered. You could feel the heat emitting off of his body as he approached you. "But it doesn't matter. You still want me."

"No," You hissed, baring your teeth at him, "I don't."

"Really?" You could hear the mocking tone in his voice, and it made you furious. Anger bubbled in your blood--half because he was so confident in his hold over you, and half because deep down, you knew he was right. As much as you hated to admit it, his voice still made your heartbeat quicken. The memory of his body pressed up against yours still made your body feel weak. He still turned you on--whether he was a monster or not. 

"Why didn't you come?" He whispered as a gloved hand ghosted over your thigh--fireworks exploding on your skin from his touch. "I told you to come back here."

"Because-" you heaved, the pain in your head growing every time you had to form a word in your mind, "Because you--you don't care about me. What h--happens to me." You weren't exactly sure if you were actually speaking english. Your thoughts were muddy and came slow to your brain. By the end of the sentence, you'd started to forget who you were speaking to. Kylo's face faded in and out of your memory, as did your comprehension of what was happening. 

"You have a concussion." He said calmly, his hand disappearing from your leg. 

"Yeah n--no shit." You struggled, groaning painfully. 

"Don't move." He ordered as you heard his heavy footsteps crossing the room. You listened as a door opened and water started running, followed by more footsteps. You were fading in and out of consciousness now, head spinning and making you feel nauseated. You gagged, a few choked coughs escaping past your lips. Vomit bubbled into your mouth, and you thew up all over your chest, throat burning. You didn't even have the capability to feel embarrassed--the pain was all you could think about. Each gag caused a new pang of agony to shoot through your skull, and as you finally emptied out your stomach, your head flopped back down on the mattress. You laid there for a few moments, trying to breathe in and out in a steady rhythm. You head was still spinning in circles, and even though your'd vomited already, you still felt just as dizzy. Groaning in discomfort, you turned onto your side, wishing that you could just put yourself out of your misery. Kylo's footsteps approaching you snapped you back into reality. You'd almost forgotten about what he was doing, or that he was even in the room. You moaned, trying to sit up. 

"No," he whispered, reaching towards you and pushing you lightly back into the mattress. You complied, too weak to resist him. As you laid there, eyes shut tight, you felt as he slumped down on the bed next to you. You had that feeling of his gaze scanning you again, but you refused to look at him. It was too painful. 

A few moments passed as he sat next to you, motionless. But after a bit you felt his weight lean towards you, making you tense up immediately. You almost jumped as a wet, cold towel pressed up against your forehead, wiping gingerly at your bruised skin. His action was shocking to you, even in your concussed state. Kylo was...helping you? It was almost funny. He was the one who'd made this pain for you. But still, he patted at your skin delicately, the cold from the towel taking away some of the discomfort in your skull. He draped it over your forehead, and you exhaled, relieved as some of the throbbing lessened behind your eyes. His hand lingered as he left the towel there, running a finger down the side of your face and pausing on your chin. You shivered at his touch, so soft and unexpected. It was almost affectionate, the way he was handling you. 

"Can you stand?" He asked, leaning away from you. You slowly dragged your head from side to side, trying not to move too much too quickly. You couldn't even sit up. There was no way in hell that you'd be able to stand up.

"Did you--ugh--did your really have to hit me so damn h-hard?" You groaned, pressing the towel harder against your eyes and feeling the cold water seep into your skin. He didn't reply, but instead stood up from the bed and moved next to it. Your eyes squinted open, peering up at him. You watched, frozen, as he leaned down towards you and slipped his hands underneath your back and legs. You sucked in a quick breath as he lifted you in one strong swoop, pulling your body to his chest. Your heart was slamming like a drum as he cradled your head against his shoulder, your limp figure dangling in his arms. He didn't meet your gaze as he carried you from the bed and across the room, into a small, white bathroom. He left the lights off as he ducked inside, sitting you upright on the floor, your back leaning against the wall. You closed your eyes again, head slumping. You listened as he switched what sounded like a shower on, messing with the curtain. A moment later, he returned to you, scooping you up again and slinging you carefully over his shoulder. He handled you so delicately, and even with your mind fogged with pain and confusion, your heart beamed. 

Your body tensed as hot water abruptly hit your skin, burning at first. You groaned, but Kylo shushed you, still holding you against him. Slowly, he lowered your bare feet to the floor, but still supported your weak figure, leaning you against his chest and holding onto your shoulders. He turned you towards the shower head cautiously, making it impossible for you to fall. His hands never left you as he positioned your head under the stream, soaking your body in warm water. Your shirt grew heavy as it got more and more drenched, and it weighed down your already frail legs. Your body drooped slightly, but Kylo caught you, pulling you back up against him. 

"T--take it off," You groaned, turning back towards him as it suffocated you in wet fabric, "Please, get it off me." Kylo said nothing, but watched you with focused eyes as you looked up at him. He nodded slowly, grasping at the bottom of your shirt and carefully sliding it up over your torso. Your bare breasts sprung free, the hot stream spraying over them. His face was expressionless as he slipped your arms out one by one, but you could see the hunger behind his eyes. He drank you in as he slipped the fabric over your head and pulled it through your hair. He tossed it to the side, the soaked shirt smacking against the ground, a puddle of water forming around it. Your naked body leaned against him, hands grasping desperately at the robes covering his chest. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer to him and leaning you back into the stream. He ran a gloved hand over your chest, cleaning the sweat and vomit from your skin. His touch was soft and smooth, so loving. It was so unlike anything he'd shown you before. You felt like this man wasn't Kylo. He was someone different. His hand grazed over your nipple, and you shivered, a stab of pain shooting up your spine. 

"Stop," He whispered, putting his hand up against the back of your head and leaning it against his shoulder, "Don't move." You hummed in agreement, listening to his steady heartbeat in his chest. It comforted you, and you counted along with the thumps. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... You laid against him for what felt like forever, lost in his careful touch. The air started to get steamy, making the small bathroom's air hang with wet humidity. Your eyes fluttered open as you leaned back, your hands resting against his wide chest.

"Thank you," you whispered, meeting his gaze and searching his face, trying to read his expression. His facade was blank, but in his eyes you could see something more. A urning. A desperate need. It surprised you when you saw it, but you recognized it immediately. It was the same way you'd looked at him, the night he told you to leave. But it was different in his eyes, and you found yourself drowning in it. The steam hung in the air like a thick fog, beads of condensation forming on his skin. You watched as a single water droplet fell from his temples to his chin, then slowly dripping onto your hand laid against him. Your head buzzed, but not from the pain anymore. This time, it was from the tension between you and Kylo, bodies pressed up against one-another. For a moment, your mind drifted from the aching, from the headache, from anything else. All you knew was him, staring intensely into your eyes. You looked down to his lips, full and soft, wet from the water bouncing off of you. He watched you carefully as you looked back up at his eyes, clouded with lust. He listened intently to your every thought--and what you were thinking about was him. You didn't want anything else to ease the pain. He was all you needed. 

Yes, you whispered through your mind as Kylo leaned down towards you, cupping your cheek delicately in his hand and pulling your chin towards his. His lips met yours in a soft kiss, your nerves trembling as he breathed against you. You ran your hands up into his hair, grabbing onto it for support. He didn't seem to notice as he pulled you closer, deepening the kiss and moaning softly. You hummed in agreement as he slipped his tongue past your lips, gingerly leaning your body against the wall of the shower. He kept one arm around you for support, but let the other hand roam through your hair, trailing down your chest and grabbing at your waist. He was careful not to be too rough, and he never once let your head move too much. He payed attention to every little whimper, every sound you made. You could feel the vibration in your head as he listened to your thoughts, making sure you weren't in pain. 

As his hands ghosted along your figure, you again felt as though he wasn't Kylo Ren anymore. This was someone else entirely--a new side of him you'd never seen. His lips moved from yours and trailed feverishly down your neck, his hot breath against your skin. Water trickled through his hair, curling in the humidity. Your clit throbbed as he kissed down your chest, still supporting you with his two strong hands pinned at your waist. He squatted down, his head level with your hips. He slowly moved towards you, planting soft, wet kisses along your thighs. You shivered, threatening to fall over, but he held your waist tighter, keeping you up. He sucked tenderly at your skin, leaving red and purple marks behind. He moved from your thighs and up to your stomach, then lowering his lips to the hem of your underwear. They were the only piece of clothing you still had on, and you quivered in anticipation as he slowly slid them off your hips and down to your feet. 

Your bare skin rubbed against his robes, the heat from the wet air mixing with the sweat dripping down your body. Kylo took in a deep breath and exhaled before returning to kiss along the sides of your thighs, igniting a fire between your legs. You moaned quietly, thrusting your hips towards him and digging your fingers into his hair. As you moved, a searing pain exploded through your forehead, and you screamed, clenching your teeth together. He looked up at you, pulling back from your legs and standing quickly. He looked you up and down as you heaved with pained breaths, head still throbbing. Kylo reached forward, carefully grasping the back of your neck and pulling you from the wall. He leaned you back up against his chest, moving his hands to the small of your back. You rested against him, feeling dizzy again. 

"You need to rest," he whispered, holding you to his body. You nodded, barely. Each movement was like a knife in your skull. You whimpered as his hands once again swung behind your legs and back, scooping you up in his arms. He lifted you off the ground with ease, pulling back the shower curtain with an invisible hand. You marveled at it as it moved without him ever touching it. It was like magic. 

"The force," he replied, not even trying to hide that he was reading your thoughts. You nodded again, grimacing. You weren't exactly sure what "the force" meant, but you couldn't bare to think about it now. He ducked out of the steam-filled room, your wet body shivering as it hit the cold air of his bedroom. He was soaked--all of his clothes dripping with water--as he laid you down gingerly on his bed. Your wet body and hair drenched his sheets instantly, a darkened puddle forming around you. You watched through half-lidded eyes as he peered down at you, his eyes flashing with an un-identifiable emotion. You really couldn't place it. Lust? Sadness? And maybe, just maybe, actual concern? You waited for him to tell you no. For him to tell you that he didn't care whether you lived or died. But strangely, he didn't. He just looked at you, his face blank. 

Without a word, he walked away towards another door in the wall. You watched as he turned the knob, a closet opening in front of him. He pulled out a black sweater and loose black pants before he turned back to the bed, approaching you again. He was silent as he laid the clothes out on his sheets next to you, never once meeting your gaze. You watched, frozen, as he reached up and pulled the first layer of his robes off, the fabric ruffling up his hair as it came over his head. He undid his thick belt, dropping it to the ground. You didn't realize that you were holding your breath as he took off more layers, eventually reaching the last one. Grabbing the bottom of the soaked undershirt, he raised his arms over his head and slipped it off, throwing it to the side. His bare chest was even broader without the robes, and you choked a little as you admired him. Your heart fluttered as he grabbed at his waist, pulling down at the sides of his pants. He slid them down his legs, his strong muscles exposed. You gulped as you watched him, not able to look away from the obvious bulge in his underwear. He quickly grabbed at the dry clothes laid out before him, slipping the shirt over his head and sliding the pants up his legs one at a time. You were disappointed as his skin was covered again, his body disappearing under more black layers. He ripped the gloves from his hands, tossing them across the room frustratedly. He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling the wet strands away from his face. After a moment, he turned back to you, your eyes glued on his figure. 

"You'll have to stay here tonight." He said coldly--no sign of emotion in his voice. 

"Wha-"

"You can't even stand. There's no way you'll make it back to your room." You paused, glancing up at him with hopeful eyes. 

"That's the only reason?" You questioned, half hoping that he'd give you another answer. You imagined him telling you that he wanted to make sure you were okay--that he really did want you to stay, and not just because you were hurt. But you regretted the words as soon as they left your lips, knowing the answer you were about to receive. 

"Yes." He responded dryly, "What other reason would there be." He wasn't asking. He was telling you. There was no other reason for him to want you to stay. Your heart lurched, and you fought the hot tears threatening to form in your waterline. 

"I can make it back." You choked. You couldn't stand to be here for another minute. Your cheeks burned red with embarrassment as you ignored the blazing pain in your head, attempting to sit up from the bed. You yelped as the pain stabbed through you, but you continued to stand, grasping at the backboard for support. 

"Stop," Kylo ordered, stepping towards you, "Lay back down."

"No," you winced, swatting him away, "I don't want to stay here." You took in a ragged breath as you forced yourself to step forward, letting go of the backboard. Instantly, your legs gave out underneath you, and you toppled towards the ground. Kylo caught you as you fell, his arm wrapping around your waist. He pulled you against him, supporting your neck with his hand. 

"Lay back down," he ordered, his eyes piercing through you. You stared back at him, your heart pounding. 

"Fine," you complied, leaning back onto the mattress and closing your eyes. The pain started to fade a little, and you sighed exasperatedly. After a few minutes of silence, you listened as Kylo walked back over to the closet, hangers clicking together. His footsteps moved back towards you, and he paused next to you on the bed. You squinted up at him, noticing more clothes in his hands.

"Put these on," he said, "You need to stay warm."

He handed you a thick black sweater and flowy black pants, just like the ones he was wearing. Just by looking at them you could already tell that they were definitely too big for you. But it was better than laying out naked. You carefully slipped the clothes over your body, moving slowly and trying to avoid the anguish. Your hair was still drenched, but you ignored it, rolling onto your side and turning away from Kylo's gaze. He walked around to the other side of the bed, sitting down on the side, his back to you. After a moment he leaned back onto the mattress, pulling the sheets over his body. He didn't look over at you as he settled in, staring up at the ceiling. You watched his chest rise and fall, his hair flowing over his pillow. He really was beautiful, his profile outlined against the dark of the room. But you just couldn't forget his words. Scum. Secret. There was no other reason for him to want you to stay. 

As you drifted off to sleep, your body finally going numb, his words echoed through your ears. You wished that in the morning you could forget that he ever said them. But you knew, dreadingly, that they'd be the first thought on your mind tomorrow. He always was.


	13. Adrenaline Rush

Wake up.

A voice entered your mind as you slept, making your whole body shiver. You sat up abruptly, groaning as the sharp pain in your head returned--but much more bearable than the night before. You looked around the room, absorbing your surroundings. The first thing you noticed was that Kylo wasn't in the bed next to you anymore. His covers had been pulled back, an empty spot now in the place of his body. You sighed, pulling the sheets around you one last time before sliding out from underneath them. It felt like the room had gotten colder since the night before, and you quivered as your bare feet hit the ground. You stood, carefully testing your legs. To your relief--they worked. Finally able to move again, you scurried to the door, wanting to escape before Kylo could come back from wherever he was. You weren't in the mood to talk to him. 

But just as you opened it into the hallway, the door on the other end of the corridor hissed open. Your stomach dropped and your body froze as you stared--mouth hanging open. Kylo stood at the entrance, his mask meeting your gaze. 

"Leaving?" His voice reverberated down the long passageway. 

"Yes."

"How's your head?"

"Fine." You glared at him, crossing your arms. Now that you were fully conscious again, you found it funny how he'd pretended to be concerned for you. After all, he was the one who'd inflicted the pain on you. Then he'd tried to fix it. It was disgusting. Manipulative. Just another reason why he was a monster. You shot the thoughts at him, fuming. 

He ignored you, suddenly stalking down the hall towards you. You tensed, but as he approached you, he didn't even look down in your direction. He kept his gaze on the door behind you, and you had to jump out of the way as he strode past, nearly knocking you over. Ass, you rolled your eyes, making your way in the other direction. You couldn't wait to get away from him. 

The door slammed shut behind you as you left his quarters, spilling out into the hallway. You whipped around, glaring at it as if he could still see you. You were fuming as you made your way back to your room, thinking of all the reasons why you hated him. You hoped he could hear you as you came up with every insult you could think of--fists clenching. You imagined how it would feel to land a punch straight to his face--his gorgeous, perfect face. You rolled you eyes. Why couldn't you just hate him for a minute without remembering how much you actually didn't?

On another note, you were starting to get used to Starkiller's maze. You recognized certain places, and you made it back to your room with almost no confusion. Slipping inside, you found your wristwatch sitting on the couch. You had no idea what time it was. 2:30, it read. 2:30? You'd slept late again. For a moment, you almost forgot about your new "job". But realization hit you quickly, dread creeping over you. You cringed at the thought of seeing Quill--or anyone for that matter. All you wanted to do was hide under your sheets--away from Kylo, away from this hell you were living, away from every thought in your head. But you didn't have the luxury of choosing, so you grudgingly grabbed your uniform and stalked into the bathroom. As you slipped out of the clothes Kylo gave you, you couldn't help but run your hands over the smooth black fabric, thinking of him, holding you close in that shower. You'd felt so safe. So protected. It was stupid to feel that way--you knew. He was the one that had hurt you. But his lips against yours made you forget all of that. You seemed to always forget the bad things he'd done as soon as he touched you--and you hated yourself for it. 

As you pulled the stiff uniform over your body, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the bathroom mirror. As you did, your heart dropped. You didn't even recognize your reflection. Bruises covered your skin, a giant purple and blue stain spilled across your forehead. That was where his helmet had hit you, you realized, feeling anger boil in your blood. The eye below it was black, and your lip was split on the right side. There was no way you'd be able to hide it. Thankfully, your starchy uniform covered the rest of your skin, but your face was the most bruised. It looked like someone had tried to kill you. Well, they kind of had. 

What were you supposed to say if someone asked how you'd gotten so beaten up? You definitely couldn't tell the truth. You needed an excuse. Maybe you'd fallen in the shower and hit your head. Someone might buy that if you were convincing enough--you hoped. 

Pulling your hair up into a messy bun at the back of your head--which was still throbbing faintly--you headed for the door, slipping your watch onto your wrist. 2:45, it flashed. You picked up your pace, remembering the trooper's directions and heading for the command center. Starkiller was bustling today, troopers rushing past you in large squadrons and almost running over you at least 3 times as you rounded corners. Finally, the giant windows of your destination appeared before you, and you snuck inside. Again, you immediately felt out of place as no one acknowledged your presence. Luckily, you didn't see Hux, and you silently slipped into the same room you'd gone to before. The same instructor met your gaze as you opened the door, but there was no table anymore. The floor was empty, and you furrowed your brows. A few of the other people you'd seen yesterday were there already, staring at you with dead, hopeless eyes. It made you shake--how lifeless they looked. It was clear that they'd all given up. You turned away, not wanting to look at them for another second. 

While scanning the group, you realized quickly that Quill was missing. Instantly, you started to get anxious, checking your watch frantically. 3:00. Quill was never late. A shiver ran through you, worry sinking in your bones. But just as dread started to overtake you, Quill's figure busted through the door, heaving. Behind him, a trooper held his wrists in metal handcuffs, shoving him along roughly. Quill grunted against him, trying to yank away from his grasp. You instinctively shot forward before you could even think, stepping toward them and reaching for Quill's arm. 

"Stay back, scum." The trooper ordered, pointing his blaster straight at your face. You froze, your heart racing. 

"Get that away from her," Quill hissed, yanking against the cuffs again. The trooper responded, kicking at the back of Quill's knees and forcing him to the ground. He stepped down on the back of his head, forcing his face into the floor. Quill screamed, a cracking sound coming as his nose hit the surface. Before you could even process what was happening, you exploded, all of your rational thoughts leaving you as you let your anger overtake you. 

"Stop!" You screamed, lunging forward again and grabbing at the troopers arm, yanking him away from Quill and pushing him up against the wall. Adrenaline rushed through you as you kicked your knee into the trooper's crotch as hard as you could, listening to him groan in agony underneath his helmet. You continued to beat at him, swinging your fists into the sides of his helmet and kicking into his knees and stomach. Your knuckles smacked painfully against his white armor, the skin on your hands growing red and swollen--but you couldn't stop. All of the anger that had been building up in you for weeks now spewed out at once, exploding in punches and kicks to the trooper's body. Feral, pained screams escaping past your lips, you ripped the blaster from his hands while he was disoriented, stepping back and aiming it at his chest. 

"You deserve every bit of suffering that's coming to you," You hissed in a whisper, echoing what that trooper had said to you when he'd first strapped you into the interrogation chair. You felt powerful with the blaster in your hand. Invincible. It was their turn to suffer. You were completely engulfed in anger now--your mind buzzing with adrenaline and fury. Without thinking, you pulled the trigger, hearing the pew of the blaster shoot into the trooper's chest. 

Dead silence fell over the room, your heart slamming in your chest and echoing in your ears like a drum. A cloud of smoke rose from the trooper's armor, and as it cleared, he laid motionless, slumped against the wall. A black hole burned in the middle of his chest, cloudy vapor seeping out of it. His head lulled to the side, and you felt your pulse stop. The whole world around you seemed to freeze, the air in the small room hanging like thick fog. Your eyes were clouded with a million emotions, and for a few moments, your thoughts refused to process in your head. Staring at the trooper's body with terror in your eyes, you finally let the realization hit you.

He was dead. Really dead. You'd killed him. You'd just killed someone. 

Your entire body was frozen, blaster still in hand. But slowly, you started to tremble, dropping the gun to the ground and smacking your shaking hands over your mouth. Your ears rung with a high pitched buzz, and you couldn't even hear yourself as you let out a wailing scream, dropping to the ground and crumpling into a ball. You felt tears in your eyes, pouring down your cheeks as you rocked back and forth, heaving in ragged breaths. What the fuck had you just done. You'd killed a man. You were just as much of a monster now as any of them. More screams echoed through your throat, filling the room with sobbing cries. You weren't in control of your own body anymore as it shook violently, sobs racking through you down to your bones. 

"We need a squad!" You heard a woman's voice exclaim, the beeping of a walkie-talkie following her words. "Now!"

You knew what was coming. They were going to kill you. There was no hope for you now. You'd thrown away everything. Quill. Your life. Kylo. You'd let your anger control you. You'd let it overtake your every rational thought--every bit of common sense in your brain. You were a monster, just like the rest of them. The same thing you'd shamed Kylo for for so long was what you'd become. You cried harder as shame washed over you, feeling your last bits of hope slipping away. You slammed your eyes shut as you breathed in the smell of burning flesh and plastic, making your instantly nauseous. Look at what you've done, echoed through your head on repeat as you sobbed, pulling your knees to your chest. 

Through closed eyes you heard the door bust open, a dozen heavy footsteps charging past your head. Instantly, rough hands were on your shoulders, yanking you off the floor and pulling you up onto your knees. You yelped as a boot connected with your stomach, multiple modulated voices yelling at you at once. 

"Hands up!" They exclaimed, a dozen blasters aimed at you threateningly. Through struggled breaths and cries you raised your hands in the air--eyes pressed closed. You couldn't stand looking at them--or anyone else. You didn't want to see how they were all staring at you. You. A murderer. 

Two troopers grabbed at your arms, pulling you onto your feet and dragging you forward out of the room. Your body was limp as they lugged you along, ankles scraping against the floor. You'd lost all motivation to fight back. What could you possibly do against a squadron of 12 troopers? Nothing. There was no point. As you got dragged out into the hub of the command center, you heard Quill's voice calling after you.

"Y/N!" He cried, his voice breaking. Your heart panged, realizing that this would probably be the last time you'd hear his voice. "Y/N!"

"I love you Quill," you choked, straining your neck and looking back over your shoulder, "Don't ever forget that. Don't ever forget." You caught one last glimpse of him, standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes, before the troopers yanked you back forward. At least this time, you'd gotten to say goodbye to him. You could only hope that he would make it out, that one day he would escape. He used to always find a solution to every problem. You were sure, as the troopers forced you into the hallway and away from him, that he would be okay without you. He knew how to take care of himself. He always had. 

A blaster pressed into the gap between your shoulder blades as they forced you forward, sinking the tip into your skin. You winced, gritting your teeth but offering no resistance. They pulled you along by your arms, kicking at the back of your feet. Head down and eyes closed, you let them drag you down the halls like a dead body. You might as well have been. Your mind started to drift off, memories replaying in your head to distract from the horror soon awaiting you. Sitting with Leia, talking to Quill, meeting Kylo, and everything else. Silent tears slipped down your cheeks, slipping out of the corners of your sealed eyes. You smiled to yourself as you remembered every time you were happy--back when you were free of the First Order's grasp. Those memories seemed so far away now. It almost felt like you'd lived through them in another lifetime. You were a different person back then. So innocent. So filled with hope and love. Surrounded by family and friends--not completely alone like you were now. 

You were so lost in your own thoughts that you didn't realize when the troopers stopped walking, the absence of the sound of the footsteps making the hallway sound completely empty. You were only ripped from your memories when you heard a voice--all too familiar--coming from in front of your limp body. 

"Where are you taking this prisoner?" Kylo asked. You could hear the anger in his modulated voice, threatening the troopers. You snapped your head up to look at him with pleading eyes. For some reason, his presence made you feel instantly safer. It didn't make any sense for it to--he didn't care about you. But still, you found yourself relieved to see him. A flicker of hope burned in your chest. 

"She shot and killed a trooper sir. We're taking her to General Hux to await orders." To anyone else, Kylo would have appeared to be unaffected by the news. But you knew how he moved--how he reacted. You watched as his gloved hand flinched in the smallest movement, his spine straightening subtly. But other than that, he appeared to remain calm, not even looking down towards you. He paused, shifting his gaze from trooper to trooper. 

"That won't be necessary," Kylo replied cooly, finally turning towards you, his mask tilting to meet your eyes. "I'll take care of it." Your heart leaped in your chest, threatening to burst. 

"But sir-" A trooper holding onto your arm protested.

"I will take care of it." Kylo cut him off with a flick of his hand, "Release her, now."

The trooper huffed quietly, nodding. Suddenly, your body was free, dropping to the ground with a thud. You grimaced as you sat on the ground, rubbing your arms where their tights grips had been placed. Red welts had appeared in your skin in the shape of their handprints, and you glared up at them. You couldn't help but smirk to yourself as you stood, walking towards Kylo free of the troopers' grasps. A silent conversation passed between the two of you, his words slipping into your mind--unknown to the squadron behind you. Again, he didn't acknowledge you physically as you made you way to his side, but he spoke through your mind, his words slipping into your brain. 

We will discuss this when we get back to my quarters.

Silently, you complied, sweat forming on your palms. You weren't exactly sure if you were turned on or terrified--but you shivered anyway. 

"You are dismissed." Kylo spoke again to the troopers, waving them off. "A report to General Hux will not be necessary."

"But sir, she killed a trooper. We have to repo-"

Without warning, the trooper began to gag, his throat sealed shut. His words were cut off mid-sentence as he choked. Grasping at his neck and struggling for air, his feet raised off the ground, dangling like he was hanging from a noose. But there was nothing holding him up but an invisible force, choking the life out of him. You turned your head, staring with an open mouth at Kylo, who was holding out his hand in a sideways V shape, bringing his fingers closer and closer together with each passing moment. As he did, the trooper's gasping became even more frantic, his legs shaking. You had to look away, the sight too disturbing to stomach. 

"Do not question my orders again, trooper." Kylo hissed, his anger winding through every syllable. You could feel him fuming next to you, heat radiating off of him like the sun. "Am I understood?"

Through desperate chokes, the trooper nodded weakly. With a loud smack, Kylo released him, his body slamming to the ground. He gasped frantically as breath returned to his lungs, sprawled out on the floor. Kylo flexed his hand casually, dropping it back to his side. 

"Good."

With that, he turned and stalked away down the hallway, motioning for you to follow with a small flick of his wrist. You cast one last glance back at the squadron--frozen in fear and disbelief--before running after Kylo, struggling to keep up with his impossibly long strides. A forbidden smile crept across you lips as you walked along with him, feeling almost powerful by his side. You couldn't help it. The most feared man in the galaxy had just defended you--saved you from being executed by blaster. You wanted to thank him. Imagine that, you laughed at yourself--wanting to thank Kylo Ren. But you bit your tongue. You didn't need to say it. He could hear your thoughts as you walked next to him, feeling endlessly grateful for what he'd just done. A strange consideration creeped into your mind. Maybe Kylo wasn't all bad after all. 

After walking for what seemed like forever, the tall white entrance to Kylo's quarters appeared before you. With another flick of his wrist, the door flew open, and he stormed down the hallway, his cape flaring out behind him. He didn't wait for you to follow, but you did anyway, rushing after him. Spilling into his room, you stood awkwardly at the doorway. You didn't know what to say, or what to do. You still weren't exactly sure what you were doing there, or what he planned to do to you. Again, your palms started to sweat. 

Kylo stomped over to the side of his bead, slumping down on the mattress with an exasperated huff and unlocking his helmet. With a click, he loosened it, ripping it off his head and tossing it onto the comforter. Immediately, he whipped around to face you, his hair falling into his eyes--burning with rage. 

"What were you thinking?" He said coldly, rising from the bed and moving towards you. His spoke in a calm tone, but his eyes betrayed him, exposing his true emotions. Terror settling in your bones, you backed towards the wall, heart pounding. 

"I wasn't thinking." You replied, the back of your legs hitting the edge of the room, your body pressing against the wall. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" He whispered, his voice trembling with fury. You could tell that he wanted to scream. He wanted to erupt on you. He was right on the edge, a stick of dynamite waiting to explode. But for some reason, he held himself back, fighting to keep his composure. "Do you realize what you've done?"

"He was attacking my friend, I couldn't-"

"You have put yourself in extreme danger. A danger that I'm not sure that I can save you from. Hux will want you dead."

"I don't need you to save me." You snapped back, glaring at him. 

"You don't?" He stepped closer, his eyes focused on you intensely. "Then what was that a moment ago?"

"What was I supposed to do against a whole squad of troopers?" You exclaimed, throwing your hands up, "And I don't even care if they kill me. I have nothing to live for anyway." Deep down, you didn't believe that at all. You didn't want to die. And you did have something to live for--or someone, rather. But you would never admit that out loud. You barely even let the thought pass through your mind. Kylo slid closer to you, his figure now looming over you completely. 

"You don't believe that." He whispered, his face growing closer to yours. "You want to be here. With me." You tried to look away from his burning gaze defiantly, but he reached for you, grabbing your jaw in his hands and forcing to stare at him. "Say it."

You shook your head, struggling against his tight grip. Your skin stung underneath his fingers, growing sore and puffy. Kylo's eyes searched over you, roaming your body. As you stared into them, you glanced down at his lips, parted slightly as he breathed. You watched as a small smirk appeared on them, sparking a fire between your legs. God, why was it so easy for him to get to you? You glanced back up to meet his gaze, melting into his deep, dark pupils. You took in a slow breath, exhaling.

"I do belie-" You were cut off abruptly, Kylo destroying the distance between your faces with one quick movement. He crashed into you, his lips smothering against yours. You moaned, instantly melting into him and wrapping your arms around his neck. He pressed you into the wall as you jumped up, letting your legs wrap around his torso. Breathing heavily, he took your thighs in his hands, holding you up against him. His hips rocked forward forcefully, grinding into you--a moan escaping your mouth between kisses. He pulled his lips away from yours, moving to kiss feverishly along your chin and down to your neck. You heaved in lust-filled breaths as he let out a soft groan, his hips bucking harder against you. 

"Say it," he whispered again, biting softly at your ear. His hot breath tickled the side of your face, making your nerves dance with excitement. 

"I want to be here," You hummed, running your hands through his thick mop of hair, "With you." A deep moan echoed through his throat as he returned his lips to your mouth, slipping his tongue past your teeth and meeting yours. They swirled together, the air between your bodies heating up quickly. In a swift motion, Kylo lifted one of his hands from under your thigh and began to grapple with your pants. You responded, helping him with you belt, fingers fumbling with the metal frame. You unhooked it sloppily and tossed it aside, your hands roaming across his chest. He yanked the fabric down your legs, pulling your underwear off with it and returning to thrusting his hips against yours. You moved your hands down to his waist in return, shaking his pants down off his hips. His cock sprung free, slapping against your stomach as it was released from his robes. You moaned as it pressed against you, hard and throbbing. 

"Do you want this?" He teased, pulling back. "You want my cock inside of you, don't you, slut?"

"Yes--fuck--Kylo, please." You hummed, pulling him back towards you and smothering his mouth in a needy kiss. Kylo wrapped his arms tightly around your legs, holding you up against him as he pulled you away from the wall. Without breaking the kiss, Kylo carried you over to his bed, laying you down against the mattress and positioning himself on top of you. You kicked your pants all the way off as Kylo heaved over you, kissing down your neck and chest. His cock grazed over your clit as he dragged it through your folds, teasing you. You yelped, your nerves tingling with pleasure. 

With one big thrust, Kylo slammed into you, his cock splitting you in half. You screamed, curling your arms and legs around him, bringing him closer. He sunk into you with strong, deep movements--shaking the bed violently, the backboard slamming against the wall. You dug your nails into his back, scraping at he fabric of his robes--moaning his name into his ear. Your words spurred him on, and he kissed at your bare skin, sucking purple hickeys along your collarbone. He buried his head in the crook of your neck, huffing in ragged breaths as he pounded into you. You were engulfed in an endless sea of pleasure as Kylo pushed deeper and deeper with every thrust--becoming sloppier as he approached his climax. 

"Fuck..." he breathed into your shoulder, returning to your mouth and meeting you with a deep kiss. He bit lightly at your bottom lip, pulling at it playfully with his teeth. Your breathing was desperate and shallow as you gasped in between kisses--Kylo sneaking his tongue back into your mouth. Your walls clenched tightly around him as he pushed in even farther, filling you completely. You screamed, thrusting your hips further towards him, your breath catching in your throat. You felt your orgasm approaching as he pounded into you, the sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room. 

"Do you want to cum?" He panted, his mouth falling beside your ear, his hot breath on your skin. You shivered, running your hands down his fabric-hidden chest. You could still feel the rippling of his muscles even under all of the layers, and you leaned your head back, moaning. 

"Yes, please--ugh--Kylo yes." You managed through ragged breaths as he slammed into you even harder than before, your pussy throbbing around him. You were already drowning in pleasure as Kylo pushed deeper, but suddenly a new sensation sent fireworks through your body. His gloved hand slipped down to your clit, rubbing his thumb in circles around it as he continued to thrust into you. You screamed in ecstasy, digging your hands into his back. You were surprised that you didn't rip a hole in the fabric with how viciously you dug your fingernails in. 

"You're not allowed to c-cum until I tell you to," he heaved, throwing his head back, his chest rising and falling with rapid movements. "Say my name, slut."

"Kylo," You moaned, shifting under him and feeling sweat bead along your forehead. He bucked into you forcefully, pushing you deep into the mattress--a pleasure-filled scream spilling from your lips. 

"Who gets to f-fuck you?" He whispered. You could tell he was close to finishing, his body shaking above you. 

"You do," You moaned, your face buried in his hair. 

"Cum for me now, whore." He ordered, pulling back from on top of you and meeting your gaze. He grabbed your jaw in his hand, forcing your eyes to watch him. His irises flashed with hunger, his lids drooping slightly as he moaned, cursing under his breath. You followed his direction, letting yourself go, your orgasm crashing over you. Your limbs shook violently underneath him, white-light exploding behind your eyes. Your skin tingled and your breath caught in your throat, your moans cut off into strangled yelps. He continued to thrust into you, his cum spilling into you as he climaxed. A deep groan echoed from his throat as he leaned down on top of you, smashing his lips back against yours. Through desperate kisses, he moaned against your mouth, his hands leaving you chin and clit and moving to roam over your bare thighs. 

As both of you winded down, sweat slicked against your skin, Kylo pulled out, heaving over you. You closed you eyes, catching your breath. You were caught off guard, yelping quietly as Kylo leaned down again, pressing his lips against yours--lightly this time. He kissed you slowly, his lips like pillows against your mouth, soft and silky. You raised your hands to his face, cupping his chin in your palms. He leaned back slightly, his face hovering above yours--his eyes staring deep into you. You scanned over him, the small details of his face highlighted in the light from the window above you. You counted the freckles dotted along his skin, reaching up to trace over them. He flinched slightly, but didn't pull away--his face blank. But again, his eyes betrayed him. You could see something in them. Something other than just lust. You couldn't quite place it--but it was there. You smiled weakly, twirling a piece of his hair between your fingers. 

"I do want to be here." You whispered, searching his expression for something--anything. But his face did not change. He stared back at you, silent. You felt a question creep into your mind. You told yourself not to say it. You knew what the answer would be. But still, you felt your lips speaking the words. "Do you want me to be here?" His eyes flashed with something unidentifiable as you spoke.

"I do not want you dead." He replied.

"That doesn't answer my question." You pressed on, a pleading expression on your face. He pretended not to notice, pulling away from you and standing up from the bed. He re-adjusted his clothes, covering his bare skin with a few quick movements. He peered down at you, emotionless. 

"You can't go back to your room." He said cooly, switching conversation topics. "Hux will have you executed if he finds you." You sat up, nodding, and slid off the bed, searching the floor for your pants. As you took a step, you winced at the pain between your legs.

"I know," You replied, slipping the starchy fabric of the uniform back over your skin. "But where am I supposed to go?"

"You'll stay here." He answered. 

"What?" You froze, staring up at him. "Like, permanently?" The idea of it made your stomach churn--in a good or a bad way, you didn't know yet. 

"Until I can sort this out." He watched you as you moved back to the bed and sat down. 

"How?" You questioned, looking up at him, fear clouding your vision. "How are you going to sort this out?" He ignored you, instead grabbing his helmet and slipping it back over his head. You frowned as he walked away from you, stomping over to the door to the hallway. He paused, turning back towards you. 

"I will be back," he said coldly, "You'll wait for me here. Don't try to leave."

You nodded, a million questions swirling through your mind. Kylo flicked his hand slightly and the door flew open, his figure disappearing through the long passageway. With that, he was gone. You heard the door open and close back on the other side of the corridor--leaving you completely alone.


	14. Interrupted

You sat in silence for hours, waiting for Kylo to come back. But eventually, you couldn't help but lay your head down on the soft mattress, drifting off to sleep. You dreamt of Quill--staring at you with teary eyes as you were pulled away from him. You dreamt of Kylo--his voice reverberating through your mind as he told the troopers to release you. You dreamt of his body--hot and sweaty--pressed up against yours as his lips grazed over your bare skin. But you were snapped from your dreams as the sound of the door hissing open echoed down the hallway. You sat up quickly, rubbing your eyes. 

After a moment, Kylo busted through the entrance, shoulders slumped froward and chest heaving. You could hear his frustrated breaths under his mask as he stomped into the room, hands clenched into fists. His head pointed towards the ground and shaking side to side, he paced around in front of you. 

"What happened?" You asked quietly, standing up to walk towards him. He didn't respond at first, but he snapped his head towards you--making you freeze in fear. 

"Do you understand what you've done?" He seethed, pointing at you with an accusatory finger, "Hux is insistent that you be executed immediately. If Supreme Leader--" He cut himself off, dropping his arm back to his side. 

"Kylo," You whispered, reaching your hand towards him carefully and placing it on his wrist. Instantly, he recoiled from your touch as if you'd slapped him. Your heart lurched painfully as he backed away, turning his back to you. 

"Do you understand what kind of position you've put me in?" He said quietly, his voice cold.

"What position? I didn't ask for you to defend me." Kylo whirled around suddenly, rushing towards you. You yelped in fear as he grabbed you by your throat, squeezing your windpipe in his grasp. Your voice squeaked out quietly as he choked the air out of your body, your eyes bulging. 

"Do you want me to let you die?" He hissed, his mask inches from your face, "Maybe I should." You tried desperately to shake you head, but his hand prevented you from moving. Please, you whispered through you mind, your vision starting to go fuzzy, I'm sorry. He considered you as your face started to turn purple, the lack of air making your brain start to shut down. His mask started to distort before you as you blacked out, but just as you were about to fade away, he released you, your legs giving out and dropping you to the floor. You gasped desperately for air as you laid sprawled out on the ground, your vision slowly coming back. You peered at him above you, standing motionless. Recovering with steady breaths, you struggled to your feet, glaring at Kylo through thin slits of eyes. 

"Thank you for saving me." You said through gritted teeth, rolling your eyes, "I appreciated it."

"I shouldn't have." He responded coldly, "You're ungrateful for all the things I've done for you."

"All the things you've done for me?!" You exclaimed, your blood boiling, "Do you mean when you tortured me for information? Or when you smacked me over the head with your helmet? Or when you just tried to choke me to death?"

"I saved your life." He said cooly, "Would you rather be dead?"

"Maybe I would," You shot back, "You obviously don't care about my wellbeing. You just want me here so you have someone to fuck."

"You didn't seem to have a problem with that a few hours ago." He whispered, stepping closer to you. You paused for a moment, watching him. 

"Why did you save me?" You breathed, backing away from him. He continued towards you, his mask scanning over your body. He reached up slowly and unlocked it, sliding it over his head and revealing his face. His dark eyes met yours instantly, locking you in. 

"Why does it matter?" He asked, his full lips parting as he spoke. 

"Because it does to me." You spat, your face heating up quickly.

"You are a valuable prisoner," He responded coldly, "You might be useful in the future."

"No," You choked, pleading with your eyes, "Please tell me that that's not the only reason. Please."

"What do you want me to tell you?" He whispered, looming over you as your heels met with the wall, your back pressing against the hard surface. 

"You know what I want you to tell me." You breathed, embarrassment rushing through you.

"I do." He said, watching you with a focused expression. Your heart sank as silence fell over the room like a thick fog. Kylo shifted towards you again, his hand reaching out to grab a strand of your hair. He ran his fingers down it as you shivered, wanting to melt into him and forget about everything else. You wanted to crash into him--to feel his lips smothered against yours, to run your hands up and down his body. But you stayed still, pressed up against the wall. 

"You know how I feel." You whispered as your cheeks burned, trying to get something--anything--out of him, "Why can't you just tell me what you're thinking?"

"I saved you," He said, "That should tell you everything you need to know."

"But it doesn't," You cried, groaning and rubbing your temples. 

He shifted closer again, his face just inches from yours. When he spoke, his breath tickled the end of your nose.

"I want you to be here." He muttered, "I don't know how to be any clearer."

"Do you care about me?" You demanded, your eyes narrowing.

He paused, considering you. His face was blank again--but his eyes flashed with something. You noticed it immediately, a spark of hope igniting in your heart.

"If I didn't," He whispered, leaning closer, "I would have let you die."

Your chest burned as your heart nearly exploded in your chest. It wasn't much, but it was enough for you. You launched forwards, catching him off guard in a deep kiss. He responded, forcing you back against the wall and sinking his hands into your hair. He ran his fingers along your scalp, his tongue slipping into your mouth hungrily. You moaned into him, your hands grasping at his chest. As he leaned against you, you felt his cock press desperately against your leg, his erection pitching a tall tent in his pants. You ran your hands down to his belt, trying to unhook it without breaking the kiss. But he pulled away, yanking it off in a quick motion and bringing his lips back to yours. You grasped at the hem of his pants, sliding them off his hips as he kissed down along your neck and shoulder. You hummed as he grasped at your tits, ripping open your shirt with ease. He pinched your nipples, making you squeal as a shiver ran through you. You finally got his pants down, his cock springing free from the fabric. You pulled away from the kiss, your mouth watering as you admired his size. It still surprised you as much as the first time you'd seen it. He wrapped his hands around it, jerking himself as he stared at you with ravenous eyes. He choked back a moan as he ran his hands up and down it, bucking his hips towards you. You grasped at it as he leaned into you, his hands moving back to your tits. You worked your fingers along his shaft with spit-covered hands--earning a deep moan from his lips, buried in your hair. He shook as you grabbed him, his breathing sounding strangled. After a moment, you started to lower your head down to it, your mouth opened and placed at the tip when--

Knock, knock, knock. 

You both froze, your heads whipping around to face the door, fear flashing in your eyes. You ripped your hands--and mouth--off his body, standing back up and sliding away from him. You messed with your shirt hurriedly, trying to make to look like Kylo's hands hadn't just popped all the buttons open with one strong rip. He glanced back at you, a crazed look across his face as you silently motioned towards the door with furrowed brows. He huffed exasperatedly, tucking himself back into his pants and moving towards the door. Your body was still tingling from being ripped from the moment so quickly, and you tried to steady your breathing as Kylo reached the entrance. With a frustrated smack, Kylo punched at the panel on the wall, the door hissing open. A trooper stood in the hall, blaster in hand. As soon as he saw Kylo, he took a small step back, leaning away slightly. You guessed that he was terrified of the look on Kylo's face--and he should have been. It almost made you laugh, but you bit your tongue. 

"Uh--" The trooper stuttered, "Sir, General Hux requested your presence in the Command Center." He paused, "With the girl." Kylo's shoulders tensed in the doorway, his figure looming angrily over the small trooper. 

"I already discussed the issue with Hux." Kylo said eerily quietly. "I see no need to entertain it any further." You could tell he was about to explode. He was right on the edge, voice trembling ever so slightly. But it seemed that the trooper hadn't picked up on it yet. He continued.

"Sir, I'm supposed to bring you and the girl to the Command Center. I have direct orders from Ge-" Kylo launched forward, grabbing the trooper around the neck and lifting him above his head. A choked gag came from the trooper's throat, his hands going to his neck, trying desperately to pry Kylo off. But it was no use. Kylo was locked in--his anger controlling his every movement. He squeezed tighter, glaring ferociously, his lip curled into a nasty snarl. With an animalistic growl, he threw the trooper to the ground, the armor on the man's back cracking on impact. In a flash, Kylo grabbed at his side, pulling forth a long, metal rod. His lightsaber, you quickly realized, fear flashing through you. Red crackling lights sprung forward from the hilt, blazing to life and illuminating Kylo's face in the glow--twisted in uncontrolled fury. With another guttural scream, Kylo raised the blade above his head, both hands grasping at the hilt. With a strong thrust, he drove the saber down through the trooper's chest, the man's scream being silenced as the air was drained from his punctured lungs. The nauseating smell of burning flesh and plastic filled the room instantly. You screamed, tearing your eyes away and gagging as the smell drifted into your nose. 

Kylo stood over him, seething, lightsaber still crackling in his tightly clenched hand. His mouth hung open as he took in shuddered breaths, his eyes wild and animalistic. You stared at him, frozen with fear and shock. You knew that he could do this--but you'd never seen it before. Seeing it made your whole body feel as though it was giving out. He wasn't a man anymore. He was possessed. A demon, standing over a dead, burnt body. 

"Kylo-" You breathed as his eyes flashed to meet yours. As he met you gaze, you saw his expression soften, his mouth closing and his forehead relaxing. His eyes returned to normal as he slowed his breathing, killing his saber with a hiss and hooking it back onto his belt. "You ju--you just killed him." You whispered, your eyes bulging. 

"Yes." He said, his voice not showing a hint of emotion. You shivered.

"You just killed him Kylo. You murdered someone. Does that really have no effect on you?! At all?!" For some reason, tears came to your eyes, hot as they spilled down your cheeks. Maybe it was because you'd seen two men die in the last few hours. And what was worse--one was by your hand. But the thought of what you'd done still haunted you. Kylo was unaffected. Cold. Lifeless. 

"We have to go to the Command Center." He replied, ignoring your words. "You'll stay close to me. Don't speak. To anyone. If you try to defend yourself, the chance of you surviving will be much less likely."

"Are you fucking crazy?" You spat, glaring at him. "You want me to go back there?"

"We have no choice." You eyed him, your brow furrowed. "Do you trust me?" He said quietly, stepping towards you--ignoring the body by his feet. You glanced down at it, quivering. 

"No." You seethed.

"You'll have to. I will keep you safe. " He said, turning towards the door and making his way to the hallway. Safe. His statement echoed in your mind. You weren't sure if you believed it, but you wanted to. "Come." He ordered, flicking his wrist at you. Rolling your eyes, you stomped to his side, staying a few feet away from him as he stormed down the corridor and out into the main hall. You took one last terrified look back at the trooper's cauterized body, steam rising from his burnt flesh. Shivering, you followed Kylo quickly out of the room--feeling an overwhelming sense of dread wash over you. You couldn't possibly imagine how this meeting would end well for you. 

You kept your head down as you walked through the halls, feeling as if a million eyes were on you at once. They probably were--maybe because you'd just murdered a trooper, or because you were walking with Kylo Ren. Either way, you tried to hide your face with your hair--shame clouding your vision. The only sound you could process was Kylo's boots stomping against the floor, sounding intimidating even to you. He marched along quickly, shifting his weight from foot to foot in a way that made his body look even bigger as he walked. You marveled at him--feeling a little safer with him guarding you made your way through Starkiller. No one would try you with him there, and if they did, the dead trooper in his room was proof of what he was willing to do. You shook again at the thought of it--the man's terrified scream echoing in your memory. 

All too quickly, you recognized the giant, window covered room in front of you. Dread sank into your bones as it grew nearer and nearer, the entry way now looming over your head. You walked a little closer to Kylo's side as you made your way into the room, his eyes flicking towards you as you did. As soon as you got inside, the whole room froze. Before when you'd entered, you'd been invisible. No one had payed any attention to your presence. But now, a hundred eyes shot up from their work at once, falling onto you with hateful glares. You took in a deep breath and exhaled, trying to ignore it. Maybe they were just looking at Kylo, you reassured yourself, but deep down you knew that wasn't true. They all wanted you dead. 

"Well," A voice came from behind you. You whipped around, Hux's fire red hair meeting your gaze. His face was twisted into a disgusted snarl, his eyes narrowed into slits. He looked paler than usual, his skin standing out against his dark black uniform. "So nice of you to finally join us." He paused, glancing at Kylo, a small smirk creeping across his lips. "I have to say, Ren," He sneered, looking you up and down, "She's perfect for you. A murderer for a murderer. You two will get along well." Your face burned redder than it ever had, your blood boiling. 

"We do not have time for ridiculous assumptions, General." Kylo responded cooly, almost appearing unaffected. But his hand jerked slightly, clamping into a tight fist. "Do you really think it's necessary to concern the Supreme Leader with such an unimportant issue?"

"Oh most definitely," Hux continued, the same nasty smirk painted on his lips. "I think Supreme Leader Snoke would be extremely interested in hearing about how this issue has distracted you from what is really important." Kylo tensed, standing up straighter, his lips pursing angrily.

"I do not agree." Kylo said quietly, the tremor of fury returning to his voice. You winced at it, fearing that he was about to blow up again. He wouldn't, you told yourself, not here. But really, you weren't so confident in his ability to control himself. 

"It's irrelevant whether you agree or not," Hux continued, seeming to enjoy watching Kylo bristle, "I've already informed him about what has happened. About what she did." He turned his gaze back to you, glaring. 

"I can handle the situation," Kylo replied, each word coming slowly. "I will make sure her punishment is severe."

"Her punishment will be death." Hux hissed, lowing his voice to a serpent-like whisper and leaning towards Kylo threateningly. "And I will make sure of it." Kylo stayed still, but his eyes burned with fury--fighting desperately to be unleashed. Nevertheless, he held himself together, his chest heaving. 

"She will be taken to a cell," Hux said, eyeing you with disdain, "Until her inevitable fate is decided." Kylo fists clenched even tighter, his arms tensing at his side. He paused, his brow furrowed. 

"Of course," He slowly muttered--your heart crumbling as he spoke. What? You cried through your mind, trying to reach him. Kylo please, please don't let them take me. He remained motionless, never looking towards you as you stared at him with desperate, pleading eyes. Kylo! You screamed, feeling your heartbeat slam in your chest. They're going to kill me! You said you would keep me safe! If he heard you, he pretended not to, straightening his spine and nodding towards Hux. Without another word, he began to walk towards the door, leaving you behind in the trooper-filled room. Your heart dropped out of your chest and onto the floor--your mind melting into a pool of disbelief and pain. Kylo, you whispered, tears again appearing in your eyes. His shoulders slumped as he moved away from you, his cape flaring behind him. You started to hyperventilate as he rounded the corner out of the Command Center, disappearing from view. You pressed your hands to your face, sobbing into them silently. You last grasps onto hope slipped away as your body collapsed, falling to your knees. You closed your eyes--terror sinking in. As you did, you felt a gloved hand grasp your scalp, yanking your face towards the ceiling. Hux raised his hand above you, bringing it down as hard as he could against your cheek. You screamed in anguish as his fist bashed against you, throwing you to the ground. Without missing a beat, he pressed his foot down on the back of your head, forcing your face into the ground. A loud snap sounded in your ears as the bridge of your nose cracked under the pressure--a flood of red blood pouring from your nostril. It smeared over the cold floor as Hux twisted his foot from side to side, pounding you into the ground like a smashed bug. He lifted his foot, quickly reaching down to grab at your scalp again. He yanked you back up onto your knees, twisting your neck towards him.

"Ren isn't here to protect you anymore, scum." He seethed, his eyes flashing with greedy power. "and you'll pay for what you've done."

You let out a sob as two troopers grabbed your arms from behind, hauling you to your feet and dragging you towards the door. But not before Hux landed one more blow to your stomach, making you cough up a pool of blood onto your shirt. He looked satisfied as you were dragged away, the memory of his mocking smirk burned into your mind.


	15. A Feeling of Power

"Ah!" you yelped as the troopers tossed you to the ground, your face throbbing from you possibly broken nose. You hit the floor with a smack, the cold surface meeting your skin. Backing away from the troopers, you glanced around the room. It was tiny and dark, with no windows on any of the walls--which were completely black. A small cot laid in the corner, a thin, raggedy blanket tossed across it. There was no pillow, and nothing else to look at. That was it. A bed. You sighed, catching your breath and struggling to your feet. Before you could even glance back at them, the troopers were closing the door, giving you one last look before leaving you alone, a beeping sound coming from a small panel as the lock clicked. You were left in the darkness, your eyes trying to adjust to the lack of light. You stumbled around, searching for the bed. Eventually, you found it, flopping down onto it and spreading your limbs. 

You reached a careful hand to your nose, pressing lightly at you swollen skin. Blood was still dripping from your nostril, and you grimaced as the taste of iron coated your lips. As you sat in the silence, the darkness around quickly became more and more suffocating, and you started to feel claustrophobic, your heart rate picking up again. You slammed your eyes shut and dived into the thin mattress, pulling the rag of a blanket over your head. You took deep breaths, trying to calm yourself down. Slowly it started to help, and you flipped over onto your back--letting the thoughts that had been waiting in the back of your mind slip forward. 

Kylo had abandoned you. He'd said he would keep you safe, and he hadn't. You thought about him walking away from you, his shoulders slumped defeatedly. You'd wanted to scream at him, to make him look at you as you pleaded for him to stay. But he'd avoided your eyes. You gritted your teeth as you remembered it, anger boiling in your blood. So much for trusting him. 

You nested into the rock of a bed, trying to get comfortable. Sleep was the only way you could think to escape your thoughts and your terrible, haunting memories. Luckily, it came easily. It usually did. You were constantly exhausted. You'd heard that stress could do that to you. It was definitely true. 

A dream came to you as you drifted off, clear as anything that was happening in reality. But it wasn't a memory. It wasn't like anything you'd seen before. You were standing in a large, vast room, the walls drenched in bright red. It almost hurt your eyes to look at it, overwhelming your senses with the bloody color. The floor was shiny and black, and was shaped like a giant circle. At the head of the room sat a large, black throne, red glowing lines traced into the side. Or at least you thought it was a throne. There was no one on it, and you peered at it with furrowed brows. Above you, tall pillars stood over your head, looming intimidatingly. You instantly felt small, just like you did when you stood next to Kylo. But here, you felt even smaller. The room was cold. This was a bad place. You didn't even have to know exactly where you were to know that evil lived here. Real, raw evil. A shiver ran through you. You needed to get away from wherever this was as fast as possible. You turned to leave, seeing an exit behind you. But as you were about to move your feet, a voice entered the room. 

"My child", it whispered, voice groggy and ragged, "sit."

You whipped your head around, searching for the speaker. But there was none. You were alone. Your eyes flashed back to the throne, empty and almost--welcoming. It seemed to draw you towards it, as if it was made for you--calling your name. You took a tentative step towards it, eyes narrowed in suspicion. Another step, then another, and another. The floor sloped upwards as you grew nearer and nearer. Before you knew it, you were standing in front of it, heart slamming in your chest. 

"It's yours," the voice cooed, spurring you on, "do not be afraid."

Taking a deep breath, you stepped a foot up onto it, hoisting yourself into the deep, hard seat. It felt strange at first, but as you adjusted into it, it started to feel like it was made to fit your body. Your arms rested on its sides, your back laying against the hard surface. It was just as comfortable as any expensive mattress you'd ever laid on. Maybe even better. You sighed, relaxing into it and glancing around at your surroundings. You felt strangely powerful as you sat, elevated above the rest of the room. You'd forgotten all about your initial instincts, grinning as you propped your leg over your other. 

"You see?" The voice whispered, "The power. It feels good, doesn't it?"

"Yes," You responded, a cruel smile creeping over your lips. Your heart burned with a new feelings--a dark, destructive feeling. Your breathing sped up as it spread through you limbs, seeming to control your every movement. Your body tingled, making you feel as though your skin was bullet-proof. No one could hurt you when you were on this throne, and you surprised yourself as a maniacal laugh spilled from your lips, echoing through the empty room. You picked up your hand, watching in disbelief as blue lines of electricity flashed between your fingers, making you arm vibrate with new power. A snarl curled over your lips, and you leaned back into your throne as you eyes began to burn with a new fire. An evil, overwhelming fire. It consumed you, blackening your heart in your chest and turning your soul from the person you were to someone new. You were reborn. More powerful. Stronger. Stronger than Kylo, stronger than the First Order, stronger than anyone. And they would all pay for what they'd done to you. 

"Yes," The voice growled, "Remember this, my child..."

With a gasping breath, you were ripped from your dream, sitting up in your bed with sweat dripping down your body. The blanket was drenched, and you ripped it off of you, panting. You remembered the dream as if had really happened. It had felt so real. A dream had never felt like that before--like it was an actual memory. You slid off the cot and onto your feet, pacing around the tiny room. Part of you wanted to fall asleep again. You wanted to go back. To feel it again. You desperately wanted to. But for some reason, you knew that that wasn't a good idea. You couldn't exactly put your finger on it, but something about the dream felt wrong. It felt like you weren't yourself when you were in it. You were someone else. A darker side of you, that maybe didn't need to be explored any further. You decided that falling asleep again was too risky-- so you propped yourself up in the corner. You realized suddenly that you still had your watch on. You hadn't even thought of it--and you glanced down at your wrist. 

4:00 AM. You sighed. You'd be alone for a while. Your mind drifted to Kylo. You wandered if he was laying awake, thinking about what he'd done to you. You highly doubted it. He was probably sleeping fine. He'd probably stopped thinking about you the moment he'd rounded that corner, disappearing from view. He'd lied to you before, back in his room. Obviously, he didn't care about you. Not at all. You knew that for sure now. 

But just as you began to think about him, a noise came from the hallway--footsteps. You jumped, running back to the bed and slipping under the blanket, trying to appear to be asleep. Your heart slammed as you heard the beeping of the panel on the other side of the door, unlocking the cell with a click. You froze completely, holding your breath as you heard the door slide open slowly, footsteps entering the room. Whoever it was, they were trying to move quietly, and they slid the door back closed with a muted hiss. The footsteps grew closer to your bed, your eyes still slammed shut. They paused in front of you, silence falling over the room--besides your heart, which was beating way too loud. 

"You're awake." A voice came from above you. A familiar voice. You shot upright, your eyes bulging. Kylo stood over your head, mask-less. His eyes met yours instantly, an emotion you couldn't place flashing in them. He almost looked...sad?

"Wha-" You stuttered, struggling to find words. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm making sure you're safe." He replied, face blank.

"Are you kidding me?" You whisper-hissed, glaring at him. "No, I'm not fucking safe asshole. You abandoned me." You gestured angrily at your face, bloodied and swollen. Ignoring your harsh words, he tilted his head slightly, lowering to his knees and meeting your face at the same level. Your breath caught in your throat as he did, his face just a few feet from yours. To your astonishment, he reached forward gingerly, his hand resting on you cheek and ghosting his thumb over your nose. You winced in pain as he touched it, and he pulled away slightly, cupping your chin instead. His eyes flicked over your face, inspecting your injuries. His lips pulled into a slight frown, and he sighed quietly. 

"Who did this to you?" He whispered, a slight tone of concern in his voice. You quivered. 

"Hux." You breathed, watching his every movement carefully. He took in a sharp breath, tensing his jaw. 

"I couldn't do anything more." He said, his hand still on your chin. You felt your eyes well up again, but you forced back the lump in your throat. 

"But-" You choked, trying to appear put-together, "You didn't even try." You paused, your face twisting with sadness, "You just left."

With the last word, you felt yourself snap, crumbling into a pool of tears. Your body wracked with sobs, and you forced your hands into your face, turning away from him. You were so sick of Kylo seeing you cry. You felt so weak. So helpless. You'd told him you didn't need him to save you. Clearly, that wasn't true. But you couldn't bare to feel any more humiliated--so you lied. 

"And you can leave again," You cried, glancing up at him, "I'm used to it by now." He stared at you, his jaw tensing again. He considered you for a moment, his eye twitching slightly. Suddenly, he lunged forward, his arms reaching for you. You yelped as he pulled you into his grasp, your body pressed up against his chest in a tight embrace. He wrapped around you, his hand guiding the back of your head to lay against his shoulder. For a moment, you were stiff--frozen with confusion and resistance. You didn't know how to handle this. He was hugging you. Holding you to him--like you actually meant something. It felt more intimate than anything else you'd ever done. More than anything sexual. This was different. 

"Kylo," You whispered, expecting for him to pull away. But he didn't. Instead, he held you tighter, pulling your legs forward and wrapping them around his torso. He hoisted himself up onto the cot, your body curled around him completely. A disbelieving smile crept across your lips as you finally melted into him, holding onto him for dear life. You buried your face in the crook of his neck, his curled hair ticking your nose and forehead. You sighed, all of the pain and frustration draining from your body as he held you. You sat in silence as he rocked you back and forth, stroking your head and shushing you as you cried. 

You remembered when he'd taken care of you a few nights before. How he'd held you then--it was a lot like how he was holding you now. So carefully--like you were a piece of glass that would shatter if he squeezed it too tightly. You remembered how you'd felt like that man wasn't Kylo. He was someone else. A real person, with a heart and feelings. And you felt like that again, now. The man holding you against him was not Kylo Ren. You could feel the shift as you nestled against him, his heartbeat echoing in your ear. You counted the rhythm, just like before. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Suddenly, he pulled away, his hands on your shoulders. He stared at you with softened eyes, seeming to peer all the way into your soul. Even if he hadn't been able to read your mind, it felt like he could have in that moment. He leaned forward slowly, his hand returning to your face, ghosting over your skin and holding your gingerly. You let out a small breath before he pressed his lips against yours in a gentle touch, his thumb rubbing your cheek. He moved his hands to the back of your neck, pulling you tight to him. The kiss was delicate, like he was scared that anything more would scare you away. But you melted against his body, your hands combing through his thick hair. Shifting against him, you tried to move your head to a new position. But as you did, your swollen nose brushed up against his, exploding in pain. You jerked back, bringing your hands to your face and wincing. 

"Sorry," You groaned, sighing.

He nodded, his eyes still soft like before. You stared into them, wanting to understand exactly what he was thinking, what he was feeling, who he was. Not Kylo Ren, but the person under all of those robes. You wanted to know him. You wanted to care about him, and to have him care about you. He stared back at you, his face just as blank as usual. 

"What's going to happen?" You asked, leaning back on your arms. Kylo exhaled slowly, looking down. 

"You'll be questioned by Supreme Leader Snoke," He replied, his voice quiet and solemn. "About what you did."

"What will he do to me?" You continued, searching for Kylo's eyes. But he wouldn't look at you. 

"He'll determine your punishment." His jaw tensed as he spoke, his hand clenching. 

"He's going to kill me." You whispered, your voice trembling slightly, "Isn't he." Kylo finally looked up at you, his lips tilted into a frown. He sighed, wringing his hands together. 

"Kylo," you reached towards him, placing your hand on top of his. He tensed. "Isn't he."

He paused, his lips parting. "He may." Your head drooped down, a quiet sob escaping your lips. But you didn't let any tears fall. Instead, you looked back at Kylo--an idea coming to your mind. You knew it was risky to bring up--but with your circumstances it couldn't wait any longer. You took in a deep breath. 

"If I'm going to die," You choked, "I want to die knowing your name."

His face twisted into a deep frown. "What?" 

"I want to know your name." You said confidently, "You're real name."

"No," He cut you off, leaning back from you and pulling his hand out from under yours. 

"Please," You begged, "It's just a name, Kylo."

"No it's-" He stuttered, looking flustered, "It's not who I am anymore. That person. That name. They're dead. I killed them a long time ago."

"But why?" You pried, shifting toward him. He jumped up from the bed, standing up again.

"Because they were weak." He spat, the soft look in his eyes being replaced with one of anger and pain. "Because they were foolish."

"No," you whispered, "That's still you, Kylo. I can see it." He glared down at you, his face solemn and hands clenched into fists by his side. "I know that that part of your still exists."

"You don't know anything." He hissed, his eyes narrowed into slits. "If you did, you would run." You furrowed your brows, fear shooting through you. But you didn't back down.

"Then tell me." You continued, shifting towards him again. 

"You will never understand," He seethed, teeth bared, "The darkness inside me."

"But I want to understand it," You whispered, your eyes pleading. "Kylo, I just want to know you."

"No," He said, an icy tone in his voice, "You don't." With that, he spun away from you, stomping towards the door. With a flick of his wrist it flew open and he stormed through it, out into the hallway. 

"No!" You protested, jumping off the bed and rushing towards him, "Please, stop!" But you were too late, your hands smacking up against the door as it slammed shut, trapping you again. You screamed, banging your fists up against it with rage. But it was no use. No one could hear you. 

"Coward!" You yelled, tears re-appearing in your eyes, "I hate you! I fucking hate you!" You slid to the ground, collapsing into a pile of sobs and shivers. You could still hear his footsteps out in the hallway, walking away from you with long strides. You spent the rest of the night curled into a ball on the ground, attempting to replicate the way Kylo had held you with your own arms. But it was useless. You felt more alone now than ever, the cold of the room sinking into your bones. The dread of the events to come consumed your mind, and you quivered just thinking about having to see Hux again. And, now, Supreme Leader Snoke, who you were sure wouldn't be too fond of you either. 

You felt the last bits of hope in your heart slip away as Kylo's footsteps disappeared completely, leaving you downing in silence once more. You rocked yourself back and forth, trying not to think about the fact that that might have been the last time you'd get to talk to him. You might never hear his voice again. You might never get to feel his lips, soft and gentle, pressed up against yours for another time. Maybe that was it. If you died tomorrow, then you'd die without even knowing his real name. The thought haunted you as you unwillingly fell asleep, sprawled out on the cold, hard floor.


	16. Do You Know Who He Is?

You screamed, ripped from your sleep, as four big hands grasped at your arms, yanking you across the floor. You were confused and disoriented as you were dragged into the hallway and hosted up onto your feet, your hands being bound behind you in tight cuffs. They scraped against your skin, and you winced at the feeling of the cold metal. 

"Hold still," one of the troopers groaned, clicking them closed around your wrists. Your eyes were tired, aching from being woken up so abruptly, and your vision was blurred with sleep. Your head spun with confusion as they began to force you down the hallway, trying to process what was going on. But quickly, you remembered. 

You shivered as you thought of what had happened the day before--and even worse--what had happened last night. You cringed at the memory of Kylo's reaction to you asking to know his name. You wished you could go back and un-ask. You hadn't wanted up upset him, but you had. And now look what you'd done. You needed his support now more than ever--your life literally depended on it. 

Terror coursed through your veins as the troopers led you through Starkiller's maze. The hallways all blended together after a while, and you felt as though you'd been walking for hours, your feet getting sore. Eventually though, you came up on something you'd never seen before. A giant, circle shaped elevator, shooting straight up for as far as you could see. It seemed to never end, and you gulped as you were shoved towards it with a painful jab to your shoulder. One of the troopers moved from your side and fiddled with a small panel on the wall, entering a code too complicated to remember. With a hiss, the tall door to the elevator opened slowly, revealing a small circular room. The walls were black, but they were covered with a hundred geometric shaped white lights. They blinded you a little as you walked in, your eyes still adjusting to being awake. The troopers shoved you inside and closed the door behind them, locking you inside. After a moment, the elevator lurched upwards and started to move, slowly at first, but speeding up quickly. You took a deep breath and exhaled through your nose, trying not to panic. You had no idea what to expect. You didn't know anything about this "Supreme Leader Snoke". You had no idea who he was, or what he looked like, or what he was planning on doing with you. You shivered, imagining all the terrible things that could happen. You shot up through Starkiller's core, your heart beating faster and faster the higher your rose. You noticed that even the troopers seemed to tense as you got closer to your destination. Were they afraid too? That only made you feel worse. 

You were lost in your thoughts until the elevator suddenly slowed to a stop, jerking as it locked into position. Your blood ran cold and you tensed your spine, readying yourself for whatever was about to appear in front of you. You tried to seem calm and collected. You wanted to stay strong and look unafraid. Anything but completely terrified would do. But still, your skin flashed a pale white color, all the blood draining from your face as fear overtook you. Your lip trembled as the door popped, readying to open. With a slow hiss, it finally slid sideways, revealing the room before you.

As soon as you laid your eyes on it, your heart stopped cold. You blinked in utter disbelief at what you were seeing, mouth hanging open. You'd seen this place before. The giant, circular room laid before you, walls drenched in bright red. The floor, just as shiny and black as you remembered it, flashed your terrified reflection back at you. The pillars above your head seemed even bigger than they'd been in your dream, towering over your head. It felt like they were mocking you--you were so tiny compared to them. To their power. A chill ran through you as the troopers shoved you forward again, your feet crossing the threshold of the elevator and into the room. It was cold--just like you remembered. And it felt even darker now that you were really here. The air hung with a certain heavy, dead feeling. It made you instantly uncomfortable as you walked forward, your feet feeling like bricks as you dragged them along. As you focused your gaze on the center of the room, the giant throne met your gaze, bigger than you remember it. But that wasn't the biggest difference. This time, it wasn't empty. 

A pale, crippled face met your gaze. Gashes and cuts sliced through the man's skin, hanging loosely off his skull. It almost looked like he'd melted. As soon as you saw him, your blood turned to ice in your veins. Supreme Leader Snoke sat before you, his giant figure looming over the room. His dead, lifeless eyes were sunk deep into his skull, their bright blue color piercing through you. His mouth was twisted and disfigured, his lips pulled into a nasty, tilted smirk. His nose was crooked, throwing his face off center, and on his forehead, a deep scar traveled along his skin, looking as though it split his head in half. He had no hair, and wrinkles look its place all over his head. He stared at you with an intensity you'd never experienced before, engulfing you completely in a feeling of horror and dread. He was leaned back in the throne, clothed in a long, golden robe wrapped around his slim body. The troopers forced you towards him, but you walked as slowly as they would let you. You noticed that they weren't too eager to get close to him either, their feet dragging. But eventually you were stopped in front of the throne, Snoke's eyes scanning you. You gulped, trying to breathe normally. 

"So," As soon as he spoke, a shiver ran through your body. His voice was the one you'd heard in your dream. It dripped out like poison, drowning the room in a wave of terror. "This is the girl that you've told me so much about, General." Snoke nodded his head towards a stiffened Hux, standing beside the throne. You hadn't even noticed his presence, and you glared at him with hatred in your gaze. 

"Yes, Supreme Leader," Hux said, his voice tremoring slightly. He was trying to hide it, you could tell, but you noticed anyways. He was afraid. 

"Ah," said Snoke, a terrible smile painted across his lips, revealing jagged, yellow teeth. He glanced over you again, his eyes narrowing. "Come closer, my child." Your heart slammed in your chest as he addressed you, feeling suddenly lightheaded. You stomach flipped painfully as you sucked in a breath through gritted teeth, biting nervously at your lip. You felt the trooper's hands leave your arms as they backed away, leaving you standing alone in front of him. Hesitantly, you moved forward towards him, dread creeping over you with each movement. You stopped after a few steps, noticeably shaking.

"Closer." He demanded, his voice quiet. You tensed your jaw, moving towards him again. You reached the edge of where the floor started to tilt upwards leading to his throne, and you stopped, taking a deep breath. To your horror, a deep laugh spilled from Snoke's lips as he peered down at you, smirking. You could feel his eyes on you, but you refused to meet his gaze, looking down at his feet instead. 

"Why so afraid?" He cooed, flicking his long finger towards you. You paused, taking in a deep, shaky breath. 

"Because you're going to kill me," You finally whispered, your voice quivering. Snoke huffed laughingly, leaning back further in the throne. Your face burned as you finally raised your eyes to meet his gaze. 

"No," He chucked, "I have other plans for you." You stared up at him, your brows furrowed. But before you could respond, a noise from behind you caught your attention. You whipped around, your eyes on the door of the elevator, slowly sliding open. Shoulders tensed and boots stomping loudly, Kylo stormed into the room, his presence instantly causing a hurricane of emotions to spin through your mind. Whether you were relieved or horrified to see him, you weren't sure, but your heart lurched either way. He walked quickly towards you and Snoke, his cape flaring around his ankles. His fists clenched, he stopped behind you, kneeling on his knee and bowing his head. The act of submission shocked you. Kylo Ren, bowing before someone. You blinked, your eyes wide.

"Kylo Ren," Snoke's voice rumbled like thunder through the room, "Welcome." Kylo nodded, keeping his head down. His mask was on, and your heart dropped a little as you noticed it. You wished more than anything that you could see his eyes. Whether his expression was calm or not, his eyes always betrayed him. He didn't seem to acknowledge your presence as you stared at him, never once even looking in your direction. 

"Rise," Snoke instructed him, his eyes narrowing. Kylo obeyed, standing back up and straightening his spine. 

"Approach the girl." Snoke continued, his voice raspy. Your heartbeat raced as Kylo appeared beside you, making you feel even smaller next to him. He kept his distance from you, standing a few feet away. Still, he never looked in your direction. He kept his gaze on Snoke, his head never turning towards your trembling figure. 

"You must think I am a fool," Snoke hissed at Kylo, his voice lowering menacingly, "If you believed that you could hide this from me."

"No," Kylo replied, his voice flat. A low, growl came from Snoke's throat, echoing against the walls. 

"Then please," Snoke grumbled, "explain it to me." You watched out of the corner of you eye as Kylo's shoulders rose and fell slowly as he took in a deep breath. You felt frozen as you waited for his response, your heartbeat the only thing you could hear.

"She held valuable information about the Resistance's plan to destroy this base," Kylo murmured, his voice distorted through the mask. "I believe that we may need her in the future. For further information."

"Do not lie to me, boy." Snoke snarled, his teeth bared and spit flying from his twisted lips. "I know your every thought--your every intent. There is no use trying to hide it." You were finding it harder to breathe with every passing moment. 

"I did not lie." Kylo's fists tightened. 

"But you did not tell the whole truth." Snoke glared, his eyes shooting over to you. He pointed a thin, bony finger in your direction, sliding forward in his throne. "You've become weak. Soft. You feel something for the girl." Your stomach flipped, feeling as thought it was in your throat. 

"No." Kylo snapped, his body tensing. "I do not." You winced at his words. 

"You do," Snoke spat, "I can see it." Your whole body felt as though it was on fire, feeling a million emotions at once. Fear, sadness, hope, embarrassment, shame. Your head was spinning. You eyes accidentally fell on Hux, your face painted with terror. He was staring daggers towards you, a disgusting smirk on his lips. You snarled at him, your blood boiling. But your attention was brought back to Snoke as he slammed his fist against the throne, his eyes bulging with fury. 

"And you," Snoke whispered, his gaze piercing through you. "You feel the same." You tried to shake you head, but you were suddenly pulled forward by an invisible force as Snoke's hand flicked slightly. Your body was catapulted towards him, your feet sliding over the ground like it was ice. You tried as hard as you could to resist it, but it was no use. Your body was frozen as you groaned in resistance. Your arms were glued to your side and your legs wouldn't move, your face the only thing you still had control over. Snoke forced you towards him until you were standing right in front of him, his hand close enough to touch you. Your body still bound with invisible hands, you struggled helplessly against him, your face covered in a pained expression. 

"You want him to love you," Snoke sneered at you, chuckling. "How naive." You groaned against his grasp, his words cutting into your heart. You felt a lump form in your throat, but you tried desperately to force it down. 

"No," You lied, your face burning.

"Yes," Snoke seethed, his teeth bared. "You want him to love you, like you love him."

"No, You cried, slamming your eyes shut. "No, no, no..." You weren't able to look back at Kylo, but if you could have, you wouldn't have wanted to. Embarrassment fogged your mind as you stood, frozen in front of Snoke, tears building in your waterline. He stared at you, pausing for a moment. 

"It is a foolish thing to want," Snoke continued, each word cutting deeper into your heart. "You don't know who he is." Snoke's voice echoed in your ears. "Who he was." You didn't speak, keeping your eyes glued shut. He paused for a moment. 

"What did General Organa tell you," Snoke questioned, his voice growing quieter. "About her son?" Your eyes shot open, glaring daggers at Snoke's crippled face. 

"She told me that he was stolen," You hissed, your heart pounding. "And that he was killed." To your horror, Snoke smiled slowly, and started to laugh. His voice rolled through the room, drowning out every other sound. 

"Stolen?" He roared, still laughing. "Killed?"

"Yes," You spat, your blood boiling.

"My child, Ben Solo is not dead." Snoke chuckled maniacally, rolling his eyes. Your heart stopped, your mouth suddenly feeling as dry as a desert. 

"What?" You whispered, choking, "But, Kylo said--"

"Have you not put the pieces together?" Snoke continued to wheeze, his terrible smile flashing towards you. He paused, the silence killing you. But as soon as his next words came, you felt your blood run cold. "Dear girl, Kylo Ren is Ben Solo. He is General Organa's son."

Even if you weren't already frozen, you would have been. All of the air in your lungs seemed to drain from your body, leaving you instantly lightheaded. Your heart seemed to stop beating, your limbs going numb. A terrible ringing sound entered your ears, overtaking your mind and body. Snoke's words swirled through your brain, refusing to process. Kylo. Ben. Ben Solo. Leia. Leia's son. The words didn't fit together. They didn't make sense. A feeling of betrayal rushed through you, fulling you with a new feeling of rage that you didn't know you could possess. It overtook you, casting a dark shadow over your heart. Blackened blood threaded with anger creeped through your veins, corroding your soul. You weren't sure how long you stood there, your face frozen in disbelief, all the color drained from your skin. But you were ripped from your state of shock as suddenly, Snoke released you, dropping your body to the floor. You fell onto your back, slamming against the ground with a smack and sliding down the tilted floor towards Kylo. He glanced up at you as you rolled over onto your stomach, pushing yourself off the floor. You hadn't even felt the pain of the impact, your mind too consumed with anger and confusion to let any other sensations in. Your eyes fell on him immediately, bulging with rage. As you scrambled to your feet, you stood frozen in front of him, finding his hidden eyes through his mask. 

"You-" You seethed, your words coming slowly, "You coward." Kylo's fists clenched once more as he took in a deep breath, but stayed silent. You wanted so badly to run up to him and rip the mask off his head, to yell at him with every curse word in your vocabulary, to make him feel just as much pain as you did. "How could you?" You cried, feeling the tears finally escape from your eyes, pouring down your cheeks like a waterfall, "You had a family that loved you--that only wanted the best for you. And you betrayed them." You flashed back to every time you'd cried over not having a family to call your own. Every time you'd felt hopeless and abandoned and alone. He'd had the thing you'd envied for so long, the thing you'd searched for in every new person you met. And he'd given it all up. 

"Yes," Snoke whispered from behind you, "Let your anger guide you. What do you want to do, my child?"

"I want him to suffer," You choked, glaring daggers at Kylo, your mind filled with furious thoughts. You knew he was listening to you. You hoped he heard every last thing you had to say. "I want him to feel every bit of pain that I feel."

"Good, good..." Snoke continued, his voice rumbling, "Do you remember what I showed you? In your dream?" You tore your teary eyes away from Kylo, whipping around to face him. 

"I--you--That was real?" You breathed, feeling dizzy. The memory of the feeling of power you'd gotten, sitting on that throne, danced through you mind. Snoke smiled. 

"Of course," He cooed, motioning towards the throne with a flick of his wrist, "I wanted to show you what it felt like--to be all powerful." You shook as he spoke, feeling a part of your heart lurch towards the thought of it. Power. You'd felt so weak for so long. The idea of having control--any control at all--made your skin buzz. "Come here," Snoke muttered, "That power you felt--I can give it to you." His words spun in your head. You knew it was wrong. You knew it. But it almost felt like you had no authority over your body as you stepped towards Snoke, your eyes wide with hunger. Behind you, you heard Kylo shift, taking a step towards you. You spun back around, your face painted with rage. 

"Don't-" You spat, heaving. 

You do not understand what he is offering to you, Kylo whispered through your mind, don't do this.

Don't do this? You hissed back, teeth bared as you stared at him in silence. How dare you. No, Kylo, it's you who doesn't understand, You whispered, your eyes gleaming with a newly spawned darkness. You did this to me. You made me this way. He stood, silent, watching you. His chest rose and fell in a quickened rhythm, his shoulders tensed. You were about to turn back around to face Snoke, but suddenly your head began to buzz, Kylo's words in your mind growing louder. Please, he whispered, please don't do this. You closed your eyes, feeling your heart pull towards him unwillingly. No matter how angry you were, you couldn't deny how you felt about him. You clenched your jaw, trying to appear unaffected. Please, his voice came again, I can get you out of this. How? you shot back, your eyes still thinned into slits. 

"Supreme Leader," Kylo started, walking past you and stopping in front of Snoke's throne, "She could be put to much better use than this."

"Really." Snoke said, raising his eyebrow. It was more sarcastic than it was a real question, but still, he waited for Kylo's response. 

"Yes," He continued, "She could act as a spy in the Resistance. Find out more information about their attack strategy. Make it impossible for them to win. You already know that she has connections." You stayed silent, afraid to speak. Snoke considered his statement, peering down at you. He leaned back in his throne, flopping bony hands down on the arm rests. 

"Hm," Snoke huffed, his eyes flicking between the two of you. "They will surely question how she was able to escape."

"We have time to figure out the details," Kylo pressed on, "But I believe it could be greatly successful." Snoke watched him with thinned eyes. You weren't sure if he was buying it or not, but he stayed silent for a few moments, thinking it over.

"Very well," He said suddenly, shifting forward, "I expect you to have a fully thought out plan of action by tomorrow, Ren." Your heart leaped in your chest, a smile threatening to creep over your lips. "And you," Snoke shifted his gaze to meet yours, "We have much more to discuss." You shivered, feeling the new spark of darkness in you flare at his words. Kylo nodded, bowing once more before he turned and walked back towards the elevator. But as he went, his voice entered your mind again. I'll see you tonight, he whispered, your heartbeat racing. Don't think I've forgiven you, you shot back. He didn't respond, and you frowned as you heard the sound of the elevator door closing behind you with a quiet hiss. 

"Take her away," Snoke murmured with a flick of his wrist, his gaze tearing off of you. The trooper's hands returned to your arms, pulling you away from the throne and leading you towards the door. 

"But--sir," Hux protested, stepping forwards. You turned your head over your shoulder, watching him stomp in front of Snoke. His face was bright red. "She killed a trooper! She must be punished! She does not deserve to live-"

"Do not question my decisions, General." Snoke cut him off with a glare, "Or you will be the one to be punished." Hux's lips flattened into a straight line, biting his tongue. He was fuming as he stepped back into position, his fists clenched tightly. He scowled at you with a fiery rage behind his eyes, his jaw tensed. You stared back at him mockingly, a tiny smirk on your lips as you stepped into the elevator, the door sliding shut in front of you.


	17. A Welcomed Invasion

You laid wide awake in your cell, listening for any sound. You rolled over onto your side on the hard cot, groaning as the rock of a mattress left your back sore and aching. Your watch flashed up at you. 3:30 AM. You sighed. Where was he? You'd been a mess of emotions ever since you'd been returned to your cell. Snoke's words rung in your ears, but you still weren't exactly sure how to process them. Your initial reaction of anger had faded a bit, but it was still definitely there. You felt sick to your stomach as you thought about Leia, loosing her only child to the First Order. He wasn't dead, you knew that now, but he might as well have been. He wasn't the same. Her Ben was long gone. At least thats what he'd told you. You weren't sure if you believed him. You flashed back to those moments where he'd shown you genuine compassion. When he'd held you against him in the shower, supporting your weak body under the stream of the water. And when he'd hugged you against him the night before, laying your head on his chest as his strong heartbeat sounded in your ears. In those moments, you'd seen the human in him. He wasn't Kylo Ren. He was just a man, holding you tight in his arms. You needed to talk to him. Really talk to him. You weren't going to let him silence you, or run away. Either he would answer your questions, or you would go back to Snoke. You felt like you had a little bit of leverage as you rolled over again, pulling the thin raggedy blanket around you. 

Stomp, stomp, stomp. Heavy footsteps sounded down the hallway, and you shot up, frantically smoothing your tangled hair. The footsteps slowed as they reached your door, the lock clicking open. It swung open, Kylo's figure storming into the room, slamming the door shut. His mask concealed his face, but his shoulders were tight. He walked over to you, stopping as he loomed over your head. You sat in awkward silence for what seemed like forever, his hidden eyes scanning your figure. Finally, you couldn't stand it anymore.

"So," You said coldly, "Ben." Kylo shot forward with a growl, his gloved hands pinning you down against the mattress. You squeaked, terror in your eyes as he trapped you underneath him, his chest heaving. 

"Don't." He seethed, his modulated voice spilling out of his helmet. 

"Why not?" A flame of bravery burned in you, spurring you on. "That's your name."

"It's not." His words were threaded with an icy, rage filled tone. But for some reason, you didn't stop.

"It is, and you're going to tell me everything I want to know," You hissed, staring at him through thin eyes, "Or I'm going back to Snoke." An aggravated huff came from his mouth, and he considered you for a moment, his body hovering of yours. Finally, he pulled back, standing up straight. You rolled your eyes, sitting up again and sighing. 

"Good." You said, looking at him annoyedly, motioning towards the side of your cot. When he didn't move, you flicked your hand towards it. "Sit." You ordered, your lips in a thin line. He paused, but finally moved to the edge of the mattress, sitting down. 

"I want to see you face," You added, your face stern. He whipped his head towards you. You could tell he was aggravated, his fists clenched again and his shoulders tight. But you didn't give in, continuing to stare at him with wide eyes until he finally reached up to the back of his helmet, a hissing sound coming as it unlocked. With a loud huff, he pulled it forward over his head, his dark mop of hair springing free. He looked down at the ground, his lips pulled into a frown. 

"You do not get to order me to do things." He whispered.

"No," you responded, glaring, "Right now, I do." He exhaled sharply through his nose. You continued.

"Why didn't you tell me?" You pressed, your eyes softening. His name ran through your mind. Ben. It was hard to connect the man sitting in front of you with who he really was. Or at least who he used to be. 

"Because it was irrelevant." He breathed, refusing to look at you.

"It's not irrelevant," You hissed, "Why--how did you do it?"

"Do what?" He snapped, turning towards you with fiery eyes.

"Betray your family! The Resistance! Everything!" You cried, gesturing wildly. "Your parents loved you."

"You don't know anything," He responded through clenched teeth, "They didn't. They sent me away."

"Sent you away?" You furrowed your brows.

"They sensed the darkness in me," Kylo whispered, looking past you. He seemed to be lost in his own thoughts now, his eyes drifting away from yours. "And they were scared of it. So they tried to snuff it out. They sent me to be trained. As a jedi." You stayed silent, watching him with wide eyes. "but Luke..." His face hardened, lip twitching slightly, "He didn't trust me. He knew that Snoke was in my head, and he-" Kylo stopped.

"He what?" You questioned after a few moments of silence. Kylo turned back to you slowly, his eyes like ice.

"He tried to murder me." He whispered, his voice quivering with rage. "My own uncle." You stared at him, not knowing what to say.

"Kylo I-" You reached forward without thinking, instinctively putting your hand on top of his. Instantly, he recoiled, his face twisted in rage. You frowned, leaning away. 

"I'm sorry," You mumbled, looking down, embarrassed. "I didn't know about that."

"Of course you didn't." He replied coldly, "and that's why you will never understand."

"But I do understand" You snapped back, shifting towards him again, "I know what it feels like to be abandoned. I never knew my parents." You paused, searching for emotion in his eyes. You took a deep breath, continuing. "Regardless of what happened, I know that your mother loved you. She still does. The way she would talk about you--it was like you were the best thing that ever happened to her." Kylo sat motionless at the edge of the cot, but you saw his irises flicker with something other than rage. 

"You saw the memory," You pressed on, scooting closer slowly. "Of when she told me about you." He nodded slowly. "It made you angry." You remembered him back in the interrogation chamber, slicing ferociously into the wall with his saber, melted metal curling away from the red blade. 

"Yes." Was all he said in response, his shoulders still tensed. 

"I have more." You whispered, trying to soften your expression. "Memories. I can show them to you." He flicked his gaze towards you, a storm raging behind his pupils. His lips parted slightly, but then closed again. You wished you knew what he was thinking as he stared at you in silence, a mix of emotions across his face. Finally though, he nodded. His compliance took you by surprise, and you tried not to look too shocked as you slid closer to him. You closed your eyes as he raised a gloved hand to the side of your head, feeling the pressure of his invasion press against your brain. But this time, it wasn't painful. You were still in control, bringing forward the memories you wanted him to see. One started to play behind your eyes, as if it was a recording. 

You were with Leia in her tent, sorting through old boxes. You'd looked over at her, seeing that she'd paused as she opened one, her eyes foggy. 

"General?" You'd questioned, stepping towards her.

"Oh, yes, sorry," She chuckled, blinking away whatever tears were brimming in her waterline. "Look at this." She handed you a stack of pictures, a little boy's face meeting your gaze. He was smiling from ear to ear, his dark, shaggy hair falling into his raven eyes. A larger man sat with him, his arms wrapped around the boy's body in a tight embrace. They were sitting in a small silver room, a control panel behind them. 

"That's Han," Leia had said, pointing at the man and smiling weakly. Han. you knew who he was, but you'd never seen his face. "And that," Leia's face broke out in a wide smile, her eyes beaming, "that's Ben." You'd looked closer at the boy. You could see parts of Leia in him. He had her smile, and her dimples. You grinned at the picture, running you finger along the edge.

"He was adorable," You whispered, admiring the photo.

"You should have seen him as a teenager," She laughed, taking the stack of photos back from you, "You would have liked him." She fanned the stack out, finding another picture buried in the pile. She handed it to you, her fingers lingering as you took it from her. An older boy met your gaze, around the age of 16. He had the same dark hair, framing his thin, freckled face. He was tall, clothed in a brown leather jacket and black pants. He was cute, you had to admit. His lips were pulled into a slight smirk, his dimples standing out against his cheeks. Embarrassingly, you blushed, feeling your face grow hot. You turned away from Leia quickly, trying to hide it. 

"I'm sure I would have loved him," You'd chuckled, handing her the photo and going back to grabbing another box and sorting through its contents. As the memory faded away, you felt the tightness in your mind lessen, opening your eyes slowly as reality sunk back in. You shook your head, clearing the fog from your brain. When you finally came all the way back, you glanced over at Kylo, not knowing exactly what to expect. But when you met his gaze, your breath evaporated from your lungs. 

He was staring at you with a look that you didn't recognize. It wasn't angry. It wasn't sad. You had no idea what to make of it. His eyes were drowning in a mixture of emotions--none of which you could identify. He was breathing heavily, his hands shaking slightly. You opened your mouth to say something, but just as you did, Kylo shot forward, grabbing your face in his hands and slamming your lips against his. 

You yelped surprisedly against him, but your voice was drowned out against his mouth, smothering you. He leaned you back, one of his hands moving to the small of your back and guiding you down to lay against the mattress. His body pressed up against you, almost making you lightheaded as you struggled to suck in air between kisses. His tongue slipped into your mouth, swirling around yours hungrily. You kissed him back, melting against his figure and grasping at his robes. He responded, pulling away and ripping off his belt. He threw it to the floor, moving to the layers over his chest. A few moments later, his bare skin was revealed as he loomed over you on his knees, staring down at your body, drenched in hunger. You bit your lip as he shifted on top of you, moving his hands slowly up your thighs, tracing a line up your stomach and stopping at your sternum. You hummed as he started to unbutton your shirt, never once breaking eye contact. It was electric, the way he was looking at you. It was the same way a man who'd been starved near to death would look at his first meal. You felt as though you couldn't breathe as he finally finished with the buttons, sliding your shirt down your arms. He tossed it to the ground, moving his hands back to your chest and slipping your bra straps off your shoulders. In a smooth movement, he slid one hand under your back, unhooking the clasp without struggle. The fabric fell from your body, exposing your bare breasts to the cold air. His eyes flashed with lust, his lip twitching slightly as he slid his hands over your waist, tracing up until he reached your tits. He squeezed at them suddenly, sending a tingling sensation through your skin. You moaned, arching your back and thrusting your hips towards him. He smirked, those same dimples from your memory carved into his cheeks. 

Now that you really thought about it, you weren't sure how you hadn't connected the dots before about who he was. He looked exactly the same from when you'd seen those pictures, just older. You guessed that you just hadn't really thought about it. You still couldn't really bring yourself to believe that he was Ben Solo. Leia's son. The reality of it just refused to sink in. You couldn't imagine him as the boy in those pictures, smiling at his mom without a care in the world. He was just a regular person back then. He didn't know Snoke. He didn't know the First Order. He was harmless. He was human. 

You barely even realized that he'd returned his lips to yours as you laid, lost in your thoughts, eyebrows furrowed. But he bucked against you suddenly, shaking the cot violently, and you snapped out of it. With a grunt, you pulled away from him, pushing your palms against his bare chest. He looked at you confusedly, his hair hanging down into his eyes from above you. You sighed, shifting from under him and sitting up, pulling the blanket over your bare breasts. He sat back on his calves, staring at you. 

"I'm sorry," You breathed, brushing your hair from your face, "I'm just--I'm having trouble."

"With what?" He asked, almost sounding aggravated.

"With you," You gulped, "With who you are." His jaw tensed, and he looked away from you. You couldn't read his expression, but he definitely wasn't happy. 

"I am not-" he paused, exhaling sharply through his nose, "I am not Ben Solo anymore." The sound of the name on his lips made you shiver. "It would be helpful for you to forget about it."

"But I can't," You whispered, sliding closer. His eyes flicked towards you as he bit his lip frustratedly. "I can't forget." His broad shoulders slumped forward as he reached up and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. 

"You'll have to." He said coldly, turning back to you. "If that's going to be a problem, then I should leave."

"No-" You said quickly, throwing yourself towards him. Your hand landed on his chest, the sensation of his bare skin against yours making your nerves tingle excitedly. He looked down at your small palm pressed against him, glancing up at you with half-lidded eyes. You stared back at him, a weak smile on your lips. "I want you to stay," You breathed, tracing your fingers along his collarbone and up to his chin. You cupped his face in your hand, half-waiting for him to pull away--to reject you. But he didn't. Instead, he just sat in silence, watching your every movement. The quiet was deafening, the only sound now the beating of your heart. You gulped, not knowing what to say. It was true, you were struggling to connect Kylo to Ben. It was weird, knowing who he was now. You imaged what could have been if he'd never fallen to the dark side. What if he'd stayed in the Resistance. Maybe you two would have met there. Maybe you would have fallen in love, without the constraints of the First Order holding you back. But deep down you knew that it didn't matter what his name was. Whoever was sitting in front of you was someone you cared about. More than you'd ever meant to. 

But you quickly realized that you didn't need to say anything at all. He was listening to your thoughts, his eyes flicking over your face as you smiled hopefully at him. Your heart almost exploded as his lips curled into a faint smile, his eyes softening. You let out a relieved sigh, shifting towards him and sliding next to his body. You glanced nervously at his expression as you laid your head gingerly against his shoulder, praying that he wouldn't pull away. He didn't, instead yanking you towards him, your body pressed tightly against his. You sighed again as you listened to his heartbeat, closing your eyes. 

"So what are you telling Snoke tomorrow?" You asked, your eyes still shut.

"Shhh," Kylo hushed you, his hand on the small of your back, "I don't want to discuss that now." You frowned, but let it go. You didn't want to ruin this moment. You lifted your head off his shoulder, glancing at him quickly before pressing your lips against his, running your hands into his hair and grasping the back of his neck. He groaned quietly, leaning you back onto the mattress again. He moved from your lips, sucking red and purple welts along your neck. You hummed underneath him as he kissed down to your tits, his lips tracing around one of your nipples. You moaned as he sucked it into his mouth, his tongue twirling over it and sending fireworks through your nerves. 

"Fuck," you breathed, your head rolling back. He moved down your chest, drawing a line down your stomach with his tongue. He reached the hem of your pants, not skipping a beat as he grabbed forcefully at the fabric and ripped it down your legs. You helped, kicking them off your feet and onto the ground. You were fully naked under him, seeking friction of any kind. You could see his bulge through his robes, and you grasped greedily at his pants. He smirked, quickly pulling them off his legs. His cock sprung free, hanging between your spread legs as he hovered over you. He fisted it with his giant hands, jerking himself as he watched you with ravenous eyes. 

"Shit," You breathed, watching it with wide eyes as you clit throbbed demandingly. 

"What do you want?" He whispered, a choked moan escaping his lips. 

"I want you," You gulped, your cunt aching as you stared at him. He nodded, jerking himself harder, his jaw clenching tightly, his eyes rolling back. 

"Lie back," He ordered, freeing one hand to push you down into the mattress. You complied, your head hitting a little to hard against the rock-hard surface. You grimaced, but ignored the pain as Kylo shifted on top of you, spreading your legs father open. With one strong, almost painful thrust, he split you open, his dick sinking into you. 

"Fuck! Kylo--" You screamed, wrapping your limbs around him and digging your nails into his bare skin. You drew dark red lines along his back and arms as he pushed deeper into you, your walls clenching tightly around him. Pleasure exploded inside you like a broken dam, spilling into every inch of your body. Your skin tingled, your nerves dancing as he ran his hands along your waist, his fists squeezing your breasts. 

"Yes," You breathed into his hair, which was falling into your face, "Yes--ugh--" Your voice spurred him on, and he thrust harder into you, picking up a steady rhythm. You moaned as he brought his lips back to yours, taking ragged breaths in between kisses. He groaned against your mouth, his hands tightening around your tits. You could tell he was close, his breath getting shallow and his pace slowing slightly as his thrusts became sloppier. You were too, pressure building up in a tight ball in your stomach. You groaned, pulling at his hair as your head rolled back, your eyes disappearing behind closed lids. Suddenly, he raised his body up as he continued to sink into you, his eyes scanning your face. His lips were parted, heaving breaths escaping them. He shot one of his hands forward, grabbing your scalp and forcing your head back into the mattress. His other hand closed around your throat, but not too tight. You could still breathe, the only effect of his grasp a stronger throbbing of your clit. You moaned, bucking towards him, which only made him squeeze tighter.

"You'll cum when I tell you to." He ordered, his eyes locked on you. You nodded to the best of your ability, his hand still wrapped around you throat. With that, he pushed even deeper into you, your moan getting cut off by his grip silencing you. He leaned down and buried his head in the crook of your neck, sucking and biting at your skin. His lips trailed back to yours, kissing feverishly at your mouth and chin. 

"Three," He breathed into your ear, thrusting violently. You screamed.

"Two," you could feel yourself about to explode, not able to hold it in any longer.

"One." He whispered against you, catching your mouth in a deep kiss as you finally let go, your orgasm sending shivers through your limbs. Your clit throbbed, your walls clamping around his dick as you rode him through your climax, the waves of pleasure coursing through your body. You listened through closed eyes as he did the same, his cum spilling into you. He continued to sink into your cunt as his orgasm died down, choked moans catching in his throat. The hot, humid air between your bodies made beads of sweat slide down your skin, slicked through your hair. You took a deep, needy breath as he finally raised his body off of yours, his hand leaving your throat. He heaved over you, his fingertips tracing along your sternum and finally leaving your body as they grazed over your tits one last time. He pulled out, sliding away from you and hanging his legs over the side of the cot. You watched him with tired eyes, still trying to catch your breath. He just sat there for a while, staring blankly at the plain wall. You furrowed your brows, but shrugged and turned over onto your side, pulling the thin blanket over your naked body. You closed your eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. You started to drift off, your body still buzzing with warmth from Kylo's touch.

But just as you were almost asleep, your mind fading away, you felt a movement behind you. You froze, eyes open wide in shock as Kylo slid onto the cot next to you, his chest pressing up against your back and his legs weaving between yours. Your heart raced as he lowered his arm over your side, pulling you towards him. You body fit against his like a puzzle, perfectly sinking into the curves of his figure. Your mind couldn't process what was happening as he nuzzled into you, his head fitting into the crook of your shoulder. His breath tickled the side of your chin as he exhaled through his nose, your skin tingling with excitement and surprise. 

"Kylo-" You whispered, your body stiff and frozen. 

"Shhh," he quieted you, wrapping his arm tighter around your waist. You smiled in disbelief, feeling genuine happiness creep into your heart for the first time in a while. You melted into him, hearing his heartbeat slowly start to thump in sink with yours. You closed your eyes again, a wide smile still painted across your lips. Kylo's warmth engulfed you as you drifted off to sleep, your conscience somehow forgetting about all of your other problems. He was all you needed. As long as you had him, you were happy. Really, truly happy, and you couldn't believe that that was how you felt. You just couldn't help it anymore. 

But the happy feeling brought a terrifying thought to your mind, one that you shielded from Kylo's listening at all costs. It terrified you more than any threat of death. It made you want to sink into a deep sleep and never wake up. You hated to even entertain it, but the cursed words slipped into your brain anyway, making you shiver. 

Did you love Kylo Ren?


	18. Breakdown

By the time you woke up, Kylo was already gone. You frowned--your heart dropping a little--at the empty space next you. For some reason, you'd kind of expected him to stay. You weren't sure why. Your naked body shivered under the thin blanket, the absence of his warm body pressed against your making you feel empty. You slipped out from under it and searched for your clothes scattered around the floor. You smirked, remembering Kylo as he ripped them off of you, a ravenous hunger in his eyes. Your watch caught your eye, glowing on the ground. You didn't remember taking it off, but you picked it up and glanced at the time. Noon. You shrugged. You'd finally gotten some good sleep. 

You turned, your eyes scanning the floor. But your gaze fell on something new, surprise rushing through you. Kylo's mask sat on the ground next to your bed, its lifeless face staring up at you. You glanced around confusedly. Why had he left it? You shuffled towards it, somehow still intimidated by it even without his face underneath. You felt like it was watching you with its dark holes of eyes, and you almost winced as you reached forward, picking it up gingerly in your fingertips. It was heavier than you though it would be, and your arms drooped as you hauled it onto the cot. It landed with a muffled smack on the mattress and you backed away, staring at it suspiciously. Had he meant to leave it? It didn't seem like him to go around without it on. You hated to look at it. It almost gave you a sick feeling. But you just couldn't help yourself as you scooted towards it, running your fingers over its exterior. You traced along the metal lines around the eyes, running your pointer finger along the seams in the black obsidian. You almost got an adrenaline rush as you picked it up, holding it out in front of you. A strange idea came to your mind. What if you put it on? Just to see what it felt like to wear it. Maybe you'd understand him then. You shrugged, glancing towards the door. You were alone. No one would know. 

Slowly, you raised it above your head, taking a deep breath before lowering it over your hair and masking your face in the black helmet. Darkness surrounded you as it fit into place, your pupils widening to adjust to the lack of light. You couldn't see for a moment, but when you finally could, you exhaled the breath you'd been holding in. It pressed tightly against the sides of your scull, giving you an instant headache. Maybe that was why he was in such a bad mood all the time, you laughed to yourself. But as you laughed, your voice spilled out in a robotic tone, making you jump in surprise. You'd forgotten it did that. 

"Hellooo," you said to yourself, listening to your new voice echo through the room. You laughed, standing up from the bed and pacing around the room. "I'm Kylo Ren," You continued in your best Kylo-like voice, marching in a circle with your spine straight and your shoulders back. "I act really mean and tough but really I have a soft spot and my real name's Ben So--"

You were cut off as the door slammed open, hitting the wall with a loud smack. You jumped with a yelp, your masked face turning towards the noise, terror catching your words in your throat. Kylo stood in the doorway, seething. You were frozen in the middle of the room, mid-step, your mouth hanging open inside the mask. Kylo's eyes scanned over you, his lip twisted into a snarl.

"Hi," You stuttered, your synthetic voice making his eye twitch. 

"What are you doing?" He asked, his voice trembling with fury. Was the really this mad over a mask?

"I--um, you left this here." You gestured stupidly at the helmet on your head, embarrassment washing over you. 

"I did." He replied, storming into the room and shutting the door behind him, "I didn't know you would be so immature about it." You scoffed, grasping at the back of the helmet and pulling it forward over your head. Your hair sprung free, falling in tangles over your face. You tossed the mask back onto the cot, frowning and crossing your arms. 

"Sorry," You said sarcastically, rolling your eyes. You sat down on the cot next to it, looking up at him. He'd started to pace around the room, his boots slamming against the floor. His eyebrows furrowed and his fists clenched, he looked at the ground, muttering inaudibly. You sat in awkward silence, not knowing what you were supposed to say. 

"So," You said quietly, "What happened?" Kylo whipped his face towards you, his eyes burning with rage. 

"He approved my plan." He hissed in a whisper, his teeth bared at you. You frowned, confused. 

"That's good, isn't it?" You tried hesitantly, bracing yourself for the possibility of his explosion. 

"No," He snapped, closing his eyes frustratedly, "It's not." You stared at him, your head tilted. 

"I'm sorry I don't understand what the problem is." You sighed. 

"The problem," He growled, turning to glare at you, "is that Snoke doesn't think the Resistance will believe that you were able to escape alone." He paused, looking at the ground. "He wants me to go with you." Your initial reaction was to laugh. There was no way. But your amusement was met with an angry glare from Kylo, and with dread you quickly realized that he was in fact serious. You froze, your mouth hanging open in shock. 

"Wha-" You started, "No, no way. How would that ever work?"

"He wants me to pretend," He whispered, his voice trembling with a mixture of anger and pain, "To have come back to the light. To be," he paused, "To be Ben again." Your heart dropped out of your chest, horror and guilt creeping through your limbs. 

"No," You breathed, "You can't."

"I don't want to." He said. His eyes were foggy, his shoulders slumped. 

"No one will fall for that." You protested, standing up and stepping hesitantly towards him. "Leia will know." At the mention of her name, Kylo whipped his head towards you, taking two quick strides in your direction. You yelped as he approached you, his hand wrapping around your thin wrist and jerking you towards him. 

"Do you think I don't know that?" He hissed, his teeth bared menacingly. You squinted, trying to look away from him. But he jerked you again, his other hand grabbing harshly at your jaw, forcing your face towards his gaze. His gloved fingertips sunk into your skin, puffy red marks being left behind. You groaned against him as he glared at you with crazed, animalistic eyes. 

"Please-" You begged, wincing from the pain. His gaze flicked over you, and with a low growl, he released you, throwing your body to the ground with a smack. You laid there, your lip trembling as you ran your fingertips over your jaw, throbbing with aching pain. You wrapped your arms around your legs and pulled your knees to your chest, rocking back and forth on the ground as you felt hot tears appear in the corners of your eyes. Your head was spinning. The thought of seeing Leia again made you happy. But the situation made you sick. You would have to go back and betray the people you loved even more than you already had. You would have to look them in the eyes and lie, with a fake smile on your face. You would have to say that everything was okay--that you were finally safe again. And what was worse, you would have to act like Kylo was Ben again. That you'd helped to save him. The thought made you nauseated. You imagined Leia seeing him again, hope in her heart for the first time in years. But then she'd realize. She would see that he'd changed. She would know, no matter how well he pretended to be back, that he wasn't Ben again. She wouldn't recognize him--who he was. It would break her, and you couldn't bear it. You sobbed on the ground, closing your puffy eyes. 

Above you, you heard Kylo stomping around your body, his breath coming in ragged gasps. He stopped, a sound of leather against leather, a click of metal, and then the vibration of his saber igniting with a loud roar, the blade sparking to life. As you heard it, your eyes shot open in terror and you sat up, backing against the wall opposite to him. But he wasn't watching you. It almost seemed as though he'd forgotten you were there at all. His eyes were focused on the wall, as if he was seeing a a vision in front of him. His lip curled into a filthy snarl, and he charged towards it, his saber raised above his head. With a deep, growling scream, he sunk it into the metal, the smell of burnt alloy filling the room. You watched with wide, horrified eyes as he slashed at the surface, his arm flying ferociously in a violent rhythm. He went on for what seemed like hours, shredding his vocal cords with horrible cries. His cape flared around him as he ravaged the wall, as if it was his oldest enemy finally being defeated. By the time he finally stopped, his shoulders rising and falling dramatically as he took in shaky breaths, you were quivering against the wall, your limbs refusing to move. After a moment of terrible silence, he whipped towards you, his fiery eyes scanning your convulsing body. He said nothing, his face twisted into a pained expression. You stared back at him, your mouth parted but staying silent. 

You expected for him to charge towards you. Maybe he'd grab you by the throat and raise you off the ground. Maybe he'd pull your hair. Maybe he'd hit you with the helmet laying on the bed. All of that would have been bad, but what actually happened was possibly worse. He stood, his lip starting to shake slightly as he dropped the saber to the ground, the blade retracting back into the hilt. It died with a hissing sound, and you watched it roll away from his feet and land against the demolished wall. You glanced back up at him, his limbs now noticeably shivering. But not with anger. This was different. His eyes stared through you like you were a ghost, haunting him with your every breath. 

"Kylo-" You started, your voice coming out choked and strangled from the lump in your throat. But as soon as you spoke, a loud, horrible sob spilled from his lips, catching you off guard. You watched with shocked eyes as his tall body crumpled to the floor, resting on his knees. A flood of tears spilled like a tidal wave from his dark eyes, splattering on the ground in front of him as he leaned over as if he was about to vomit, his face contorted in agony. He choked violently, sobs bubbling up from his chest--as if they'd been trapped for years, begging to escape. And maybe they had. He cried out painfully, throwing his hands forward and resting on all fours. His body shook as he sobbed, his back rising and falling with his pained breaths that he sucked in between cries. You stood frozen in front of him--your mind going completely blank. You didn't know what to do. Comfort him? That's what you would normally do, but this was different. You couldn't imagine that he'd react well to being comforted. But still, you found yourself stepping towards him, your feet moving slowly across the floor. Standing over his body, you reached out with a tentative hand, wincing as you braced yourself for a negative reaction. Your fingertips grazed lightly over his back, tracing a line down his spine. You waited for him to lash out--to back away. But to your surprise, he didn't. He just kept rocking, heaving in struggled breaths. Feeling braver, you laid your whole hand on his shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as you tried to stay calm. You almost jumped back as he leaned into your leg, his hands wrapping around the backs of your thighs and pulling you towards him desperately. He didn't even look up at you before he grabbed at your waist, burying his head in your stomach. You could feel his hot breath against your thin shirt as he sobbed into you, his hair covering his face. You were stiff for a moment, surprise controlling you, before you bent over him, holding the back of his head against you and stroking his hair lovingly. You shushed him, his hands squeezing tighter around your waist as he cried harder, his body racked with uncontrollable sobs. 

"I can't do it," He sobbed, his voice groggy and laced with pain, "I can't." You shushed him again, running your fingertips through his tangled mop of black hair. He shifted against you, leaning all of his weight onto your body. As he let another terrible sob out you finally collapsed to the ground next to him, grabbing his face in your hands and laying his head against your shoulder. You wrapped your arms around his giant frame, holding him against you. His face fell onto your chest, his cheek resting against your breasts, and he cried into your shirt, his tears like little splatters of paint against a white canvas. You rocked him back and forth, running your hand comfortingly up and down his back and through his hair as he finally started to take in steady, calm breaths. He choked a little as his sobs came to an end, leaving his body trembling with the aftershocks. He was silent as he laid up against you, and you wondered if he was listening to your heartbeat the same way you'd listened to his before. You wondered if he was counting the rhythm. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

"Thank you." You froze, your hand getting caught in a strand of his hair. His voice cut through the silence like a sharp knife, momentarily paralyzing you as if you were dead. But you snapped out of it, shaking your head. His words took you by surprise, and you reached down and grabbed his face in your hands, holding him out in front of you. 

"What?" You stared into his raven eyes, taking in every emotion that was swimming in them. It was instantly overwhelming to meet them, and you felt as though you were sucked into his mind, feeling everything he felt. For some reason, tears pooled in your waterline. 

"Thank you." He said again, clearing his throat and flickering his gaze over your shocked face. Thank you. The words seemed so out of place. So foreign. So strange coming from his mouth. It was such a simple thing to say, but never from him. He'd never thanked you before. You almost couldn't process it. 

"Oh-" You stuttered, shaking your head in disbelief, "You're welcome--uh, of course."

"Thank you." He said again, in a whisper this time, his lips parted slightly. You glanced down at them, noticing how they still faintly trembled. He pulled them into a straight line, and your gaze flicked back to his eyes, red and puffy from his tears. 

"Of course." You murmured back, suddenly noticing the intense heat radiating off of his body. You shivered. His eyes were locked on yours, and you felt as though your thoughts and minds were completely in sync. You could see inside of him. For the first time, you knew what he was feeling. You could identify every emotion behind his irises, solid and clear. He was open--finally, finally letting you in. You took in a deep breath, leaning slowly towards him, sliding your hand onto his arm. His muscle tensed under your fingertips, but he didn't move. He just watched you as you slowly moved closer, your hand sliding onto his chest. You paused, just as your lips were about to touch, staring deeply into his dark eyes. "I care about you." You whispered, your noses grazing against one another, "And I don't want to. But I really, really do." As you spoke, something in his eyes flashed, but it was too quick for you to catch what it was. It was gone before you could really even see it, and he took in a deep, slow breath. 

"I know." He replied, glancing at your lips. His voice was soft and calm, his fingertips ghosting against your thigh--sending a shiver down your spine. You waited for him to say something else, but he stayed silent, his face just as blank as it always was. Frowning, you pulled back a little, your hand coming off of his chest. You sighed, turning away from him exasperatedly. 

"Is that all y-" You were cut off abruptly as he grabbed your wrist in his hand, yanking you back towards him and forcing your lips to his in a smothering, desperate kiss. You groaned in annoyance, almost pushing back against him. But you paused, noticing his hand lightly cupping your face, his other buried in your hair, tracing along the edge of your ear. His tongue pushed into your mouth as he moaned into you, his body hot and pressed up against yours. After a few moments he moved a hand down to the small of your back, leaning you against the floor gingerly and holding himself up above you on his arms. He broke the kiss for a moment, watching you with needy, hungry eyes. 

"You-" A small, almost unnoticeable smile came to his lips, pulling at the dimples in his cheeks. "You're perfect." Your breath caught in your throat as he leaned back into you, his lips on yours again. But you couldn't even concentrate on what he was doing. Your head was spinning over what he'd just said. Perfect. The word made your face burn red. Not scum. Not a secret. Perfect. Your heart was racing as he kissed down your neck and chest, his fingers tracing over your skin like it was fragile glass. A fire igniting between your legs, you moved your hands to the hem of the robes hiding his chest, yanking at them vigorously. 

"No," He breathed against you, his lips pulling away from yours, "Not now." You furrowed your brow, pushing him off of you and sliding back from his grasp. 

"What?" You peered at him confusedly. 

"We have to go."

"Wha--Go where?"

"Snoke. He wants to speak to you again. About the plan." You shook your head, trying to ignore the throbbing of your clit between your thighs. 

"Now?"

"Yes." Kylo sighed, pushing himself up off the ground and onto his feet. He loomed over you, and you peered up at him with wide eyes. "Come on." He stretched his arm towards you, his his palm waiting for yours to meet it. You took a deep breath, placing your hand in his and standing up next to him. As he let go of you, you noticed that his fingers lingered for a moment, urning for your touch. You did the same. 

You nodded towards him as he moved to the entrance, sliding his hand sideways as the door mimicked his movements. He led you out into the hallway, his boots slamming loudly against the stone floor. He made sure not to walk too fast, glancing sideways slightly to peer at you out of the corner of his eye. He kept you near him, just like he had when you'd walked to the command center. It felt like that had been such a long time ago now, but really it hadn't been. Time seemed to move faster on Starkiller. Thinking back to when you'd first arrived felt like years ago. You couldn't imagine yourself before all of this. You were a different person now. With a terrible realization, you weren't even sure if people back at the Resistance would recognize you. You certainly didn't recognize yourself. 

As you marched through the winding maze, you eventually came upon the same elevator you remembered. But it looked smaller this time. More claustrophobic. Maybe because you knew what it led to. It was almost better before, not knowing who you would meet at the other end. But you knew, and you would never forget. The image of Snoke's mangled figure burned in your memory like a bond fire, drowning all your thoughts with the vision of his hideous face. You winced at the thought of having to see it again as you and Kylo stepped into the elevator, the door sliding shut in front of you. 

"Just stay calm." Kylo said, staring at the white geometric lights scattering the wall. "I'll handle him." You nodded, gulping nervously as you lurched upwards, your stomach dropping sickeningly. 

"I am calm." You lied through gritted teeth as you shot up through Starkiller's core, dread creeping over you like a tidal wave. Nothing good would come from this. You were sure of it.


	19. The Insurance Policy

The elevator lurched into place, slowing its speed and coming to a complete stop. As it did, you felt as though your legs turned to stone, unwilling to move forward. Your whole body tensed as the door prepared to open, your heart beat slamming in your ears like a drum. Kylo glanced down at you, his hair falling into his eyes. 

"Let me do the talking." He said quietly, shifting closer to you. "You will be fine." You nodded, faking a small smile as you turned away from him, readying yourself for the sight that was about to meet your eyes. To your horror, the door hissed open, sliding sideways and revealing the room you so distinctly remembered. Again, the red walls instantly overwhelmed your senses as you stepped inside, forcing you to stare down at the floor as you crossed the threshold from the elevator. As you started to move into the giant space, you felt Kylo's presence close behind you. Very close behind you. To your amazement, you felt his hand rest at the small of your back as he walked up beside you, his eyes still focused on the center of the room. His palm rested lightly against your spine, and to anyone else it would have looked like he was leading you, like the troopers had before. But you knew that it was his way of letting you know that he was there, keeping you safe. Your heart leaped in your chest as you forced back a smile, your cheeks burning bright red. 

After a few moments, Kylo stopped abruptly, and you did the same, your face still pointed towards the ground. His hand left your back, leaving your skin cold, and he kneeled down in front of the throne, his hair flopping over his face and hiding his expression. You stayed frozen in place, terrified to move at all. You desperately didn't want to look up. You knew what was awaiting your gaze, and you winced as a feeling of nausea washed over you. But soon enough, Snoke's terrible, groggy voice filled your ears. 

"Look at me, my child." He instructed, his words dragging out like nails on a chalkboard, making you cringe with every syllable. You tightened your lips into a thin line and took in a sharp breath before finally raising your eye line to peer up at the tall, disfigured man before you, dressed in the same golden robes you remembered. He sat back in his throne in a relaxed position, his lanky arms draped over the sides. You could see his pale hands from under his sleeves, nasty grayish nails sticking out like little knives from his slender fingertips. His icy blue eyes instantly locked with yours, and you felt a cold shiver run through your body as a cruel smirk creeped over his lips. "So," He croaked, "We meet again." You nodded, although your neck felt as though it was locked in place like stone. "I told my apprentice that I needed to speak to you," He continued, his legs shifting under his robes, "To make sure that everything is sorted out."

"Supreme Leader I know she's ready." Kylo chimed in from beside you. He was standing again, and had moved right by your side without you even noticing. In your state of horror, you'd almost forgotten he was there. But now he was close enough that you could still feel the heat off of his body, and a small sense of comfort washed over you. "I informed her of your plan."

"Very good," Snoke nodded, his eyes narrowing, "But are you ready, Ren?" You glanced at Kylo out of the corner of your eye, desperate to watch his reaction. But he stayed still, looking almost completely unaffected except for a small twitch of his lip. 

"Yes," He said through gritted teeth, staring at the ground. "I'm am."

"Hm." Snoke huffed, shifting in his throne and sitting forward, leaning his torso towards the two of you. "I'm not sure that I'm entirely convinced." To your absolute horror, Snoke's body lurched upwards, his legs extending and lifting him out of the seat. He stood quickly to his true height, towering over even Kylo by several feet as his floor-length robe swayed around his legs. With long, slow strides, he made his way down the tilted floor, stopping at the base of the throne. He paused there for a moment, his gaze flicking between you and Kylo. He began to move closer again, shifting towards Kylo and stopping in front of him. With a grimace and a flick of his wrist, Kylo kneeled down again, bowing his head in obedience, his hands resting on his knee. Snoke towered above him, a look of distain on his crippled face. "Young Solo..." Snoke's voice trickled out of his mouth like flowing lava, "This will be the biggest test you've yet to face." Kylo's shoulders tensed as he spoke his last name, and you watched as his fists clenched tightly. His hair blocked his face, but you didn't need to see his expression. You already knew what he was thinking. "You must convince them that you've turned." Snoke continued, "That you've come back home." As he spoke the words he began to laugh, his whole body shaking as he chuckled. You glared at him, anger boiling in your blood. Your mind flashed to Leia, and the feeling of guilt returned, making your stomach drop to the floor. You wanted to kill Snoke--to make him suffer for what he was doing to her. To the Resistance. To you. To Kylo. You imagined him leaping up and driving his saber through Snoke's abdomen, the smell of burning flesh filling the room as he toppled to the ground with a satisfying smack. You were snapped out of your daydream as he spoke again. "Can you make them believe you?"

"Yes." Kylo mumbled, huffing out a sharp breath and glancing up at Snoke with thinned eyes. His tone brimmed with aggravation. "I've given everything I am to you. Why do you still doubt me?"

"Because you've grown weak," Snoke hissed, pointing a thin, sickly finger towards Kylo, who tensed his jaw and looked back at the ground. "You haven't given everything to me. Not yet. You still have sympathy for your mother..."He paused, his lip curling upwards, "And now, for the girl." Your heart stopped. With a terrifying turn of his head, Snoke's gaze fell on you again, his eyes tearing through you. "You've distracted him," Snoke seethed, his accusing finger pointing towards you, "Made him doubt his allegiances." You furrowed your brow, your mouth hanging open. 

"I-" You stuttered, struggling to speak, "I haven't-"

"You have." Snoke snarled, "He feels attached to you. He wants to protect you." His words spilled out in a mocking tone, but still, your heart leaped at them. You kept your composure, but inside you were filled with a new warmth that you could only describe as pure joy. He felt attached to you. He wanted to protect you. You had to fight yourself to prevent a smile from spreading across your lips, but your face burned bright red anyway. "I'm concerned that his feelings for you will get in the way of the mission. I can't have that." You shook your head and tried to speak, but nothing came to your lips.

"I will not be distracted," Kylo hissed from on his knee.

"I don't have confidence in you, Ren." Snoke mumbled, "In your ability to resist temptation. So, I've come up with a solution." You glanced at Kylo nervously and then back at Snoke, your heart racing. Snoke turned around, walking back to his throne and slumping down in the seat, his long arms flopping over the rests. You watched him with slitted eyes until a noise from behind you pulled your attention away. You whipped around, your fists clenched, to see Hux slinking out of the elevator, a small black box in his hands. He marched towards Snoke, his eyes on you as he walked past you, a smug smirk on his lips. You glared at him, your gaze following him as he made his way to Snoke's side, handing him the box and sliding back beside the throne. You turned your head to look at Kylo, desperate for his gaze. But he refused to look at you as he stood back up slowly, his hands behind his back and his jaw clenched tightly. You sighed, focusing back on the mysterious box in Snoke's grasp. It gleamed like a black pearl against the red walls, making your stomach do flips nervously as Snoke's fingertips traced over its surface, his nails scratching lines into the paint. The anticipation was killing you, and little beads of sweat appeared on your forehead. Snoke popped the lock on the front of the box open, slowly prying the lid away from the base. He smiled down at it as the top came away, his fingers tracing delicately over whatever was inside. You strained your neck to see it, but he had it tilted away from you, blocking your view.

"This," He chuckled, "is my insurance policy. To make sure that you do not fail me." Your heart skipped a beat as Snoke finally reached down into the box and picked up the contents, slowly pulling out a thin, silver necklace between his fingers. It gleamed in his hand, a small silver pendant dangling from the chain. You peered at it with a confused gaze. A necklace?

"That is not necessary." Kylo mumbled from beside you. What wasn't necessary? You had no idea what was going on.

"We will see." Snoke grumbled, twisting the string through his fingers. "She will wear it." Kylo exhaled frustratedly through his nose, his lip twitching again. You were watching him as Snoke turned to you again. "Come here, my child." Your stomach dropped as you nodded with a shiver, stepping towards Snoke hesitantly. As you continued towards him, your legs got heavier and heavier, your brain trying to tell your limbs to stop moving. All of your instincts told you to run, to get away as fast as you could. But you had no choice as Snoke drew closer to you, his lip still curled into a nasty smile. You walked up the sloped ground until you were standing directly in front of his seated figure, your heart pounding dangerously. "Good," Snoke cooed, holding the necklace out towards you. "Turn around." You winced, slowly turning your back to Snoke and facing towards the elevator. Your whole body was tensed, waiting with sheer terror for any movement behind you. You stared with desperate, pleading eyes at Kylo, tears brimming in your waterline as your breaths got short and panicked. He glanced up quickly, meeting your eyes for only a moment before looking back towards the ground. Your heart dropped through the floor as he looked away, suddenly feeling completely alone with Snoke looming behind you. You heart the shifting of Snoke's robes and your body went numb from fear. You almost fainted as his hands came over your head, pulling the two sides of the necklace together around your neck and snapping the clasp together. He released it as the pendant fell onto your chest, the chain cold against your skin. It was strangely heavy for such a small piece of silver, and you gingerly grabbed it between your fingertips. There was something strange about this necklace. You turned slowly back around to face Snoke, your eyes thinned into slits. 

"What is this?" You asked quietly. 

"It will watch you, to make sure that everything is going to plan. You didn't really think I would just let you leave without anything to supervise you, did you?" He chuckled, leaning towards you and reaching his hand towards the necklace. He grabbed the pendant between his fingers and pulled it towards him, taking you with it. You groaned as he forced you uncomfortably close to his face, his horrible breath blowing into your nose as he spoke through his yellow, crooked teeth. "Do not try anything," He whispered, "Or we will have to intervene. You don't want that, do you?" You cringed, shaking your head, as he stared directly into your eyes. You tried to pull back against him, but it was no use. The necklace felt as though it was unbreakable as you strained against it, digging a red line into your neck. Finally, he released you without any warning, and you tumbled backwards down the sloped floor, rolling to Kylo's feet. You groaned, sitting up and huffing loudly.

"Ren, prove to me that you can be trusted." Snoke's voice boomed, "Prove who you are loyal to." You glanced up at Kylo above you, who nodded solemnly, his eyes fluttering closed. 

"I will show you." He whispered, "I will not be seduced."

"Good." Snoke whispered, his voice echoing against the walls. "Now go." Kylo bowed his head again as you rushed to your feet, standing next to him. He turned away from Snoke, his eyes meeting yours quickly as he returned his hand to the small of your back, pushing you forcefully towards the elevator. You gulped, following his direction and almost running to keep up with his long strides to the exit. You crossed the threshold and made you way into the small, brightly lit chamber of the elevator, Kylo leading you inside and flicking his hand sideways--the door following his movements. It hissed closed slowly, finally hiding the two of you from Snoke's view. As soon as it did, you let out a loud, long sigh, dropping to your knees on the floor. 

"I feel like I'm about to pass out." You breathed, running your hands through your hair. But just as you spoke, Kylo's voice entered your head.

He can hear you, he said, everything you say from now on, he's listening. Your stomach dropped.

Are you serious? You hissed back through your mind, How are we supposed to speak?

Carefully, Kylo replied, eyeing you from beside you in the elevator. You sighed, standing back up and rubbing your eyes. You paused, your eyes clouded with confusion and stress. 

This is bullshit, you thought, fiddling with the pendant around your neck.

Yes, Kylo shot back, a small smirk on his lips. You let out a light laugh, looking at him with hopeful eyes. Your focus was ripped from him as the elevator began to move, shooting back down through Starkiller's core with incredible speed. You rang your hands together, suddenly noticing that your legs were shaking violently and your heart was still racing at a quickened pace. But as soon as you started to think about it, Kylo reached his hand toward you and rested it gingerly against your shoulder, attempting to comfort you. Your heart nearly exploded as he did, and a wide smile flashed over your lips, your cheeks blushing brightly. Your skin tingled under his touch, and the warm feeling returned to your body again, relaxing your shaking limbs. 

Thank you, you whispered through your mind as you glanced at him. He nodded, a tiny smile exposing the dimples in his cheeks. An urge to reach for his hand entered your mind. To hold his in yours. But you stopped yourself, not wanting to risk ruining the moment. But just as the thought crossed your mind, his eye twitched. You winced, praying he hadn't heard you. Instead, his expression softened more, his eyebrows relaxing. 

He was right, his voice whispered in your head, I want to protect you. And I will. 

I believe you, you replied. Your heart glowed as his words echoed through your mind, seeping into every crack and crevice in your brain. You never wanted to stop hearing them. As the elevator finally slowed to a stop, the door slid open again and you and Kylo walked out into the cold hallway, a squad of troopers rushing past you. They all glanced at the two of your briefly, but hurried away in a rush. You felt a strange rush of power wash through you as they scurried away, their heads pointed towards the ground. They were afraid--of Kylo, and maybe of you. You smirked. 

As the two of you walked back to your cell, your body felt as though it was on fire. But it was a good kind of burn--like lightning coursing through your veins and bringing back an energy you hadn't felt in a long time. It was exhilarating, and you urned to feel more of it. You weren't exactly sure why it was there. Maybe because Kylo Ren had just promised to protect you. And what was even better--you believed him with every bone in your body. There was no more denying that he felt something for you now--you both knew that. This had become something more. You weren't just a secret anymore. You weren't scum. You were his to protect, and you'd never felt safer. 

The door of your cell appeared in front of you, and you headed for it, pausing at the entrance. But Kylo kept moving down the hallway, glancing back at you as you halted. 

We're not stopping here, he said. You're coming back to my quarters. 

Oh, you replied, your heart leaping again. You couldn't hold back your wide smile as you scurried after him, catching up and sliding up close to his side as he marched along. He regarded you out of the corner of his eye, his lips tilted upward slightly. You walked for a while before you came up on the tall white door of his quarters, his hand flicking sideways as the door did the same. He moved down the corridor, his cape flaring behind him. You followed right behind his heels, the door slamming closed behind you. You made your way into his room, watching him move to his bed and flop down on the mattress, running his gloved hands through his hair with a frustrated sigh as he laid on his back.

So we can't talk? You spoke through your mind.

Not about anything that could seem suspicious, he replied. You frowned, trying to think of anything that didn't seem suspicious to talk about. You couldn't think of much. Then a horrible realization crossed your mind. 

Can we not touch? You whispered, your heart dropping. Kylo sat up, meeting your gaze and resting his hands on his knees. 

We can. I touched your shoulder just a moment ago. He responded. 

No, but I mean like...

Oh, he furrowed his brows, his lips straightening into a straight line. I suppose not. Not If he's listening.

You groaned, walking over to the bed and sitting down next to him. You sat in silence for a moment, staring at the floor. Finally, you glanced over at him, your breath leaving your lungs as you were immediately met with his focused gaze, his eyes locked on yours. 

Or we just can't make any sound. He whispered, his gaze drowning you in lust. Your mouth hung open, your mind going blank for a moment as your clit started to throb, the space between your legs heating up as his words echoed through your mind. 

We shouldn't. You responded, hating yourself as you formed the words. 

You want to. Kylo's words dripped like honey between the cracks and crevices in your brain, coating your mind in thick, hot lust. 

Yes. You whispered back, biting yourself to hold back a moan as Kylo's hand appeared on your thigh, squeezing at your skin. 

You can't be quiet. He stared at you as if he could see through your soul.

I can try. You replied, smirking at him. His gaze flicked down to your mouth, and you did the same, your heart skipping a beat as he brought his lip between his teeth, biting lightly at it. Your skin was stinging almost, urning desperately for his touch as he watched you closely, his eyes following every movement of your body. His grip on you thigh tightened and he shifted closer, his face just inches from yours. He leaned froward slowly, his bottom lip ghosting against yours, but he held back, teasing you. You started to groan in protest, but as soon as you did, Kylo shot out his hand and clamped it over your mouth, his eyes thinned into slits. 

Oops. You smiled under his fingers, trying not to laugh. He was right, you couldn't be quiet.

So we can't then. He said, eyeing you annoyedly. You smirked as he pulled away, laying back on the bed again. You watched him for a moment, then flopped down next to him, turning your head to gaze at him. He stared up at the ceiling, his dark eyes half closed. Feeling confident, you reached your hand towards him slowly, running your fingertips down a strand of his hair. He flinched slightly, but didn't move away. You continued, tracing the outline of his ear down to his chin. His skin was soft and smooth, and you moved your finger up to his cheek, drawing lines between his beauty marks and tracing from the top of his nose down to its tip. You kept going, reaching his mouth and slowing your movements as your fingertips ran over his plush, soft lips. They were warm and wet against your touch, and you paused on them, admiring him. He watched you out of the corner of his eye, staying silent. As you stalled, getting lost in his beauty, he began to slowly kiss against your fingertips, making your cheeks glow. He moved his hand on top of yours, threading your fingers together and bringing your palms against one another. Your heart glowed with a new warmth, threatening to overtake your whole body. He led your hand to fall against his chest, his heartbeat pounding against you, his fingers still woven between yours. You watched him in awe, feeling your heartbeats sync together as you listened to his and felt it vibrate through your hand. His eyes were locked on you, drowning you in his dark irises, his emotions melting and meshing with yours. You felt as though you could understand him. You knew him. And he knew you. In that moment, you and him were one. A feeling of calm washed over you, and you smiled at him, your eyes flashing happily. 

But as you did, the thought from the night before came back--before you could think to shut it out. It blasted to the front of your mind, overshadowing all of your other thoughts. The thought that you'd wanted to shut out forever. The one that made you feel sick. But it creeped in anyway, making your stomach churn painfully. 

Did you love him?

You knew the answer, no matter how much it pained you. 

Yes. You grimaced as it swirled through your mind, free for him to hear it. And to your absolute horror, he did. Immediately, his grip on your hand went dead. You slammed your eyes closed as his skin suddenly went cold against your touch, embarrassment washing over you. His fingers, which had been threaded through yours grew stiff like stone, and his hand quickly yanked away from you. You didn't even have to open your eyes to know how he was looking at you. You could feel his gaze, like a laser, on your skin. But you peeked anyway, your heart dropping to the floor as your gaze fell on him. He'd sat up, his lip twisted into a snarl and his eyes flashing with an emotion you didn't recognize. It was something between anger and pain, but you couldn't place it. His jaw was tensed and stiff, as was the rest of his body, and he looked at you as though you'd just tried to poison him. 

You what? He hissed through your mind, his voice cracking. You stared at him in silence, your stomach in your throat, unable to even think of a response. What could you say? You couldn't lie. 

I love you. You finally responded, your heart shattering before he even had the chance to respond. Because you knew what was coming. You knew. Tears rose in the corners of your eyes, spilling down your cheeks and dripping onto the bed. He stared at you, his face twisted with a million expressions at once. You began to feel nauseous, your stomach twisting in knots as he sat in painful silence, watching you sob. 

How can you love me? He seethed, his eyes wide and crazed. You don't know who I am.

I know enough. You cried, your lip trembling. You just have to let me in. Please. Stupidly, you reached towards him, your hand grazing against his arm. He pulled away as fast as humanly possible, his lip curled into a snarl as your heart dropped. 

You know nothing. He whispered, standing up from the bed and marching towards the door. 

"Stop!" You yelled, out loud for the first time in what seemed like forever. Your own voice sounded strange in your ears, and you slapped your hand over your mouth, grinding your teeth together. He whipped around, his eyes thinned into hateful slits. But he said nothing, turning back around and slamming his fist against the wall. The door opened in front of him and he stalked into the hallway, the door slamming closed behind him. You sat frozen on the bed, your mouth hanging open, wordless. For a moment, the emotions didn't hit you. They refused to register. But quickly, the tears in your eyes doubled, and you keeled over, folding into a ball on the mattress and pulling your knees to your chest. Heaving sobs racked through you, shaking you down to your bones. Your mind was a mess of thoughts and emotions, overwhelming your entire body in a terrible pain. It creeped through every part of you, engulfing you completely. You didn't care if Snoke was listening anymore as you cried, your voice echoing loudly through the nearly-empty room. 

Your heart felt as though it had been split down the middle, a searing ache spreading through your chest. Kylo didn't love you. And deep down, you'd known. But seeing his reaction made it real. Too real. Your mind felt as though it was mush, your thoughts all scrambling together in a mix of pain and suffering. But as you sobbed, your body going numb, two thoughts were distinct from all the others, standing out as if in bolded font. They haunted you, making you shiver until your body ached.

Kylo was gone. And he didn't love you.


	20. You Are Not A Monster

The ship was small. Unassuming. It sat in the back of the docking bay, hidden behind the much bigger TIE Fighters lining the ground. But you still marveled at it as you were led in its direction, Kylo's looming figure by your side. His dark mask hid his expression, but you observed as his shoulders tensed uncomfortably every time you stepped closer, making you wince. It was nothing new, though. 

It had been about a week since that terrible day in his quarters, and not a moment went by that you hadn't regretted it. The memory replayed in your head over and over again, refusing to relent.

I love you. 

The words felt like poison now as they sept through your mind, infecting all of your memories of the two of you. And you knew he hadn't forgotten either. You'd continued to stay in his quarters while you prepared for the trip, but he'd banished you to another room, providing you with a small bed and a bathroom. You'd spent most of your time holed up in the tiny, windowless space alone, thinking about what might have happened if you hadn't ruined things. A million what if's swirled through your head, making your heart ache desperately for some sort of resolve, but you were sure you wouldn't get any. 

He wouldn't speak to you like he used to. In fact, he barely spoke to you at all. His responses were even colder than they were before. Shorter. More dead. It was like he'd lost all interest in touching you too, like you were the most disgusting thing he'd ever laid his eyes on. It made you feel sick when you looked at him, his eyes passing over you like you were just another person in his way. That tiny bit of vulnerability he'd shown you was long gone now, a cold, hard wall in its place around his heart. 

And what was worse, all of your feelings were still as strong as they were before. But thinking about them now was almost too painful for you to bear. So you tried to shove them down inside--to force them out of your head. You wanted to pretend that you didn't care about him anymore, that it wasn't love, just lust. But you knew that you couldn't deny it for long. Because it was true, you did love him. You hated it, but you did. And you'd thought that maybe, just maybe, he loved you too. But obviously, that wasn't the case. 

You snapped out of our thoughts, moving quicker towards the ship, a small sack slung over your shoulder. You tried to distance yourself as much as possible from Kylo. Walking next to him now felt wrong. Before, you'd felt powerful by his side. Unstoppable. But things had changed. Now you knew that your place wasn't with him, walking as his equal. You were still a prisoner. A prisoner he didn't love. You sighed, reaching the base of the ship and stopping in front of it. You didn't dare look back at Kylo as he approached behind you, his tread slowing as he paused at the retracted metal ramp leading inside the vessel. With a flick of his hand, it made a loud screeching sound, hissing as white smoke poured from the sides. It lowered to the ground with a low, metallic moan, smacking against the stone floor and locking into place. You peered inside hesitantly, your eyes wide with curiosity. But all you saw was a long white hallway, a small black door at the very end. 

Kylo didn't wait for you as he marched inside, his cape flaring wildly behind him. You paused, making sure to keep your distance as you slowly followed behind him, tip toeing your way up the ramp and crossing the threshold into the ship. As soon as you stepped inside, you noticed that the air was much colder than in the hanger. It hung with a sort of dead fog, immediately sending a shiver down your spine as you ventured further. You wrapped your arms around your torso, listening as the ramp started to raise again behind you, the metal creaking dramatically. With a loud clang, the entrance sealed back shut, trapping you and Kylo inside the tiny, claustrophobic vessel. You gulped, feeling your heart race speed up. 

Kylo had reached the black door ahead of you, moving his hand slightly as it hissed open, more fog pouring from the edges. He stormed past it, disappearing into the dark room with no glance back at you to make sure you were following. It was almost like he'd forgotten you were there. Maybe he had.

You moved forward slowly, making your way in the dark space and feeling along the wall. Cold metal met your touch, and you shivered again, rubbing your arms comfortingly. Suddenly, the lights were switched on, and you winced as your eyes adjusted to the bright white color that met your gaze. The room was circle shaped, and the walls were lined with ribbed metal and control panels, blinking red and blue with small, flickering lights. A small table and chairs sat in the middle of the space, and multiple doors lined the walls. A large window laid at the front of the room, exposing the outside world to your gaze. You peered out of it, watching as a squadron of storm troopers marched through the hangar bay in strict formation, their legs moving perfectly in sync. In front of the window sat two pilot seats and a large control panel, levers and buttons scattering the surface in a confusing pattern. You had no idea how any of it worked. 

A movement out of the corner of your eye caught your attention, and you turned, Kylo's looming figure meeting your gaze. You sucked in a quick breath, straightening your lips into a thin line. He stared back at you, standing awkwardly about ten feet away with his hands clenched into tight fists. The two of you just stood, frozen for a moment in terrible silence, until he finally lowered his gaze towards the ground, marching past you and slumping down into one of the pilot's chairs. You watched him as he messed with the controls, flipping random switches and grasping frantically at the levers. As he did, the ship roared to life with a loud hum, the floor shaking beneath you, throwing you off balance as you stumbled to the side, grabbing at the other chair. You watched him flinch as you were thrown towards him, and you quickly backed away as you regained your balance, your cheeks burning with humiliation. 

"You should sit down." He said coldly, not looking back at you as he continued to fiddle with the console, pulling back a large lever as the ship jolted again. It was the first thing he'd said to you in days, but you'd never forgotten what his voice sounded like, deep and smooth. You nodded solemnly, making your way to the small table and flopping down in one of the chairs, laying your arms against the surface and resting your head on top of them. You closed your eyes as the ship began to shake violently, the metal walls rattling loudly around you as the humming of the thrusters increased. With another lurch, you felt the ship lift off the ground, making your stomach drop. You'd always hated flying. Flying with Kylo added a whole new level of terror to the experience. 

You cracked open your eyes, peering through the slits in your eyelids at the window. You were suspended far off the floor now, the other ships like small toys below you. You gulped again, feeling nausea wash over you as you slammed your eyes back shut, trying to calm your body down. It was almost no use, your heart racing at an unhealthy pace and the air catching in your throat. Your head was tight and throbbing as you tried desperately to take in deep, slow breaths. But nothing worked. You should have known this would happen. It always did whenever you had to fly. But adding Kylo into the mix wasn't helping. 

The ship lurched forward suddenly, shooting out of the hangar's open door and into wide, open space, a dark, starry galaxy surrounding you. You could hear the flipping and turning of twitches and levers in your ears as you hid your face in your arms, not wanting Kylo to see you panicking. You'd already embarrassed yourself enough in front of him, and you were sick of him seeing you at your worst. For once, you'd like to seem put together. Strong. But that never seemed to be the case. As you sat, sheer terror creeping through your body, a thought came to your mind. 

You were off Starkiller. 

After so long of being trapped there, you were finally leaving. Not in the way you wanted to, and definitely not forever, but you were leaving. The base grew smaller and smaller behind you as the ship shot forward through space, eventually looking like a tiny star out in the distance. You weren't sure how to feel as you moved farther from it. On one hand, you were glad to be seeing something other than those hallways for the first time in what seemed like forever. You were so sick of the white and black walls, the cold floors, the harsh lines and patterns that defined Starkiller. You wouldn't miss it at all. But you knew that where you were going wasn't going to make you feel any better. You knew you'd have to lie. You'd have to betray the only people who'd ever shown you love. Real, unchanging love. But you had no choice. The necklace around your neck felt as heavy as a brick, weighing you down with dread as Snoke listened to your every breath. 

You lifted your head from the table, sitting up straight and focusing your gaze on Kylo, who was still facing towards the large window, his hand wrapped tightly around a thick silver lever. You opened your mouth, almost saying something before you stopped yourself, sighing and slumping your shoulders forward. But suddenly, your head started to buzz, the way it always did when Kylo's voice was about to enter your mind. Your heart leaped. 

Why are you so afraid of flying? He asked, still refusing to look back at you. His tone was still cold and dry, but at least he was saying something. You gulped.

I've just always hated it. You replied, your eyes still focused on his stiffened figure. You watched with bated breath as he shifted in the chair, his legs spreading as he leaned back against it. 

There's no need to be nervous. I'm a good pilot. I'll protect you. He stated, reaching forward to flip another switch, a new light flashing blue above him. I'll protect you. The words made you wince. You remembered what he'd told you before in the elevator. The memory flashed in your mind before you could force it away. 

I want to protect you, he'd said, and I will. 

I'm sure you're a great pilot. You replied, shaking your head and trying to fight back the tears pooling in your waterline, a tiny sniffle coming from your nose. You hid your face away from him, turning your back to his figure. You lip quivered as you attempted a few deep breaths to fight your emotions. Now was not the time to cry. But to your horror, you suddenly felt the prickly sensation on the back of your neck from his stare, and your muscles tensed in your body, your jaw clenching. You turned back around slowly, your gaze meeting him. He'd stood up out of the chair, his gloved hand resting on top of it and gripping the leather tightly. The face of his mask pointed towards you, hiding his eyes, but you could still feel them on you, scanning your figure like a laser. Your breath caught in your throat again as he reached up, unlocking the back of his helmet and pulling it forward over his head. He shook out his hair as it fell over his eyes in tangled strands, his full lips pulled into a frown. Your eyes scanned wishfully over his face, soaking every detail into your memory. It felt like it had been forever since you'd seen him. Since you'd fallen into his dark eyes. Since you'd traced a pattern between the beauty-marks dotted along his skin. Since you'd felt his lips, soft and wet, against yours. Your heart panged painfully in your chest, the tears threatening at the edges of your eyes again. But you cleared your throat, looking down at the ground and avoiding his gaze. 

You're upset. He said through your mind. You furrowed your brows, looking up at him, a dumbfounded expression on your face.

Well clearly. You spat back, glaring.

Why? He asked. You scoffed. As if he didn't know. 

Please, you sighed, don't make me say it again. He stared at you, his face blank. 

Because you don't care about me. You continued, fighting the thick lump in your throat. You were glad you didn't have to speak out loud, because your voice would have been a cracking mess. 

I didn't say that. He replied, his lip twitching. 

Well do you? You narrowed your eyes at him, your arms crossed. He paused, his gaze flicking over you. 

Yes. He whispered, his weight shifting from leaning against the chair to standing straight up. Your heart fluttered. 

You do? You questioned, your face softening a bit. He nodded slowly, his lip curling upwards slightly. You paused, then shifted forward in your chair, your hands resting on your knees. But you don't love me, you continued, meeting his gaze with pleading eyes. 

He shook his head. I do not love anyone, he responded, your heart dropping again. But you wouldn't accept it. 

I don't believe that, you pressed on, standing up out of the chair. I think you still have love for your mother. He flinched, his jaw clenching tightly as he looked down at the floor. And maybe, you continued, one day you'll love me too. But I'm not asking for you to right now. His eyes flicked back to you, something flashing behind them. You kept going. 

But you have to at least let me love you. You whispered, shifting towards him hesitantly, your limbs shaking. His chest rose and fell slowly, the air hanging with a terrible silence. You gulped, waiting for his response. 

If you knew the things that I've done, he muttered, you wouldn't feel the same way. 

Try me. You stared at him, taking another small step in his direction. His eye twitched as he watched you grow closer, the gap between the two of you closing with each new step. 

You were right when you called me a monster, he whispered, his voice trembling, I am. 

No. You shot back, standing about two feet from him now. I was wrong. You're not.

I've lost count of how many people I've killed, he breathed, and I can't remember a face of a single one of them. You reached your hand out slowly, his eyes following your movement as you fingers grazed the fabric over his wrist. You stared up at him, your gaze locking with his with a focused intensity. 

You've done monstrous things, you whispered, your eyes gleaming, but you are not a monster. 

His lip quivered as your words entered his mind, and to your shock, his hand moved to rest on top of yours. His fingers threaded through yours as he pressed your palms together, lifting your hand to lay against his chest, just like he had before. You sucked in a quick breath, your lungs tightening as he lifted his other hand to your face, cupping your chin in his palm. His thumb rubbed against your cheek, your skin dancing under his touch. 

You're perfect. He said, his tone softened and calmed, making your heart melt into a puddle on the floor. You felt suddenly lightheaded, a disbelieving smile creeping over your lips. The return of his touch after what seemed like so long of its absence made you dizzy with happiness, and you leaned your head towards his hand, nuzzling into him. As soon as you did, he yanked you forward, pulling your face to his and slamming his lips against yours with an unmatched hunger, his tongue driving into your mouth with needy desperation. He kissed you feverishly as if he'd been deprived of any physical affection for years. You rammed into him, the same need coursing through your bones, your hands flying over his body and running through his hair. But you pulled back suddenly, your eyes wide with panic.

"The necklace..." You whispered, your hands flying to your neck and gripping the tiny pendant. 

"I don't care," He breathed, grabbing your face in his hands and forcing your lips back to his, hissing in a deep breath through his nose. You smiled against his mouth as he bit teasingly at your bottom lip, pulling at it lightly with his teeth. You giggled, but were silenced as his tongue suffocated you, swirling into your mouth hungrily. His hands moved from your face to behind you, gripping tightly at your ass, a low moan vibrating from his throat. With a quick movement, he hoisted you into the air, his arms supporting your body as your legs wrapped around his waist. He didn't break the kiss as he made his way to the control panel in front of the big window, setting you down on top of it and pushing you back into the console. You groaned as the switches and levers pressed uncomfortably against your back, but he shushed you, his hands roaming your body ravenously and pressing you harder against them. 

"Take off your pants," he panted, pulling away from the kiss with crazed, animalistic eyes. You nodded, reaching down to pull the fabric from your legs as quick as possible, Kylo kissing down your neck and along your shoulder, earning a small moan from you. He sucked purple marks into your skin, his breath hot against you as he made his way to your chest, ripping your shirt open with one strong yank. The buttons flew across the room as the fabric tore beyond repair, being discarded to the floor as he grabbed at your breasts, your skin tingling. Your pants were almost off now, your underwear along with them, but he grasped at them impatiently, ripping them from your legs and throwing them to the side. He returned his hands to your chest, pinching at your nipples as you hummed in compliance, your head rolling. You leaned back further against the control panel, ignoring the discomfort it brought and wrapping your legs back around Kylo, standing over you. He leaned away momentarily, his lips curled into a smirk as he admired your naked body, his eyes flashing with desire. He ran his hands up your thighs curled around his waist, grasping at your hips and pulling them towards his, your clit rubbing faintly against his clothes as you pressed against him. You moaned quietly, reaching for the hem of his pants and trying desperately to pull them down. He responded with a huffed-laugh, bringing his own hands to his belt and un-hooking it. He slid the fabric down his legs, exposing his length to your greedy eyes, thick and hard. Your mouth watered at the sight of it, and you reached your hands forward, wrapping your fingers around his throbbing shaft. A choked moan escaped past his lips as he bucked his hips towards you, his eyes fluttering shut as you ran your digits along it. 

"Fuck..." he heaved, his chest rising and falling with rapid, short breaths, "I missed you." Your heart leaped as he spoke, your cheeks burning redder than they already were. You continued to run your hands up and down his cock, his breaths getting shorter and his body starting to shake. You could tell he was close--right on the edge as you jerked him nearer and nearer to his climax. But suddenly he grabbed your wrists, pulling you away with a forceful yank. You looked up at him confusedly, but were immediately met with his lips slamming back against yours, leaning you back onto the control panel. He pinned your wrists against the cold metal, your body sprawled out over the console, flips and switches digging into your back. You groaned under him as he pressed up against you, his shaft dragging through your folds as he shifted his body on top of yours. You moaned, curling your legs tighter around him as he suffocated your mouth against his, your tongues swirling together. He pulled back suddenly, his eyes racing over your bare skin as he bit his lip between his teeth. In a quick movement, his hands flew to your thighs, his fingers digging into your skin and prying your legs even further apart. He positioned himself in front of you, his cock teasing at your entrance. You whined, your head falling back as grabbed at your waist to steady himself, his digits leaving puffy marks along your skin.

With one strong thrust, he split you open, ramming your body against the console painfully. You screamed, a mixture of pain and pleasure exploding through you as he pounded into your cunt, filling you completely. You wrapped your arms around his torso as you pulled him closer on top of you, panting against his chest as you walls clenched around him. He drove into you, the control panel shaking beneath your quivering bodies, rocking back and forth forcefully. 

You'd almost forgotten how good he felt, his body melting with yours as your limbs intertwined frantically. You soaked in the feeling of his skin against yours, warm and soft as you kissed feverishly along his chin and neck while he thrusted into you. He moaned against your mouth as he met your lips again in a wet, sloppy kiss, his lips dragging along your chin and nibbling at your ear. You hummed against him, your legs shaking violently as you climax started to build, your stomach tightening. 

"Kylo--" You breathed, moaning again as he drove a strong, almost-painful thrust into you, sweat beading along your forehead. He huffed on top of you, one hand on the console for support and one wrapped around your waist, holding you against him. 

"You want to cum?" He whispered, his voice coming out choked and strangled. You nodded weakly, your whole body quivering as he rammed into you again, sending explosions of pleasure through your core. You were right on the edge, about to explode when his gloved finger reached down to trace over your clit, a new wave of euphoria rushing through you. 

"Yes--ugh--fuck," You moaned, grabbing his hair between your fists and yanking at it, earning a hum from his lips. You could tell he was close too, his thrusts slowly becoming sloppier and his bottom lip trembling. 

"I'm--" You choked, feeling your climax creeping up rapidly. 

"Cum now." He whispered, delivering one last, strong thrust as white light exploded behind your eyelids, your pleasure-filled scream filling the room. You gasped as your whole body vibrated with your orgasm, making your limbs burn with a new sense of ecstasy. He continued to ram into you as he rode out his climax, choked moans and curses coming from his throat. His cum spilled into you, filling you with his seed as he panted against you, his face buried in your hair. Your arms were still wrapped around his shoulders, heaving with his deep, panting breaths. You ran your fingers along his robes as you winded down, tracing along the seams in the fabric. You moved your hands into his hair and drew along the edges of his ears, tucked away behind his mop of tangled hair. 

After a few moments, he pulled away, his eyes locking with yours as he leaned you back against the console, your naked skin growing aggravated against the rough surface. You shifted uncomfortably, and he responded, pulling out finally and hooking his arms under your thighs. He pulled you away from the control panel, lifting you into the air. With your legs still wrapped around his waist, he carried you to one of the doors lining the walls, pushing against it with his back and taking you into a small, dark room. Without him even lifting a finger, the lights switched on, revealing a small bed in the corner, a red blanket draped over it. He walked over to it, sitting down on the mattress as you straddled his body, your eyes locked together. His irises shined like stars, dark and deep like the endless space surrounding you. He ran his hands along your thighs and traced up to your sternum, leaning forward to plant soft kisses against your skin. You smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck and bringing him into a tight embrace, your face nestled between his shoulder. He curled his arms around your waist, pulling you to him and exhaling into your hair. You sat together in silence, your heartbeats the only identifiable sound in the ship. You took a deep breath, trying to capture the memory of his body against yours in your mind. You wanted to remember every second. Every detail. Every piece of him. 

"I love you, Kylo." You whispered against him, your fingertips playing with a thin strand of his hair. He tensed, but didn't pull away, and you sighed, leaning back to look at him. You met his gaze, a small smile on your lips as you watched his expression, blank as usual. But there it was in his eyes again. Something else. Something you couldn't name. But it was there, and it gave you hope. You leaned forward again, planting one last, slow kiss against his lips before you drew back, pulling you limbs off of him completely and standing up. You watched him out of the corner of your eye as you pulled the sheets back from the bed, sliding under the covers and concealing your naked body. You laid down against the small pillow, turning on your side to face the wall. You couldn't see Kylo anymore, but you could feel him, watching you with a focused gaze. You smiled to yourself, closing your eyes as you settled into the mattress, your body filled with a satisfied warmth. 

He didn't move for a while as you started to drift off, but eventually you felt him stand up from the bed and walk to the door. You could barely see him out of the corner of you eye as you peeked towards him, observing him standing there in the doorway, watching you in silence. But suddenly your head started to buzz, his voice entering your mind again in a quiet whisper. 

You're perfect. He repeated, his tone calm and soft. Your heart did a flip as he turned away from you, closing the door quietly switching off the lights. You listened as his footsteps padded against the floor, walking away from you and into the main room. You counted them as you closed your eyes again, feeling your body relax. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...


	21. I Can't Do This Anymore

You were woken up abruptly by a loud banging noise outside your room, and you sat up tiredly, rubbing your eyes. You slipped out from under the covers, your bare feet stinging on the cold floor. Cracking the door open apprehensively, you peered out into the room, your gaze still foggy with sleep. 

Kylo sat at the table in the middle of the room, his back to you as he fumbled with something in front of him. He smacked it against the table, the same sound that had woken you up vibrating against the metal walls. He grunted annoyedly, his shoulders tensed as he smacked it again, harder this time. 

Suddenly, the object whirred to life, buzzing with a low sound. A blue figure shot up from it, standing tall on the table and towering above Kylo's head. A projection, you quickly realized, of someone, but you couldn't tell who. The image was blurry for a moment, the hologram crackling and buzzing before finally shaping into a clear picture. When it did, you instantly froze. Snoke's figure cast a blue light over Kylo's face, his crippled face twisted into an angry expression. You weren't sure if he could see you, trembling in the doorway, but you ducked back inside anyway, your heart slamming in your chest. You peeked out from behind the wall, watching with bated breath as Snoke glared down at Kylo, his lips pulled into a deep frown. 

"Kylo Ren," He grumbled, his eyes narrowed into thin slits. "You have disappointed me yet again."

"I apologize Supreme Leader," Kylo mumbled, his head down, "It was a moment of weakness."

"Weakness is right," Snoke growled, his teeth bared, "How soft have you become, Ren? General Hux was right when he warned me about you and the girl. She has distracted you." As Snoke mentioned you, your stomach started to do painful flips, nausea washing over you. You gulped as Kylo's shoulders slumped forwards defeatedly. "I thought that you would be able to control yourself." Snoke continued, "But clearly, that is not the case."

"I can." Kylo whispered. 

"Oh can you?" Snoke chuckled, rolling his head backward and laughing up at the ceiling. "Have you forgotten that I can hear everything that's happening?" Kylo shifted uncomfortably in the chair, and you felt suddenly lightheaded. You'd known that Snoke could hear you last night, but you'd tried your best not to think about it. But now, you imagined him sitting there, listening as you and Kylo...You groaned quietly, slapping your hands over your eyes. 

"Like I said before, it was a moment of weakness." Kylo said, his voice threaded with thinly-veiled embarrassment. You couldn't see his face, but you could tell from his body language: he was humiliated. You felt the same, your face burning. 

"I'm concerned," Snoke continued, "That if you had to, you would choose the girl over your duties. I can't have that."

"It won't come to that." Kylo mumbled, his head raising to peer up at Snoke's projection.

"It might. I need to know where your loyalties lie, Ren." Snoke's eyes thinned even more. 

"My loyalties are to you. To the First Order." Kylo said, your stomach dropping slightly. You knew he had to say it, but the words still slashed painfully at your heart. 

"And the girl," Snoke pressed on. "What is she to you?"

"She is nothing more than a distraction." Kylo responded. "She means nothing to me." With that, your heart shattered in your chest, the air leaving your lungs. You stared at him, your whole body feeling as if it was frozen in place. Your jaw hung open, tears brimming in the corners of your eyes. You knew he had to tell Snoke what he needed to hear, but he didn't have to say that. That felt real--like he really meant what he was saying. You turned away from the doorway, clasping your hand over your mouth to suffocate the sobs bubbling up in your throat. With a loud smack, you slammed the door back closed, catching a quick glimpse of Kylo spinning around to meet your gaze, his eyes flashing with shock. But you ignored him, locking the door and running to the bed, collapsing down on the mattress and burying your head in the pillow, your cries being drowned out in the fabric. You screamed into it, your throat burning as you sobbed, your ears ringing with his words. She means nothing to me. It replayed in your head like a broken record, torturing you with every syllable. 

Outside, you heard the mumbling of more words, but you clamped the pillow over your ears. You didn't want to hear any more. You couldn't take it. But suddenly, the sound of a knock at your door ripped you from your thoughts, and you sniffled, sitting up. 

"Go away." You cried, wiping your eyes. "I don't want to see you." You wrapped your hand around the pendant around your neck, attempting to muffle the sound of your voice from Snoke's eavesdropping.

"Open the door." Kylo demanded, his voice aggravated. 

"No," You refused, "Why do you even want to come in here. I mean nothing to you, right?"

"Open the door right now." He repeated, his voice growing louder. You ignored him, flopping back down against the mattress, you face pointed towards the ceiling. Your tears flowed down the sides of your face as you sobbed quietly, your body feeling empty, like breathing was pointless now. He was silent for a moment outside the door, and you sighed through shaky breaths, praying that he'd go away. Instead, the sound of his heavy boot against the door reverberated through the room, making you sit up quickly. He kicked it again, an animalistic growl coming from his lips. 

"Open this door right now or I will take it down." He yelled, his voice crackling. 

"Fucking do it then!" You screamed, throwing your arms up frustratedly. With that, your heard him start to fumble with what sounded like metal. You listened closely as the roar of his saber bursted to life on the other side of the door, making you jump. The crackling of the fiery blades filled the ship, and he kicked once more at the door. 

"Last warning." He growled, but you didn't respond. He gave you a split second before he drove the blade through the door, the saber piercing a melting hole in the surface. The metal around it corroded away as he drew a human-sized circle through it, a clear view of his face meeting your gaze. His lips were twisted into a nasty snarl, his eyes locked on yours with a ferocious intensity. The metal finally fell away with a loud smack, vibrating against the ground until it finally laid still, the edges still glowing red. You watched, your mouth hanging open, as Kylo marched into the room, straight towards you. He dropped his saber to the floor as it died, his hands balled into fists by his sides. You tried to quickly wipe away the tears streaking across you face, but he reached for your wrists before you could, driving you back into the mattress and slamming his weight on top of you. You struggled underneath him, groaning and kicking at him to the best of your ability--but it was no use. He was too strong, holding you hostage underneath him. He stared down at you, seething with bared teeth. 

"Get off," You pleaded, feeling instantly suffocated, "Please, Kylo, get off me." He eyed you for a moment, watching you squirm uncomfortably underneath him, before finally pulling back with an exasperated huff. He slid to the side of the bed, his feet resting on the floor. He leaned forward, his face buried in his hands. You backed away from him and into the very farthest corner of the mattress, pulling your knees to your chest and watching him carefully. You finally wiped your tears away, sniffling quietly and sighing. You sat in silence for a moment, not knowing what to say. You thumbed at the necklace around your throat. What could you say? You didn't want to get him in trouble again, no matter how badly he hurt you. You still loved him, after all. But suddenly, your head started to buzz, and Kylo's voice trickled into your mind. 

I'm sorry. He whispered, his head still hidden in his hands. You stared at him, your heart hanging heavily in your chest. 

For what? You sighed, looking at your feet. 

For what I said. He replied. I didn't mean it. 

Didn't you? You whispered, turning your gaze back to him. 

No. He finally looked up at you, his eyes locking with yours. You sighed again, feeling another tear dropping onto your cheek and sliding down your face. 

Snoke said something, you continued, and I need to know the truth. He nodded. If you had to, you whispered, would you kill me? If it was a choice between me and the First Order--would you do it? He stared at you, silent, his lips pulled into a frown. 

I don't want it to come to that. He replied, looking away. 

But you would. You pressed on, tired of his indirect answers. 

If the moment presented itself, then I wouldn't have a choice. He said shortly, fiddling with his gloves. You wished you were surprised by his answer, but you weren't. You sighed once more, rubbing your puffy eyes. 

That's what I thought. You whispered. So you did mean what you said before. I don't mean anything to you. Not really. He shook his head, looking back at you. 

You can't understand, He said, his face softening, my loyalties to the First Order, and I don't expect you to. 

I may not understand your connection to Snoke, or to the First Order, or to any of it, You said, your heart freezing over, But I understand your connection to me. And it's not real. I know what love is--and this isn't it. His expression shifted as your words entered your mind, and he almost looked...wounded? You stared at him, pulling your knees closer to your chest. Maybe we shouldn't do this anymore. You breathed, your own heart breaking at your words. 

Don't say that, he whispered, his voice cracking a bit. You winced. 

Please don't make this any harder than it already is. You pleaded, looking at him with tear filled eyes. I love you Kylo, but you're breaking my heart. I can't take it anymore. 

Please, he said, shifting towards you, don't do this. His hand reached out and laid gingerly against your arm, making you choke with a loud sob. You pulled away from him, your heart aching desperately for his touch--but you knew it was wrong. 

I can't do this. You cried, your body shaking. I can't be with you, I'm sorry. For the first time in what felt like forever, you watched as a genuine emotion creeped over Kylo's face, plunging your heart deeper into despair. His brows furrowed and his eyes thinned, but not with anger. With sadness. His mouth hung open as if he wanted to speak, but he eyed the necklace around your throat and stopped himself. But his eyes spoke for him. He stared at you, his irises flashing with pure desperation. His lip began to quiver, and you watched in shock as his eyes began to look misty. 

Please, he said again, his voice shaky, I need you. 

You don't need me, you choked, you just want me here--like you said--as a distraction. 

I didn't mean any of that, he breathed, shifting towards you again. He laid his hand back on your arm, and this time, you didn't pull away. He took that as permission to move closer, pulling his body in front of yours, his hand rubbing slowly up and down your arm. You blinked at him, tears falling down your cheeks as you took in a shaky breath. 

I don't know what to say. You whispered, a single tear falling onto his hand. He glanced at it as it rolled off his glove and onto the mattress, absorbing into the fabric. 

Say you'll be with me. He reached up to your face, brushing another tear from your cheek. You nuzzled against his hand, your heart aching. You wanted to remember his touch--how it felt. Everything about him. Because you knew it had to end, no matter how much it pained you. 

I love you. You said, sighing. But you'll never care about me the way I care about you. And I can't torture myself waiting for you to. 

Please, he breathed again, actual tears brimming in his waterline. You stared at them, shocked. 

I'm sorry, you sniffled, pushing his fingers away from your face. His face fell more, his lip trembling as he stared at you, his hand shaking slightly. If things were different then maybe...you whispered, pausing. I wish things were different. 

He let out a small, saddened huff, rubbing his eyes and turning away from you. He groaned, burying his face in his hands. You wanted to reach for him. To pull him into a tight embrace and wrap your arms around his body. You wanted him to hold you against his chest--to let you listen to his heartbeat and count the rhythm. He heard your thoughts, turning towards you with misty eyes. 

"Then why don't you." He whispered, his voice echoing through the room. Your heart lurched, and you nodded slowly, shifting towards him and falling against his chest. He leaned froward quickly, wrapping his arms around your body, taking in a deep breath as his face buried in your hair. A small sob escaped past his lips as he rocked you, grabbing fistfuls of your shirt desperately as if it would keep you from leaving. You choked, gripping at his robes and pulling him as close to your body as possible. You never wanted to let him go, even though you knew you had to. The longer you stayed, the worse it would hurt to pull away. 

So you did. You pulled back, meeting his teary gaze and sighing. You smiled at him weakly, reaching your hand forward to brush a stray piece of hair out of his face, your fingers lingering as you tucked it behind his ear. He leaned against your hand as another tear fell from your eye, sliding down your cheek. 

I need you. He breathed, his voice buzzing through your mind, his eyes pleading. 

I'm not leaving you. You whispered. It'll just be different. He watched you, blinking away the tears in his waterline. 

I need you to be mine. He reached his hand to your face, cupping your chin gingerly. 

I can't be. You choked, putting your hand on top of his. Not like this. He paused, staring at you with pain streaked across his face. 

Can I kiss you? He breathed, his eyes flickering to your lips. One last time. You considered it a moment, knowing that the right choice would be to say no. To cut the tie. But as you watched him, your heart yanking you in his direction, you nodded faintly, leaning towards him. 

He pulled your face to his, your lips pressing together desperately. His hands ran through your hair as he held you closer, his mouth soft and gently against yours. The kiss was fragile--like he was afraid that if he was too rough you'd run away. But you melted against him, tracing your hands along his body, eventually resting on his chest, his heartbeat vibrating through your bones. It sped up as you shifted closer to him, and your heart glowed for a moment before you remembered what had to happen. You couldn't stay here forever, wrapped up in his arm. Things had to change. You pulled away from him, your lips leaving each other's as you pressed your forehead against his, your eyes closed. Tears still seeped out of the corners as you watched your memories of the two of you behind your closed lids, your heart aching painfully. But you finally sighed, backing away from him and sitting up straight. He stared at you, a single tear sitting on his cheek as his lip quivered, though he tried to hide it. He turned away, wiping at his face and straightening his expression. He stood up from the bed, his back to you, and walked slowly to the door, his shoulders slumped defeatedly. He paused, glancing at the human-sized hole in the surface. 

"I'll fix your door." He mumbled, turning around to flash you a small, weak smile. You nodded, watching as he stepped through it and into the main room, leaving you alone. 

Really alone. For the first time in a while. You weren't sure whether you liked it or not.


	22. A Rough Arrival

When the planet finally came into view, a strange sense of calm washed over you. It wasn't how you planned to feel. Not at all. You expected to be panicked, dreading the very moment you'd have to face them. When you'd have to lie. When you'd betray your friends. Your family. 

And it was still true, you were filled with unbelievable guilt and dread. But as the lush, green world grew larger and larger in view, all you felt was calm, hugging you like a warm blanket. After all, you'd be getting to see them all again. All the people who you loved with all of your heart. Yes, the circumstances were terrible, but you wanted to at least give yourself this one moment of happiness, because you knew it wouldn't last. 

Kylo's tall figure loomed next to you as you stared out the window, your eyes wide with anticipation as the ship hurtled towards your destination. You could feel his gaze on you, the hair on the back of your neck prickling, but you kept your eyes glued on the planet in front of you, welcoming you home. You knew this place. It was one of the hidden resistance bases where Leia usually stayed. You weren't sure how Kylo knew to come here. You turned to him, your brow furrowed. 

"How did you know where this was?" You questioned.

"We tracked one of their ships back here." He said coldly, his face blank. "A long time ago." You frowned, turning back to the window. You wished there was a way for you to tell Leia that the camp was compromised, but you were sure you wouldn't be able to. The stupid necklace around your throat felt like a noose, choking you with guilt and reminding you of how little freedom you actually had. Even now, galaxies away from Starkiller, you were still under their thumb. You pulled at its chain, wincing as you pictured Snoke listening to your every breath. You were silent for a moment before you turned back to Kylo, your eyes scanning his face. 

"Are you nervous?" You asked, watching him carefully. He appeared unaffected, except for a small twitch of his wrist. 

"No." He replied, his fists clenching. 

"Because if you were, we can talk about it." You tried, shifting towards him. He flinched. 

"There's nothing to discuss." He turned away, stalking over to the table and sitting down, his back to you. You sighed, the calm feeling being replaced with the sad reminder of your new dynamic. It was your choice to end things, but it still felt wrong. It hadn't become any less painful, even though it had been about a week. You could tell he was still hurt too, even though he tried to hide it. 

"Hey--" You started, walking toward him.

"Stop." He cut you off, his head whipping around to meet your gaze. As your eyes locked, your head started to buzz, his words reappearing in your mind. If you don't want to be with me, fine. He seethed, but don't expect for me to act like nothing happened. 

Kylo, I--You breathed, shaking your head. I didn't end things because I don't care. You know that. I still lo--

It doesn't matter. He hissed, cutting you off again and turning back around in his chair. You still ended it. You frowned, your shoulders slumping defeatedly. You wished you could make him understand. He didn't say anything else, and the vibrating in your head dissipated as you sighed, walking back to your room and shutting the door. You glanced at the outline of where Kylo had cut it with his saber, now melded back together like a patchwork quilt. You went to the side of your bed, digging through your bag and pulling out new clothes. You yanked the dark brown pants and white long-sleeve shirt over your legs and arms, adjusting them until they were comfortable. You slipped your feet into think, black boots, your mind flashing to the memory of the sound of Kylo's footsteps along Starkiller's hallways. There were always so loud, but you'd always known what that sound meant. The recollection of it still made your heart leap. You shook your head, lacing up the boots and standing back up to fix your tangled mess of hair. You pulled it back in a loose braid over your shoulder, running your fingers through the knots and smoothing out the strands. Your brain flickered to the memory of Kylo digging his hands into your scalp as he kissed you hungrily, his tongue tangled with yours. You sighed, trying desperately to get him out of you head. You were afraid you'd never be able to as you flopped down on the bed, your face pointed towards the ceiling. You laid there, your eyes wide open, waiting to get off this ship. To get away from Kylo. Maybe a little bit of distance would help. 

~A few hours later~

The ship lurched violently, the landing gear digging into the soft dirt below you, sending a wave of dread through your body. The sense of calm you'd felt before was completely gone now, replaced with pure horror and panic, controlling your every breath, which were short and shallow. Your head was pounding as you made your way out of your room dizzily, opening the door to the sight of Kylo--his gaze meeting your with a shared expression of terror. He hid it better, but you could see it behind his eyes. His eyes always gave him away. He was dressed differently, you noticed immediately. His cape was gone, as were the top few layers of his robes. All that was left now was a black, long sleeved shirt and pants covering him. His lightsaber was gone from his side, hidden somewhere on the ship. The sight was strange at first. To you, without all his layers, he looked as though he was naked. You blushed, but before he could see you shook your head, pretending not to notice the change. You flashed him a weak, nervous smile as you walked towards him, your hands sweating. 

"Ready?" You choked, motioning towards the door. 

"Yes." He lied, clearing his throat and straightening his spine, breaking eye-contact and making his way to the hallway, leaving you behind. You frowned, scurrying after him and leaving the main room of the ship behind you. You caught a quick glance out the window, a lush, green forest meeting your gaze. You stomach did a flip as you caught up to Kylo's heels, nervous anticipation building as you grew closer and closer to the exit, the door looming in front of you at the end of the hallway. 

"I think I should walk out first." You said from behind him, "I don't think they'll react well to seeing you." He regarded you over his shoulder, huffing quietly. But after a moment, he nodded weakly, slowing his pace and letting you walk past him, your legs shaking with each new step. You weren't at all prepared for what was about to happen. You had no idea what you were going to say. How you were supposed to explain yourself. Even worse, how you were going to explain him. Your relationship to him. Why he was there. Your stomach lurched painfully, your lip trembling with fear. 

You finally reached the end of the hall, staring blankly at the door in front of you. Your whole body was frozen, your limbs not responding as your brain told you to move. You eyed the panel next to you on the wall, trying to get your arm to reach for it. But you couldn't do it. You sucked in a deep breath through gritted teeth. 

"Can you press it?" You whispered to Kylo, standing behind you. "I can't do it." Silence met your request, but after a second you watched as Kylo's arm reached over you and pressed a finger to the panel, the door clicking as it unlocked. The ramp door popped, smoke pouring from the edges as it slowly began to lower, light trickling in from the outside. Your heart slammed in your chest, your whole body quivering as the door opened all the way, the ramp extending with a low, metallic moan. You peered outside, shielding your eyes from the bright light pouring in and squinting into the lush forest. But as your vision adjusted, the scene appearing before you, you furrowed your brows. 

Where was everyone? You'd expected for them to be waiting outside the door, blasters cocked and ready to shoot. A First Order ship wouldn't be a welcomed sight. You stepped forward hesitantly, your feet crossing the threshold from the hallway and onto the ramp. The metal creaked below you as you made your way down it, stepping onto the grass and taking in a deep breath. The air was humid, the moisture sticking to your skin as the light beamed down on you, warming your body with sunny rays. You closed your eyes for a moment, welcoming the sweet-smelling breeze as it blew though your hair, rogue strands flowing around your face. Surprisingly, you felt a smile creep across your lips as you enjoyed the natural light. After being stuck inside for so long, Starkiller's stale, fluorescent lighting beating down on you, it was nice to feel real sun against your skin. As your eyes reopened, you sighed, turning back around to face Kylo, still standing in the hallway, hidden from view. 

"Where--" You started, calling to him. But just as the words began to leave your mouth, the sound of a blaster firing entered your ears, a searing pain exploding through your shoulder and knocking you to the ground. You screamed, gripping at your skin, looking down to see a bloody, slightly cauterized wound bubbling near your collarbone. You were instantly lightheaded, flashing back to the night when your camp was raided, the smell of burning flesh entering your airway. Before you could even process what was happening, Kylo was by your side, grabbing your face in his hands and shouting something at you--but your ears were ringing too loud to hear what he was saying. You just stared up at him blankly, your eyes wide and your whole body feeling paralyzed. 

"I think...I think I was shot." You mumbled, your voice dead with shock, your mind refusing to form cohesive thoughts. 

"Yeah, no shit." Kylo muttered, his voice threaded with stress, fumbling with your shirt and trying to pull it away from your wound. You winced as he peeled the melted fabric away from your skin, reaching under you to hold your head up gingerly with his arm. You opened your mouth to speak again, but before you could, a new voice called from behind Kylo's haunched back, guarding your body protectively.

"Identify yourself!" The voice demanded, the unidentified person's footsteps approaching the two of you quickly. That voice sounded familiar...but with your fogged mind you couldn't place it. Kylo's shoulder tensed over you, his lips straightening into a thin line as he carefully laid your head back on the grass, moving to raise his arms over his head, surrendering. 

"Identify yourself, now!" The voice called again, even closer now. You looked up at Kylo, who was staring down at you concernedly with his raven eyes. You sighed, sucking a shaky breath into your lungs. 

"My name is Y/N!" You yelled, wincing as your wound throbbed at your shoulder. "I'm with the Resistance!" A pause. The person's footsteps stopped approaching. 

"...Y/N?" The voice whispered disbelievingly. Suddenly, you knew exactly who it was. Poe Dameron stood behind Kylo's back, blaster in hand and brown and red leather jacket shining in the sunlight. He came into view slowly, his face covered in a shocked, slightly horrified expression as he peered down at you, his mouth hanging open. "There's no...there's no way you're alive."

You stared up at him, a weak smile creeping over your lips as you tried, failingly, to sit up. You stopped as the pain shot through your shoulder, collapsing back to the ground with a groan. Poe winced, his gaze flicking to your wound.

"Oh shit," He breathed, dropping his blaster and rushing towards you, seeming to not even notice Kylo haunched over you. "I'm so sorry, I thought--I thought you were First Order--" As he spoke the words, Kylo finally raised his head, instantly locking eyes with Poe as he kneeled down in front of you--both of them freezing in place. Terrible silence fell over the scene, Poe's mouth continuing to hang open as you looked between him and Kylo, waiting for someone to do something--anything. But they stayed as still as statues, staring at each other. 

Finally, Poe blinked, his mouth seeming to try to form a word. You sighed, at least he didn't freak out--

Poe launched over you toward Kylo, his hands wrapping around his neck and knocking him to the ground, an angry growl spilling from Poe's mouth. Kylo fell back, not prepared for the attack, Poe's body pinning him to the ground and delivering a terrible punch to his jaw. 

"You fucking traitor!" Poe screamed, another punch landing against Kylo's cheek, knocking his face sideways as blood poured from a gash in his lip. "How dare you come back here!"

"Poe, stop!" You cried, attempting to roll on your side and pull him off. You failed, Poe's fist connecting with the other side of Kylo's face, a pained grunt escaping past his lips. "Stop!" You yelled again, grabbing at the hem of Poe's pants and yanking him towards you. When that didn't work, you gathered all the strength in you, shoving your body off the ground and stumbling to Poe's side. Ignoring the terrible throbbing pain in your shoulder, you dug your nails into Poe's arm, pulling his flying fists away from Kylo and forcing him to the ground. You collapsed on top of him as he tried to clamber back towards Kylo, his eyes burning with pure, uncontrolled rage. He was heaving with furious, panting breaths as he struggled against you, all of your body weight pressing down against him to try and hold him down. You watched out of the corner of your eye as Kylo hauled himself to his feet, touching gingerly at his busted lip, dark red blood coating his finger. 

"Y/N, it's okay." He mumbled, "You can let him go." Poe struggled underneath you as you eyed Kylo nervously. 

"You sure?" You called over your shoulder. Kylo nodded, and you rolled off of Poe, who jumped to his feet with an angry huff. He stood there, glancing between you and Kylo with confused, angry eyes. 

"What the fuck is going on here?!" He screamed, pointing accusingly between the two of you. "Someone needs to tell me right now, or I'm gonna--" You paused, looking up and Kylo and furrowing your brow. Now was the time. You'd have to lie. 

"He helped me escape, Poe." You said, hoisting yourself to your feet painfully. You stood up straight, feeling dizzy. "I would be dead if it weren't for him. He's...he's turned."

"Bullshit." Poe seethed, his angry gaze flicking back to Kylo, who was watching in silence as his lip dripped with blood. 

"It's true," You lied, your heart lurching guiltily. "He's come back to the light. He's Ben again." As the word left your mouth it took everything in you not to wince. Just saying it made you nauseated. You watched Kylo out of the corner of your eye, trying to read his expression. But he stayed still, hiding his reaction. If he even had one, you couldn't tell. Poe stared at you, his brow furrowed. You weren't sure if he was buying it or not, but he glanced down at your shoulder, his face shifting to a guilty, saddened expression. 

"I need to get you back to camp to have that cleaned." He breathed, walking towards you and taking your arm in his hand. He took a quick look at your wound, cringing as you pulled back, the pain shooting through your chest. "I'm so so sorry, again." You nodded, flashing him a weak smile. 

"I'll only go back if he comes too." You stated, glancing towards Kylo. Poe frowned, drawing close to you. 

"Are you crazy?" He whispered into your ear, "There's no way you actually trust him."

"I do." You hissed back, "With all of my heart." Poe eyed you suspiciously, leaning back and peering at Kylo with a skeptical look. 

"Well I don't." He mumbled, turning away from you and leaning down to pick up his blaster. As he stood back up, he glanced back at you once more, then sighed, walking forward and motioning over his shoulder for you to follow. "Help her," Poe yelled over his shoulder, pointing at Kylo, "I don't like this--and I don't trust you at all, but if you're gonna come, at least make yourself useful." Kylo glanced over at you, meeting your gaze as he walked over and wrapped his arm around your waist, supporting you as you followed Poe's footsteps into the forest, your shoulder aching. As you trudged along, trying to calm your heartbeat as Kylo's hand gripped your waist, your head started to buzz. 

He doesn't believe us. Kylo muttered, He's planning on talking to my mother about it after he brings you to the infirmary. 

He's definitely suspicious, you whispered back. I need to convince him. And Leia. I have to talk to her before she knows you're here. 

I can feel her. He said quietly as you glanced up at his face, his eyes cloudy with thought. She's close. You gulped, looking back at Poe as he walked through the tall plants scattered along the path you were following, huffing frustratedly as he shoved their large leaves out of his way. He stomped along, his blaster shining in his hand as he weaved through the trees, leading you and Kylo deeper into the maze-like forest. It almost reminded you of Starkiller's halls, confusing and never-ending, as the scenery all started to blend together around you. 

It seemed like you'd been walking for what seemed like forever until the first sign of life came into sight. Your stomach did a flip as the forest opened up into a cleared-out space, hundreds of tents lining the ground and groups of people running and rushing between them. You didn't recognize any of them at first glance, but then again, most of the people you knew wouldn't be here. They wouldn't be anywhere, you realized with a sickening feeling. They were all dead. 

You noticed Kylo's tread slow as you followed Poe into the camp, his hand stiffening against your waist and his jaw clenching. 

It's okay. You whispered through your mind, I'm here. He glanced down at you, a faint grin on his lips, his dimples showing weakly in his cheeks. 

I know. He replied, looking away and marching you forward. As you walked through the camp at Poe's heels, people eyes' immediately fell on Kylo, their mouths hanging open. You could feel his whole body tense next to you, but his face stayed blank and calm. You could hear him taking in deep, slow breaths, and you shifted closer to him, your arm grazing against his side. You could hear people whisper as you passed by, making you wince. 

"Is that...?"

"Oh my god, that's Ben."

"That's Kylo Ren."

"How can he show his face here after what he's done?"

"Someone's gonna give him a taste of his own medicine, just wait."

You sighed, trying to block out their remarks. If they were bothering you, you were sure they were bothering him ten times more. But he remained calm by your side, refusing to react. You were proud of him as he walked along with you. He'd never had this much self control before. Maybe he was actually changing after all. Finally, Poe stopped, turning around to face you and Kylo. 

"The infirmary's here," He sighed, glancing at your shoulder, "You need to have that bandaged up."

"No, no..." You shook your head, "I want to see Leia first." Poe opened his mouth, tilting his head. 

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" He muttered, eyeing Kylo. You nodded vigorously. 

"She needs to know." Poe bit his lip between his teeth, considering the two of you for a moment with leery eyes.

"Fine." He said after a moment, groaning. "This way." You gulped, shooting Kylo a nervous glance before trudging after him again, the infirmary disappearing behind you. You followed Poe down another path, this one leading a little ways away from the main camp and deeper into the forest. Tall trees hung over you, the canopy blocking some of the sun's rays and letting light through in bright speckles, casting over your skin like a starry constellation. You walked for a few minutes, your feet growing tired and your shoulder aching with searing pain. Maybe I should have taken up Poe's offer to go to the infirmary, you thought to yourself. But before you could turn back, the pain getting too overwhelming, a light brown tent appeared before you, taller than all the others back at the camp. The symbol of the resistance was printed on the canvas, and you smiled, your heart leaping. 

Leia's tent. 

As you approached it, your stomach started to flip nervously. Your mind was a mix of thoughts, all melting together chaotically. You were excited to see her, but the giant oak tree of a man next to you was making the experience all the more terrifying. You had no idea how she would react, or if she would even believe your story. You had a sinking feeling that she wouldn't. You made your way to the entrance, pausing as Poe ducked in ahead of you, disappearing into the tent. You turned to Kylo, your heart racing. 

"You should probably wait out here," You sighed, "until I explain." He nodded, his eyes looking distant as you pulled your body away from his hand at your waist, your skin feeling cold as his touch left it. You ran your hand gingerly along the fabric hanging over the entrance, taking a deep breath and pulling it back, closing your eyes and stepping inside, pretending to be ready for whatever was about to happen.


	23. Family Forgives

When you finally pried open your eyes, your heart slamming painfully in your chest, your gaze was met with a small room, the walls lined with tall bookshelves and tapestries, maps and posters covering the inside of the tent. Poe was no where to be seen, and you blinked confusedly, peering around. In the middle of the room sat a long wood table with several chairs surrounding it, papers and books piled haphazardly on its surface. You stepped froward out of the entryway and into the space, taking a deep breath as you looked around. Your heart was still beating wildly as you made your way to the table, running your hand along the wooden surface and glancing at the books scattered across it. As your eyes flicked over the papers, you immediately noticed something familiar. The handwriting. Leia's handwriting, you realized, a shiver running down your spine. You glanced up at the walls, observing the overlapping posters and banners, all the different words and colors overwhelming your eyes. But as you looked closer, something small caught your eye. Almost completely hidden behind a much larger tapestry, was a small picture, half of a face poking out. You walked over to it, thumbing carefully at the paper and pulling it out into view. As soon as you did, your heart dropped. 

You knew this picture. A young Ben Solo stared up at you, a small, complacent smirk on his lips as his raven eyes gleamed in the sun. His shaggy mop of hair framed his thin, freckled face, and you ran your fingertip over his brown leather jacket, as if you'd be able to feel the fabric through the glossy paper. You remembered when you'd seen this picture the first time, when you and Leia had gone through her photos. It felt like such a long time ago now. You hadn't really known who Ben Solo was then. You weren't sure if you even did now. 

You were ripped from your thoughts as footsteps approached behind you, making you jump as you blinked back the mist forming in your eyes. You turned, facing Poe as he walked up to you, his face covered in concern. 

"I'm not sure about this." He mumbled, resting his hands at his waist. "I don't know how she'll react to seeing him. Or you."

"It'll be fine." You responded reassuringly, half-trying to convince yourself, too. "Where is she?"

"She's in the other room writing," Poe said, his voice quiet as he got lost in his own thoughts. He gestured towards the back of the room as you noticed another doorway, a white tapestry hanging over the entrance. "You can go back there now."

"Did you tell her I was here?" You whisper-hissed, your heart pounding. 

"No," He sighed, rubbing his temples, "I chickened out." You groaned, punching him annoyedly in the arm. "Ouch," He complained. 

"Oh really?" You rolled your eyes, gesturing towards the festering wound on your shoulder. He winced, laughing nervously. 

"I'm so sorry, again." He chuckled, looking guilty. 

"Mhm." You pushed past him, your feet feeling like they were made of cement as you dragged them along, making your way towards the door. Your ears started to ring with a deafening sound, making your head ache as you approached the entrance, your arms shaking as you reached forward, your fingers feeling along the edge of the tapestry. You turned around briefly, glancing at Poe once more as he flashed you a reassuring smile, giving you a cheesy thumbs up. You nodded, turning back around and grabbing the fabric in your fist, pulling at it hesitantly. You closed your eyes as you stepped forward, leaving Poe behind as you crossed the threshold into the new room, your legs shaking violently. You took in a deep breath, pausing at the doorway and slowly cracking open your eyes. When you did, your whole body froze. 

There she was, sitting back faced to you at a small, wooden desk, her head hung as she haunched over a book, scribbling frantic notes onto the paper. Her hair was pulled up in a tight bun at the back of her head, and a grey jacket fell over her shoulders. You watched her for a moment, not able to move, or speak, or even think. You just stared, your mouth hanging open stupidly. But finally, your brain started to function again, a string of words piecing together in your head. You gulped, straightening your spine as you tried to composed yourself. Somehow, Leia still hadn't noticed you, and you sighed, readying yourself. 

"General," You said quietly, your whole body shaking. She jumped, whipping around in her chair and groaning. 

"I've told you guys a million times," She chuckled, rolling her eyes at the ceiling, "you can't sneak up on me like tha--" Her voice caught in her throat as her gaze suddenly fell on you, and she froze, her mouth hanging open like yours had a moment before. Silence fell over the room again as she stared at you, your legs feeling like jelly below you. You smiled weakly at her, feeling extremely awkward standing silently in the doorway as she continued to watch you with a frozen expression. 

"Hi." You said, a lump sitting in the back of your throat, making your voice crack. As you spoke, she finally shifted in her chair, shaking her head. 

"Y/N?" She whispered, a slow, disbelieving smile creeping over her lips. You nodded, feeling hot tears well up in your eyes. Suddenly, she shot out of her chair, rushing towards you with her arms opened wide. A loud sob escaped past your lips as she collided with you, wrapping her arms around your shoulders in a tight embrace, your face buried in her shoulder. You ignored the searing pain at your collarbone as she held you close, rocking you back and forth and patting the back of your head gently. Your tears seeped into the fabric of her jacket, and she shushed you as you cried, tears of joy and guilt pouring down your cheeks. Your head was a hurricane of emotions. You couldn't believe that she was really in front of you again, hugging you tightly. You wanted to be happy, and for a moment you were. But you couldn't help but remember what you were really here for. You weren't free. You weren't home. Not yet. You pulled back after a few moments, smiling from ear to ear as Leia reached rested her hands on your shoulders, admiring your tear-streaked face. She wiped her thumb against your cheek, shushing you quietly. But after a second, she glanced down, her face going pale as she immediately noticed your wound, slapping her hand over her mouth. 

"Oh my god..." She whispered, looking sick, "What the hell did they do to you?" You tried to say something, to tell her that it was an accident (and that Poe did it, not the First Order), but she pulled at your arm, ignoring your protest and rushing you to her chair. She forced you down in it, looking frantic as her gaze flicked from your lesion to your face, her eyes wide with panic. 

"Don't worry, I'm getting help," She muttered, suddenly rushing towards the door before you could tell her to stop. As she did, instant terror shot through your blood, and you yelled after her. If she saw Kylo before you had a chance to explain--You jumped up from the chair, rushing after her as she made her way into the other room. 

"No--stop!" You shouted, throwing back the white tapestry and chasing her into the space. But she'd already made her way to the table, where Poe was sitting, fumbling with a book. 

"Did you know about this? She's hurt!" She hissed as she rushed past him before he could process what was happening. As the realization finally hit him, he looked up at you with wide, terrified eyes, jumping up from his seat and calling after her. 

"Leia stop!" He screamed, running towards the entrance, which she was already pulling back as his words left his mouth. It was too late. You watched in horror as she stepped outside the tent, the tent's fabric door falling closed behind her. You and Poe stood there in dead silence for a moment, blinking stupidly at the realization of your mistake, a shared expression of shock on your faces. But you quickly shook your head, rushing towards the door and ripping back the fabric, your heart slamming. When you did, you stopped in place, your breath catching in your throat. 

Leia stood, her back to you, frozen mid-step as she stared at him, his tall, stiff figure looming over her. Kylo, too, was completely still, the only movement of his body the slow rising and falling of his chest and the blowing of his dark, wavy hair in the wind. His mouth was parted slightly, and you noticed a faint tremble of his lower lip as he stared at her, his eyes flashing with a million emotions. They were silent for a while, just watching each other's reactions, until Leia finally shifted her stance, her shoulder slumping. 

"Ben?" She whispered, her mouth hanging open as the words left her lips. His body shook as he heard his name, his eye twitching as he moved his gaze to the ground. Slowly, he nodded, his jaw tensing as his lip quivered more. His eyes looked misty, but if there were tears he held them back, his face just as blank as usual. Suddenly, Leia turned back to you, making your heart drop. 

"What's going on?" She whispered, her eyes cloudy with emotion. 

"Let's go sit down," You said calmly, trying to hide the terror in your voice. She stared at you for a moment, then looked back to him, then at you again. Finally, she nodded, and you reached forward, hooking your arm in hers and leading her back into the tent. She felt stiff as you walked next to her, sitting her down in one of the chairs around the table. Her gaze looked distant--lost in thought as you let go of her arm, pulling back a chair for yourself and falling into it. You didn't ever look back at Kylo, but you heard his footsteps as he made his way into the room, the door flapping closed behind him. He slid into the chair farthest from you and Leia, his eyes glued on the table's surface, refusing to meet your gaze. He slouched forward, his hair falling over his eyes as he bit nervously at his lip, sighing quietly. Poe was standing against the wall, watching you and eyeing Kylo suspiciously, a small frown on his face. 

"Okay..." You exhaled, laying your hands out on the table. You tried not to cringe as you prepared your escape story in your mind, the lie eating you up inside as you opened your mouth to speak. "I was captured a few months ago." You recalled the memory of the stormtrooper's boot against your head, white-pain exploding through your scull. "They took me back to Starkiller to be interrogated." Leia looked up from the table, her eyes brimming with tears as she met your gaze. You bit your lip. "They asked me about my relationship to the Resistance. To you. I tried my best not to give them anything. I really tried. But--" You felt your eyes watering up, and you drooped your head, feeling shame wash over you. "They finally got it out of me. The plans for the attack on Starkiller. I gave it to them...I'm--I'm so sorry." You closed your eyes, sighing deeply as a single tear rolled down your cheek. But as you did, Leia reached forward, laying her hand on top of yours. You looked up at her as she offered you a sympathetic smile, and you couldn't help but notice that she and Kylo had the same dimples, your heart lurching again. "But I'm sure you want to know about...about Ben." The word felt so wrong on your lips, and it took everything in you not to wince. You glanced sideways at Kylo, who shifted uncomfortably in his chair, still refusing to look up. You paused, preparing your lie. "He helped me escape. I could tell when he questioned me that he wasn't truly turned. When he saw my memories of you...I knew there was still good in him...I could feel it." You said the last few words with a conviction you didn't intend to add. But you really did believe what you were saying. You'd felt the good in him. You still did. You were sure of it. Leia stared at you, her eyes flashing a mix of emotions. You couldn't read them exactly, but your hand tensed under hers, waiting for a response. Finally, she shook her head. 

"I can't believe this..." She muttered, sighing deeply. She turned, staring at Kylo. He flinched, fiddling with the hem of his shirt under the table. "Ben." She said to him, refusing to look away until he met her gaze. Finally, he looked up, tufts of hair falling over his eyes. "Is this true?" He paused, glancing towards you quickly. 

"Yes." He mumbled, his voice coming out in a faint whisper. Leia let out a disbelieving chuckle, falling back in her chair, a small smile creeping over her lips. 

"And what about that?" She said, gesturing towards your shoulder. 

"Oh," You smirked, "That was Poe, actually." Leia whipped around, facing Poe, who held his hands up innocently. 

"It was an accident!" He protested, laughing nervously. "She came out of a First Order ship, what was I supposed to think?"

"Maybe you should talk to people before you shoot them." She scolded, huffing and turning back to you and Kylo. As her gaze fell on him again, her expression softened. 

"Ben," She said again, making him shiver, "I don't understand...What made you come back? After all this time?" He watched her, then stared towards you, making your heart flutter. 

"She made me remember," He muttered, "What I had before...What I left behind. What I gave up." You watched as his lips spoke the words, amazed at how convincing he sounded. He was putting on a good show. Or maybe...just maybe, he wasn't acting. He paused, shifting in his seat. "I don't--I don't expect anyone to forgive me." Leia stared at him, her eyes misty as suddenly, she rose from her chair, her hand leaving yours as she walked around the table towards Kylo. He looked genuinely afraid for the first time as she approached him, sitting down in the chair next to his. She reached her hand forward on the table, her eyes pleading for him to take it. He stared at her palm, facing up towards him, his eyes flickering towards you. You just stared back at him, an encouraging smile on your lips. He looked back at Leia, his lip quivering. She smiled at him, her eyes shining as he finally reached forward, taking her hand in his. His was ten times bigger than hers, but he still looked terrified. 

"Family forgives." She whispered, squeezing his fingers in hers. "And no matter what you've done, you are still my family." Kylo's jaw tensed as he swallowed, his adam's apple bobbling in his throat. His eyes fogged over as he stared back at her, a faint, almost unnoticeable smile creeping across his lips. 

You watched them with teary eyes, your heart feeling as if it was being torn in half. You almost forgot about the pendant hanging from your neck, Snoke listening to your every word. But as the realization washed over you, you cleared your throat, sitting up straight. Leia's gaze flicked back to you. 

"We still need to get you to the infirmary," She said, smiling once more at Kylo before letting go of his hand and standing back up. You noticed that his finger's lingered as her grip left his, his mouth hanging open slightly. His eyes looked distant, staring at the ground. Leia made her way over to you, helping you stand up out of the chair and hooking her arm back in yours, walking you towards the door. You peered over your shoulder at Kylo, who was watching you carefully as you stepped away from him. 

Come on, you whispered through your mind as you stared at him, you need to stay with me. He agreed silently, pushing back his chair and following behind you, keeping a safe distance. Poe came after him, still eyeing Kylo with a suspicious expression. The four of you walked along the path back to the camp, the sun trickling through the trees in bright speckles against your skin. Your heart was beating out of your chest as you made your way back into the clearing, people's eyes instantly falling on you, and Kylo on your heels. You glanced back at him, who was walking with his head drooped down and his hands balled at his sides. Leia led you through the camp and to the tent Poe had shown you before, pulling back the flap of the ten't entrance and walking you inside. A long room met your gaze, lined with small, white cots and small wooden side tables. Curtains hung between each bed, separating the wounded from each other. Your eyes scanned the occupied cots, and you winced as you saw a man, his arm brutally mutilated, passed out on one of the mattresses. You exhaled deeply, feeling lightheaded. Nurses and doctors walked around the patients, clip boards in their hands as they evaluated progress, their eyebrows furrowed. But as soon as you and Kylo's heads ducked into the room, all of their eyes stopped on the two of you, their mouths hanging open. Dead silence fell over the room, and you heard a pin drop from one of the nurse's hands, rolling across the floor. Leia was the first to speak, ignoring everyone's shocked expressions. 

"She's injured," She said calmly, gesturing towards your shoulder. One of the nurses standing closest to you finally snapped out of her frozen state, clearing her throat and moving towards you. 

"Oh, yes, we need to get that cleaned right away," She mumbled, taking your arm from Leia and leading you towards one of the cots. As she approached you, she glanced nervously at Kylo, her eyes lingering on him as she pulled you away. She leaned you back carefully on the mattress, resting her hand against your forehead, looking concerned. 

"You feel hot," She mumbled, "I need to take your temperature." You nodded, sighing as you fell back against the soft surface. You could feel Kylo watching you as you closed your eyes, taking in deep breaths as the nurse pressed a cold towel against your face. When your eyes finally fluttered back open, you were met with a bright white light shining into your pupils, making you wince. 

"Did you happen to have a concussion recently?" She said, turning off the light and sitting down on the edge of the cot. Your mind flickered to the memory of Kylo's helmet coming down on your head, your skull feeling as though it had cracked in half.

"I don't think so." You lied, "Why?"

"Your pupils look really dilated." She mumbled, pulling out a thermometer from her robe, "Are you sure you didn't have one?"

"It's possible I did--" You mumbled, fiddling with the hem of your shirt and avoiding Kylo's gaze. She leaned forward, sticking the thermometer into your mouth and resting it under your tongue before you could finish speaking. She left it there, reaching for a bottle of clear liquid and a cloth on the table next to you.

"This will sting." She muttered as she doused the towel in the liquid, looking up at you before she touched it to your shoulder. You nodded, bracing yourself before she began to pat the cloth against your blistered skin, making you wince painfully. You groaned as she began to press harder, your skin feeling as though it was on fire. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched as Kylo shifted uncomfortably, his lips twisting into a frown. 

She's hurting you, he muttered through your mind, his voice threaded with aggravation. 

It's fine, she's helping, you whispered back, cringing and clenching your fists as the pain soaked through your chest. Finally, she stopped, relief washing over you as she pulled back, picking up a roll of gauze. She wrapped it under your armpit and over your shoulder a few times, tying off the end and cutting the excess fabric. She finally pulled the thermometer out of your mouth, observing it with furrowed brows. 

"101." She mumbled, standing up from the cot. "You need to stay here for the night so we can try and break the fever."

"Really?" You said, shaking your head. "No, I-"

"You have to stay." She cut you off, "There's no debate." You huffed, looking over at Kylo with pleading eyes. He stared back at you, silent. But Leia noticed, stepping forward and addressing the nurse. 

"If she needs to stay, I want him to stay with her." She said, resting her hand on Kylo's arm, making him flinch slightly. The nurse opened her mouth to speak, her eyes flicking between the two of you confusedly. 

"But General," She protested, "He's...um--"

"He will stay with her." Leia repeated, ignoring the nurse's words. "There's no debate." The nurse blushed, opening her mouth to speak again but deciding against it. She nodded finally, sighing and walking away, mumbling something undiscernible under her breath. 

"Thank you," You said after a moment, smiling at Leia. 

"Of course," She said, walking over to your bed and leaning down to kiss your forehead. She stood back up, smiling and chucking softly as she looked between you and Kylo. "You see?" She whispered, "I told you you'd love him." She winked at you as she turned and walked out of the tent before you could respond, the door flapping closed behind her. You smiled, your cheeks burning red as you eyed Kylo, who's gaze was still following Leia as she left the room, Poe going after her. Finally, he turned back to you, his shoulders relaxing slightly. He walked over to your cot, standing over you as his shadow cast over your body. You stared up at him, your heart fluttering as he leaned down, sitting at the far edge of the mattress. 

How are you feeling? You asked through your mind, having to resist every urge in you not to reach for his hand. 

Fine. He replied, his eyes on the sheets. She believes us. You paused, sighing, a question bubbling into your mind. 

Is it because we're not lying? You asked carefully, bracing yourself for a bad reaction. But he didn't respond, instead standing back up and moving to the empty cot next to yours, flopping down on his back. 

"You should get some rest," He said, his eyes focused on the tent's ceiling and ignoring your question. You bit your lip, nodding and turning on your side, closing your eyes. You knew you wouldn't be able to sleep, your head swimming with a million thoughts and concerns, but you pretended to anyway. Maybe if you were laying up against his chest, listening to his heartbeat, you'd be able to relax. But that wasn't an option anymore, you reminded yourself, no matter how much it pained you.


	24. Are You Happy?

The sky was cloudy, a cold breeze blowing through the trees as you stepped forward out of the tent, your eyes peeled in the dark night. You glanced down, eyeing the silver hilt in your fist and running your thumb over its surface. The feeling of the cold metal made your skin dance with power, and you gripped it tightly, walking forward into the clearing, light rain beginning to fall on your head. It trickled through your hair, dripping onto your shoulders and seeping into your clothes, weighing you down with the water. But you tread on, your mind made up. There was no turning back now.

You made your way down the thin path through the forest, the tall trees above you shielding you from some of the rainfall. But still, the cold of the night seeped into your bones, sending a shiver through your body as you stomped on, thin twigs crunching under your boots. Finally, the tent appeared before you, the rain bouncing off its surface and rolling down the sides. You felt nothing as you made your way towards it, pulling back the fabric over the door and slipping inside. Water dripped down your face and off the ends of your hair as you tip-toed across the floor, your eyes scanning through the dark room for any signs of life. But you saw none, a smirk creeping over your lips. This should be easy then, you thought to yourself, re-adjusting the hilt of the saber in your fist, anticipation burning in your chest. 

Your fingers traced down the side of the tapestry over her door, pulling back the fabric as you stepped inside, your eyes immediately falling on her sleeping body, her chest rising and falling calmly. She was laying sideways, her face towards you as you walked quietly towards her, the saber begging to be released as you hovered above her. Your shadow cast over her figure in silence, your heart slamming in your chest. You knew you had to do this. You had no choice. It was the only way to become who you were really meant to be. It was the only way you'd finally get what you wanted. 

With a deep breath, you grazed your finger over the button that would ignite it, pressing down as you watched the saber glow to life, crackling and vibrating in your grasp. The red blades emitted a heat that you could still feel from a few feet away as you held it out in front of you, their reflections glowing like lava in your eyes. You admired it for a moment, feeling the power course through your arm and through your whole body, seeping down to your core and settling in your bones--solidifying your decision. 

It had to be done. 

With a sharp inhale, you raised it above your head, watching her sleep below you. Your eyes bulged crazily as you paused above her, the saber sending vibrations through your arms, waiting to be put into action. Your breath hitched in your chest as for a moment--just a moment--you questioned whether this was the right thing to do. But just as quickly as the thought appeared, it was gone, leaving your memory as though it was never there. Finally, you let out a terrible, frenzied scream, driving the blade down and watching as it pierced through her chest just as her eyes flickered open, staring at you with a terrified, shocked gaze. You heaved in struggled, heaving breaths as you met her now dead, petrified eyes, her mouth hanging open in a scream that never got to leave her lips. You pulled the saber out of her with an animalistic growl, her body going completely limp under the seared sheets as you stumbled backwards, your head spinning. You killed the blades, dropping the hilt to the ground as you fell to your knees next to it, slapping your hands over your mouth as you let out another terrible, haunted scream, your voice vibrating against the tent's walls. 

You'd really done it. She was dead. Now there was nothing left to keep you from your destiny. From him. Now you could finally be happy. Really, truly happy...

You sat up abruptly in your cot, your body drenched in sweat as you gasped for breath, your hands digging into the mattress and grabbing balls of the sheets in your fists. Your head was spinning, and hot tears had already appeared in your eyes, streaming down your cheeks like waterfalls. You sobbed to yourself as you peered out into the dark infirmary, feeling confused and lost, your heart rate speeding. What the fuck was that?

"Y/N." Kylo's groggy voice startled you, making you jump as you whipped your head to the side towards him, your eyes wide with panic. Your gaze fell on his face, tired and shadowed by the dark night, his eyes watching you carefully. "What's going on?" You shook your head, staring at him in silence. You opened your mouth to speak, but words refused to form in your brain. Your lip trembled as another sob escaped your lips, making your body shake violently. He moved his body to the side of his cot, his bare feet resting on the ground. He reached forward, his hand resting on your arm comfortingly. "What's going on?" He said again, his voice calm and quiet. You choked, taking in a deep, shaky breath and exhaling. 

"I-" You finally got out, your voice strangled, "I had a dream." 

"About what?" He whispered, his hand sending warmth through your skin. 

"I--I did something terrible." You breathed, quivering, "With your saber." Kylo's eyes flashed in the dark, and he shifted on his cot, leaning towards you. 

"What did you do?" You paused, staring at him with a horrified expression. 

"I killed her." You finally whispered, your words threaded with terror, "I killed her." He watched you with furrowed brows, his gaze flicking over your face. 

"My mother?" He asked, his voice remaining calm. You nodded, another flood of tears pouring down your cheeks. 

"It was like--like I had to do it." You breathed, "Like I didn't have a choice. Something...a feeling, was forcing me. I didn't have a say anymore." He stared at you in silence, his hand still resting on your arm. But suddenly, your head started to buzz. 

Snoke, Kylo's voice seeped into your mind, he's in your head. You blinked at him, your lip quivering. 

It felt so real, you whispered back, peering down at the necklace around your throat. Like I was seeing the future or something. 

That's what he does. Kylo continued, his voice brimming with a worried tone, He'll send you dreams. Visions, to tempt you...to show you what could be. 

But I don't want that, you quivered, I could never do that to her. 

You'd be surprised, Kylo mumbled, his eyes cloudy, what he can get you to do. You stared at him, your heart slamming. 

Is that how he got to you? You whispered. Kylo paused, meeting your gaze before nodding slowly, his jaw clenching tightly. 

Yes. He responded, he showed me what I was capable of. And the power I'd always wanted...He could give it to me. 

But he can't give you happiness, you breathed, he can't give you love. You watched the emotions swim in his irises as he processed your words. You paused, sniffling as your tears started to lessen. Are you happy, Kylo?

Happiness is an illusion, he responded coldly, his expression hardening. Just like love. 

You know that's not true, you pushed, feeling his grip tighten against you. And I don't believe that you think that. 

Maybe not, he mumbled, his hand leaving your arm and resting on his lap, his gaze pulling away from yours, your heart dropping. Silence fell over the two of you, both out loud and in your minds, as Kylo leaned back into his mattress, staring up at the ceiling. 

Do I make you happy? You finally whispered, breaking the stillness. He didn't look at you, but he sighed, shifting on the cot. 

It doesn't matter now. He responded, his voice cold and emotionless. But you did. At his words, your heart fluttered, sending a sense of warmth through your limbs. 

I did?

He nodded, his chest rising and falling slowly. You stared at him, his words lingering in your mind as your heart yanked you towards him desperately. Everything in you screamed to reach for him. To touch him. To kiss him. To make him happy again. And you knew that it wasn't right. You knew that you needed to stay strong. To stay away--for your own well being. Your own happiness. But another part of you knew, that no matter what you did, you'd never truly be happy. Not if you didn't have him. So before you let your brain process what you were doing--before you could talk yourself out of it, you shifted on your cot, swinging your legs over the side and resting your feet against the ground. Kylo eyed you confusedly as you moved, sitting up slightly against the back of his bed. You stood up, taking a single step before swinging one of your legs over Kylo's hips, settling lightly on top of him and pulling your other leg up on the cot. You straddled his waist, your hands reaching forward slowly, slipping under his sweater and tracing up his chest, his breath hitching as your fingers connected with his skin. Your whole body shivered as you touched him, drawing you in with an irresistible, magnetic need. 

"What are you doing?" He whispered, his eyes wide. 

"I can't--I can't stay away from you for any longer." You breathed, leaning down and bringing your face in front of his, your noses grazing against one another. Your eyes locked together for a moment, all the air around you seeming to evaporate as your breath got stuck in your chest, his dark eyes drowning you in lust. You watched in awe as a small smile creeped across his face. 

"You're sure?" He muttered, staring up at you. You nodded. His smile grew, the dimples in his cheeks making you blush. "I missed you," He mumbled quietly before slowly leaning forward and pressing his soft lips against yours, your bodies instantly melting together. You could feel the gash in his lip against your mouth, and the irony taste of dried blood flowed over your taste buds. He buried his fingers in your hair as you pressed against him, your hands roaming his broad chest as you moaned quietly, noticing his hard cock pressing against your leg, straddled over him. He deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping past your teeth and swirling around yours, filling you with warmth. Your focus drifted momentarily to the pendant around your neck, but you didn't care anymore. You pressed against Kylo, your hands drifting his body, making his hips buck towards you. But then he paused, grabbing your wrists and pulling your fingers away from fumbling with the hem of his pants. 

"We can't," He muttered, pulling back from the kiss. 

"Why not?" You giggled quietly, pressing your lips to his again and then down along his chin and neck, making him shiver. 

"Not here," He whispered, sitting up as he wrapped his hands around your waist, resting them at the small of your back. He glanced around, his eyes falling on the other patients, fast asleep across the room. He looked back to you, smirking slightly. "Come on," He mumbled, sliding his body off the side of the cot, taking you with him, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist. He held you up from under your thighs, his hands locked underneath you as he quietly made his way towards the entrance, slipping out into the night. You glanced up, watching the bright stars twinkle in the sky above you, dark clouds rolling around them as Kylo carried you away from the tent, your face buried in his shoulder. 

Finally, he stopped beside a small, concrete building, pressing your back against the hard, scratchy surface. You groaned, but he silenced you with another kiss, sucking in a deep breath through his nose. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders, ignoring the tight, aching pain under your bandage and drawing him closer. Touching him after so long of being apart sent fireworks of pleasure through your limbs, spurring you on as you kissed him feverishly, savoring every second. He pressed you roughly against the wall, his hips bucking towards yours, rubbing your skin against the concrete surface. You could feel his length pressing against the inside of your leg, and you let your hands drift down to the hem of his pants, trying weakly to lower them off his hips. He responded, pulling away from your lips and quickly moving his hands to meet yours, slipping the fabric down his legs to rest at his feet. His cock sprung free, and he fisted it in his grasp, staring at you as his eye twitched, a choked moan coming from his lips. 

"Take off your pants." He said, his eyes flicking over your body, "Now." You nodded, your hands flying to your pants and shoving them down your legs. You had to drop your feet to the ground to get them all the way off, along with your underwear, but you quickly jumped back up, his hands gripping tightly at your ass, his fingers digging into your skin and leaving puffy-red marks behind. You moaned quietly as he returned his mouth to yours, biting lightly at your bottom lip as his tongue pushed past your teeth. His hands slid to your thighs, prying your legs even farther apart as you straddled his body, his cock teasing at your entrance, making you whine annoyedly. 

"You want my cock?" He whispered into your ear, nibbling at your neck. You nodded weakly, sucking in a deep breath as you grabbed at his shirt, your fists clenching as his length dragged through your folds, your cunt throbbing for more. "Beg for it then, whore." He breathed, ghosting his thumb over your clit as he supported your body with his other hand. You screamed, pleasure washing through you as your face went red. 

"Please--" You breath hitched, your face buried in his hair, "Please, Kylo."

"Beg."

"Please--" You screamed, your cheeks burning embarrassingly. But before you could even get the word out all the way, Kylo slammed into you, his cock splitting you open with a forceful thrust. You yelped, your head falling back and smacking against the concrete. But you barely gave it any thought as Kylo pushed deeper into you, a low moan vibrating from his throat. 

"Fuck..." He mumbled as he rocked against you, your back rubbing against the wall as he pushed you up against it, building up a steady rhythm. You threaded your fingertips through his thick hair, grabbing at it for support as he thrusted into you, his breaths getting quicker. The only sound was skin slapping against skin as he pushed you harder against the wall, your shoulder suddenly throbbing as he accidentally pressed against it, making you yelp. 

"Shit," He cursed, pulling back and running his hand gingerly over your bandage, his eyes flickering with concern. You glanced down, watching deep red blood begin to seep through the gauze. You immediately looked back up, the sight of it making you lightheaded as you grabbed around Kylo's shoulders to steady yourself. "We should stop." He mumbled against you, his face buried in your hair as he leaned back against you, avoiding your wound. 

"No!" You whisper-hissed, immediately moving to grab his face in your hands, slamming your lips back against his and forcing your tongue into his mouth. "I don't want to," You breathed between kisses, smiling against him, "I'm fine." You forced the thought of the pain out of your mind, focusing instead on the building pleasure in between your legs, seeping up farther through your body with each passing second. He nodded against you, picking his pace back up, hoisting you up higher around his hips and moving his lips from your mouth to your neck, sucking dark purple marks into your skin. He pushed deeper into you, filling you completely as you moaned, your eyes rolling back in your head. His hand moved back down to your clit, rubbing circles around it and setting your nerves on fire, your voice humming in encouragement. You felt your climax approaching as he slammed into you, stronger now, your breath hitching as your walls clenched around him. 

"Kylo--ugh--" You heaved, your skin tingling and your stomach tightening as you rode the very edge of your orgasm, waiting for it to crash down like a tidal wave at any moment. But suddenly, he slowed down, pulling away from you. 

"Beg me for it, slut." He whispered, his eyes scanning your face.

"But I already--" You protested, but quickly changed your mind at the risk of the moment slipping away. You sighed deeply, trying to catch your breath. "Please," You whined, pulling him back towards you, "Kylo, please."

"Please what?" He teased, speeding back up again. 

"Please," You paused, embarrassed, "Please let me cum."

"Say it louder." He mumbled as his lips traced across your collarbone, sending a shiver through you. 

"Wha--?"

"Say it louder, whore." He interrupted you, reaching up suddenly, his hand wrapping around your throat as he stared at you, his eyes fighting the urge to roll back. "I want to hear you scream my name when you cum." A smile creeped across your lips as you choked for breath under his tight grasp, your head feeling dizzy from lack of oxygen. 

"Please Kylo," You yelled, to the best of your ability, your voice coming out strangled, "Please let me cum!" He thrusted into you, even harder than before, smacking the back of your head painfully against the concrete, white light exploding behind your eyes. The impact barely even phased you as he dug his fingers into the skin on your exposed thighs, making you quiver under his touch. You moaned loudly as his lips suddenly reconnected with yours, his hand leaving your neck. You struggled for breaths as his mouth pulled away from yours momentarily, deep moans coming from his throat. His thrusts started to become sloppier, his orgasm creeping up quickly, and you screamed as his fingers returned to your clit, circling around it and sending waves of pleasure through you, your heart racing. 

"Cum for me now," He whispered against you, "scream my name." Your cheeks burned but you sucked in a deep breath, your eyes rolling back in your head as you finally let yourself go, your orgasm spilling through you, your mind going blank as you were engulfed in a rolling sea of euphoria. 

"Fuck--Kylo--yes..." You moaned as loud as you could, your mouth still pressed feverishly against his as he finally came into you, his breaths ragged and desperate. Your legs shook violently as you stayed wrapped around him, and he continued to thrust in and out of you as he rode the end of his climax, his chest heaving. Slowly, you both winded down, gasping for breath as he pressed your back against the wall, resting his body on yours. You closed your eyes, burying your head back in the crook of his shoulder and reaching your hands up to play with curled strands of his hair at the back of his neck. His strong arms still held your body up around him as he pulled back, his eyes locking with yours as his breathing returned to normal. You watched him glance back down at your shoulder, his gaze darkening as he observed the deep red stain in the bandage, but you quickly cupped his chin in your hands, forcing his gaze back to yours. 

"Don't worry about me." You whispered, offering him a comforting smile. He nodded, quickly planting one last kiss against your lips as he pulled you away from the wall, your back sore and aching. You dropped your legs to the ground, your bare feet sinking into the dirt as you pulled your pants back on, watching Kylo do the same. He tucked himself away, still eyeing you concernedly. 

"Lets get you back to the infirmary," He mumbled. "I can try to clean it up before they see tomorrow morning." You nodded, walking towards him and ignoring the empty ache between your legs. You made your way back to the tent, watching the bright stars disappear above you as you ducked inside, your eyes adjusting to the dark room. Everyone still appeared to be asleep, and you sighed, falling back down on your cot and sinking into the mattress. It was much more comfortable than the wall you'd just been pressed up against. Kylo appeared by the side of your bed, sitting down on the edge and quietly rummaging through the small table next to you, pulling out new gauze, a cloth, and the same liquid from before. You winced. 

"We have to get it cleaned." He whispered. You sighed, moving to pull away the blood soaked bandage at your shoulder. As you tried to remove it, it stuck to your blistered skin like glue, making you lightheaded as it fell away, taking chunks of your skin with it. Kylo didn't flinch as your wound was exposed, sliding closer to you and dousing the towel in the cleaning solution before pressing it lightly against your skin, watching your face as the pain started to soak through you. You sucked in a quick breath through your teeth, but said nothing as Kylo dabbed at it carefully, making sure not to press too hard. He was gently as he pulled the cloth away, grabbing the gauze and laying it over your lesion, wrapping an identical bandage to the one before around it. As he finished, he leaned back, meeting your gaze again in the dark room. But you could still see his eyes perfectly, shining even without the moonlight. 

"Thank you," You breathed, your gaze flicking down to his lips, wet and soft. You thought about leaning in to kiss him, but before you could he nodded, ripping his eyes from yours and turning away towards his cot, laying down on the mattress. You frowned, sighing as you pulled the sheets over your body, hiding your face from view as you turned on your side, facing away from Kylo next to you. As you closed your eyes, you hoped that you wouldn't have another dream. Even more, that you wouldn't regret what you'd chosen to do tonight. Your mind flickered to the pendant around your neck, taunting you with Snoke's presence. As you fell back asleep, the necklace weighing you down like a brick, the thought of Snoke's crippled face burned in your memory, smiling demonically as he watched you with his icy eyes, which never seemed to leave you, even galaxies away.


	25. No Consequences?

You were woken up gently as a hand laid against your leg from over the sheets, a person's weight sitting down on the edge of your cot. You rubbed your tired eyes, blinking away the sleep as your gaze fell on the nurse's shadowed figure, the early morning light just beginning to trickle into the tent behind her. You shifted, sleepily pushing yourself up against the back of the bed as her gaze fell on your shoulder. She furrowed her brow. 

"How are you feeling?" She asked in a whisper, glancing around the room at everyone else, who all still appeared to be fast asleep. Even Kylo was still knocked out in the bed next to you, a faint snore escaping his lips as he laid flat on his back. You smirked at him, but turned back to the nurse.

"Better." You said quietly, sitting up all the way.

"I'm glad." She sighed, pausing. "Did you do something to your bandage? It looks funny." You tried your best not to smirk at the memory of the night before, your face blushing deep red. But in the darkness of the room, she probably couldn't see. You hoped. 

"No," You said innocently, looking down at it, "Haven't touched it."

"Hm." She said dismissively, suddenly reaching into her white lab coat and pulling out a thermometer. "Open." She ordered, leaning forward and shoving the cold tip into your mouth, resting it underneath your tongue. She let it sit there for a moment, still eyeing your bandage suspiciously. But she didn't say anything else about it, instead waiting for the thermometer to start to beep, reaching forward and yanking it from your mouth. 

"100." She said, sounding almost aggravated as she observed the results. "At least it went down a little." You nodded as she leaned forward again, this time digging into the side table and pulling out a white cloth. She stood, quickly walking to the back of the room and running it under the sink before returning to your bedside and pressing it to your forehead. She let it fall over your eye sockets, the cold fabric feeling amazing against your skin. You sighed, the chill sinking into you relaxingly. 

"I'll be back in a few hours to check on you again," The nurse said from your bedside, and you began to hear her footsteps walk away from you. But suddenly, something in you told you to sit up again, calling for her. 

"Wait!" You whisper-hissed, her tread stopping and moving back towards you.

"Yes?"

"I forgot to ask your name." You said stupidly.

"Oh." She said, "Jina."

"Nice to meet you Jina." You said, "My name's Y/N." As you spoke, you heard her gasp quietly. "What?" You questioned, reaching up to move the cloth off your eyes. When your gaze fell on her, she looked like she'd seen a ghost--which you kind of were. 

"Y/N...like, best friends with Quill Fawner Y/N?" Quill. At the mention of his name, your blood instantly ran cold and you leaned forward, your eyes wide. 

"You knew Quill?" You breathed, your mouth hanging open. She nodded vigorously, sitting down on the edge of your bed again. 

"Yes!" She whispered, smiling from ear to ear. "He...we, um, we were kind of a thing."

"Oh!" You said, shocked. Quill always told you everything. Why had you never heard about her before? "Really?"

"Mhm." She nodded, smiling shyly. "At least, you know...until he got--" Her lips thinned into a straight line, and she looked down at her lap, sadness falling over her expression. Your heart dropped, but you reached towards her, laying your hand on top of hers. "Do you know what happened to him?" She asked slowly, meeting your gaze. You sighed. 

"Oh...um, we were both taken back to Starkiller after we were captured, but for a while we didn't know that we were both there. Then when we finally saw each other again we just couldn't believe it...I'd thought he was dead. Just like everyone else..." You gulped, fighting the lump starting to form in your throat. "I got to talk to him for a while, but then--" You weren't sure how to explain. I killed a trooper trying to protect him and I never saw him again? "We got separated, and I'm not sure what happened to him. I'm so sorry. I wish I could tell you more."

"No, I'm so sorry." She said, putting her other hand on top of yours, smiling weakly at you. "I know how close the two of you were." You nodded, your heart lurching painfully. But for some reason, a small part of you wouldn't let you mourn him. Not yet. A flare of something burst to life in your heart as you spoke about him. A feeling, strong and begging to be acknowledged, bubbled into your consciousness. 

"I think..." You started, tears brimming in your waterline, "No--I know. I know he's still alive."

"How can you be sure?" She whispered, her eyes flashing hopefully.

"A feeling." You said, squeezing her hand in yours. She smiled, nodding. 

"I hope you're right." A wave of confidence washed over you, curing the ache in your heart. It felt as though your body was brought back to life after so long of being asleep. 

"I am."

~a few hours later~

Kylo shifted next to you, sitting up lethargically and rubbing his eyes. You smirked as you observed a line drawn in his face from how he'd been laying on the mattress, going across the side of his cheek and ending at his nose. He looked over at you as you snickered, his gaze fogged with sleep. 

"What?" He grumbled, his voice groggy and scratchy. 

"Nothing." You smiled, adjusting the wet cloth over your forehead.

"When did you get that?" He mumbled, shifting his legs to hang off the side of the cot towards you. 

"The nurse came by earlier." You sighed, a more pressing subject nipping at the back of your mind. You sighed, turning towards him as your eyes locked together. "I need to ask you something." He nodded, waiting. "You know that day that you stopped me in the hall, back at the base? Right after I started training for my new...job." Kylo paused, biting his lip, but then nodded again. 

"Yes."

"Do you remember who I was with then?"

"Another prisoner." He said simply, running a hand through his messy hair. 

"Yes, but that other prisoner...he was a friend of mine. From back at my old camp." Kylo stared at you, appearing unaffected--almost bored by the conversation.

"Why is this important?" He asked, sighing.

"Because he's my friend." You said, glaring at him. "And I want to know what happened to him." Kylo furrowed his brow. 

"Why would I know?" He grumbled, "I don't concern myself with random prisoners."

"Oh really?" You rolled your eyes, gesturing to yourself. Kylo looked down at his lap, his jaw clenching. 

"You were different."

"Can you find out what happened to him?" You pressed on, searching for his gaze again. "Please? At least try."

"Are you sure you want to know?" Kylo looked up at you, his eyes thinned. "You might not like what I discover." You gulped, nodding. 

"Yes." You said confidently, the same feeling from earlier spurring you on. You were sure he was still alive. You were sure of it. 

"Fine." Kylo sighed, "I'll try." You smiled at him.

"Thank you." Just as your words left your mouth, the tent's entrance flew open, and you spun around just in time to see Poe storm inside. His expression was cheery, at least until his gaze fell on Kylo sitting next to you, at which time his lips curled into a deep frown, his eyes thinning into slits. 

"Y/N." He addressed you as he stopped at the side of your bed, still eyeing Kylo. "Ben." His mocking tone was clear, and you sighed.

"Poe..." You shook your head. "Please."

"I'm being perfectly civil." He retorted, looking down at you. "How you feeling?"

"Fine." You rolled your eyes, "Where's Leia?"

"In her tent. Speaking of that, she wanted the two of you to go see her whenever you were feeling better." You nodded, glancing over at Kylo. Your heart dropped as you remembered your dream from the night before, weighing on your mind like a sack of bricks as Kylo stared back at you. 

"I feel fine now." You lied, ignoring the churning of your stomach. 

"You have a fever." Kylo mumbled, avoiding Poe's glare. 

"I'm fine." You said again, pulling the sheets off your body and shifting your legs over the side of the cot. You stepped onto the floor, your bare feet cold against the ground. "Come on." You flicked you hand, motioning for Kylo to follow you as you stood, slipping on your boots and making your way towards the door. You heard him stand up behind you, his footsteps following your path to the exit, the two of you ducking out into the clearing. The sun shined brightly into your eyes, and you squinted, raising your hand to cover your pupils as the rays warmed your skin. A sweet smelling breeze blew around you, and the crisp morning air entered your lungs as you took in deep breaths, exhaling slowly. Fog was sprawled out on the forest floor and seeped into the clearing, covering the ground in a misty haze. Your feet moved through it as it swirled around your ankles, cutting out a path as you made your way forward. You glanced up at the sky, which was completely clear, the sun peaking over the tops of the trees and shining down on the camp, warming the air and curing the goosebumps appearing on your arms. You peered sideways at Kylo, who was now walking next to you, his gaze focused intensely on the ground. 

"You okay?" You asked, shifting closer to him. 

"Fine." He said shortly, his voice still gravely from sleep. 

"What do you think she wants to talk about?" You pressed on, ignoring his aggravation threaded in his tone. "She still believes us, right?"

"Yes." His voice rose a bit, and you flinched, clenching your jaw and looking down at the path in front of you. Defeat sunk into your bones, but you fought yourself not to get upset. 

"Why do you..." You started to say something, but stopped yourself. Now was not the time to get into a fight. You sighed. "Never mind." He didn't respond--didn't even look at you. He just kept walking, his fists balled at his sides. Eventually, you started down the path to Leia's tent, the same sunny pattern dotted along your skin like tiny stars as the rays shined through the canopy above you. Out of the corner of your eye, you admired the way it illuminated Kylo's face, his dark eyes catching the light as he finally looked up towards the treetops. Whether he was being an asshole or not, he was still gorgeous. 

Eventually, the tent appeared in front of you, the symbol of the Resistance catching your eye again. You took a deep breath, hoping that neither Kylo nor Leia would be able to hear the loud slamming of your heartbeat. You plastered a fake smile across your face, heading towards the door and pulling back the fabric. You stepped inside, Kylo at your heels, to find Leia sitting at the table, her shoulders haunched over as she feverishly scribbled at a scroll, seeming not to notice your appearance. You cleared your throat awkwardly as you stood at the entryway, nervous sweat appearing under your arms. Leia looked up, her brows furrowed, but immediately, her expression softened, a smile coming to her lips. 

"How are you feeling?" She asked quietly, waving you towards her, "I hope they didn't give you too much trouble after I left."

"I feel much better," You said, slipping into the chair next to her and glancing at Kylo over your shoulder. He stalked to the same chair he'd sat in the day before, all the way at the other end of the table. You had to fight the urge to roll your eyes. "And no, they were fine."

"I'm glad." She sighed, sitting up straight and turning her gaze towards Kylo, who was still staring at the ground. "I wanted to talk to the two of you again," She started, thumbing the scroll sprawled out on the table, "To understand more of what's going on." You kept the fake smile, but inside, your stomach was doing acrobatics, a wave of nausea washing through you. 

"Sure." You said with fake confidence.

"First of all," Leia chuckled, leaning back, "What's this?" She gestured jokingly between you and Kylo, the dimples in her cheeks poking through as she laughed. Your entire body felt as though it was going to melt from how hot your cheeks were burning. 

"What do you mean?" You choked out stupidly.

"Come on." She shook her head, "Don't try to tell me that there's not something going on here."

"We're friends." You lied, sounding as unconvincing as ever, "That's all."

"Hm." Leia chuckled, "If you say so." You wanted to look over at Kylo, to watch his reaction, but you were too frozen with embarrassment to even try. "Anyway," She continued, "I wanted to know more about how you escaped."

"Oh, um--" You started, but before you could finish, the sound of Kylo's voice stopped you.

"I told Snoke that I would be leaving...For a raid on a village that we suspected to be connected to the rebel cause. I snuck her out to the ship during the night. There was no resistance." You stared at him, your heart slamming.

"Hm." Leia sighed, looking back to you with hardened, serious eyes. You shivered. "There's just one thing I don't understand." You fought to keep your expression blank. Calm.

"What's that?"

"Why would he help you?" Leia questioned, leaning forwards. "I mean, out of all the prisoners I'm sure Starkiller has...Why you?" The question took you a little by surprise, and for a moment, you froze, lost in your own thoughts. Why had he helped you? Because he wanted someone to fuck? Because he was tired of the life he'd chosen? Maybe because deep down, even though he'd never admit it, he genuinely cared? For a moment, you really weren't sure. But then a realization hit you, snapping you out of your daydreams as you focused back on Leia. 

"Because I reminded him of home." You breathed, "I reminded him of you. I forced him remember who he was before." Leia stared at you, her eyes clouded with thought. "For a while, I didn't know his real name." You continued, "I had no idea who he was. But when I found out, it all made so much sense." Leia's eyes danced over to Kylo, who was now staring at you too, his eyes swimming with a million emotions. 

"So," Leia sighed, "What do we do now?"

"What do you mean?" You questioned. 

"There's no doubt Snoke will be after the two of you. If he hasn't figured it out already, he will soon." You looked at Kylo, who refused to meet your gaze. Leia continued, "We had an attack planned, but now that the two of you are here, I'm not sure if its a good idea anymore." As she mentioned the attack, you wrapped your hand tightly around the pendant, attempting to muffle any sound that Snoke could be hearing. But just as you did, a small shock zapped through your hand, making you jump slightly. Leia eyed you suspiciously, but Kylo spoke up, bringing her attention back to him.

"He has no idea where we are." Kylo mumbled, his gaze back on the ground. "I'm sure of it."

"Well I'm not." Leia shook her head, suddenly standing up from the table and beginning to pace. She finally turned back to you, sighing. "I'm sorry," She said, "I want to trust what you're telling me." You gulped, feeling dread start to sink into your bones. "But Snoke is a powerful man." Leia continued, "And I can't just believe that he doesn't have a hold on you." 

"He doesn't." Kylo stated, finally looking up at her. His tone was tinted with anger, building up inside him as his voice raised slightly. You eyed him, sending a thought into his mind. Stay calm, you whispered, your defensiveness is not helping. His shoulders slumped as his eyes met yours, passing a silent agreement between the two of you. 

"Then you'll have to prove it." Leia sighed. Suddenly, she walked towards you. "What's that?" Your heart nearly stopped as she reached her hand out, pointing towards the pendant around your neck. 

"A necklace." You said, trying to sound as convincing as possible. 

"I've never seen it before." Leia continued, "Who gave it to you?"

"My friend. Back at the old base."

"Really." Leia said, tilting her head. "So you wouldn't mind taking it off? Just so I can take a closer look at it."

"Oh--I," You stuttered, "I, um, I'd really rather keep it on."

"I'll give it right back after I make sure it's safe. I'm sorry, I wish I didn't have to question you like this." You opened your mouth to speak, but what could you say? You looked over at Kylo with desperate, pleading eyes. He stared back at you, the same look of frozen horror in his irises. You turned back to Leia slowly, looking up at her as your heartbeat slammed, making you feel lightheaded. 

"Okay." You finally whispered, your voice coming out choked. Your hands trembling, you reached back, your fingertips connecting with the necklace's clip at the nape of your neck. You had no idea what would happen to you if you took it off. Could you even take it off? It had shocked you when you tried to muffle the sound of your conversation. You could only imagine that what was about to happen would be much worse. Visibly shaking, you fumbled with the tiny lock, your fingers finally gripping the release. Taking one last, terrified look at Kylo, you closed your eyes, finally pulling the latch apart and unlocking it from around your throat. You waited for something--anything to happen. You expected for it to crackle to life in your hands, to send bolts of electricity through your body. But it did nothing. The chain and the pendant at the end dangled in your grasp as you stared at it with wide, confused eyes. But quickly you remembered that Leia was watching you, and you cleared your throat, handing it to her as if it was just another piece of jewelry. 

"Thank you." She said, tucking it into her jacket. "I'm sorry again."

"It's fine." You breathed, distracted as you continued to wait for something to happen. Maybe it would explode? Shoot out poisonous gas? Anything? But still, nothing changed. It stayed in her pocket, not appearing to react at all. You furrowed your brow, slumping back in your chair. There was no way you could just take it off with no consequences. But after a few more moments of normalcy, you shook your head, sighing with relief. Maybe nothing would happen after all. 

You smiled weakly at Leia, about to open your mouth to speak again, when suddenly, a strong wave of nausea washed over you, your face going pale. You quickly smacked a hand over your mouth, feeling the vomit bubble up in your throat, but it was too late. You tried to hold it in, but you couldn't, keeling over and emptying out your stomach onto the floor as you heard Leia gasp quietly. You choked, your arms wrapped around your stomach as you gasped for breath, your head suddenly burning. Before you could even look back up, Kylo was by your side, his hand pulling back your hair as you gagged again, feeling humiliated as he and Leia watched you empty out your system. 

"I'm so sorry," You choked as you finally felt the nausea lessen, "I don't know what happened."

"You still have a fever." Kylo mumbled, "I knew you should have stayed in the infirmary."

"I was feeling better." You sighed as Leia showed up by your side, offering you a towel to wipe your face. You smiled at her, embarrassment clouding your vision as you took the cloth, dabbing at your lips. "I'm so sorry again," You whispered as Kylo let go of your hair, stepping away from you.

"Don't worry about it," Leia comforted you, laying a hand on your back. "You just go get some rest. I'm sure it's been a stressful few days." 

"Thank you," You nodded, standing up and smiling once more at Leia before you turned, walking towards the door, Kylo at your heels. As the two of you ducked out of the tent, you caught one last glimpse of Leia, looking down at the pendant in her hand. You shivered. 

You and Kylo walked along the path in dead silence, tension filling the air like a thick fog. But finally, he exhaled sharply through his nose, turning to you. 

"This isn't good." He murmured, his dark eyes piercing through you, filled with worry.

"What--the necklace?"

"Yes." He shook his head, "You shouldn't have taken it off."

"I had no choice!" You protested, "What was I supposed--"

"I know." He cut you off, flicking his hand toward you. "But Snoke will know." Kylo paused, his voice dropping, "And he'll come for us."


	26. I Can't Lose You

"What do you mean?" You whispered, terror strangling the words in your throat.

"He'll come." Kylo muttered, his voice low, "He was already suspicious of us, but now...We don't have much time."

~a few hours later~

"How long?" Leia breathed, her eyes swimming with thoughts, her eyebrows furrowed worriedly.

"A few hours." Kylo mumbled, "Maybe less."

"I'm so sorry," You choked, "I didn't mean for any of this to happen, I had no choice. I wanted to tell you, I really--"

"Y/N don't blame yourself," Leia sighed, shaking her head as she flopped down exhaustedly into a chair around her table, "I know how Snoke works." She eyed Kylo, a film of sadness casting over her pupils. You drooped your head, still feeling guilty even as she reassured you. The nausea from earlier was still present as you stood next to Kylo's looming figure, breathing deeply as your stomach threatened to empty again. Jina had given you something to help with it, but so far, it wasn't working. You held it in nonetheless, running your hands through your hair stressfully. "We have to warn the rest of the camp." She said, standing up again and walking towards the door. As she reached the exit, she turned back to the two of you, pausing. "I'm glad you told me." You realized that she wasn't really looking at you, but at Kylo, who's face was stiff and emotionless, as usual. "You didn't have to." She said with a small smile before she ducked out into the open, leaving the two of you alone. Her words echoed in your mind, making you pause for a moment. Why had he wanted to warn her? If he was still loyal to Snoke, then wouldn't he want this to happen? Unless...You looked up at him, searching his expression. His irises flickered with something amid the dark color. It was the same thing you'd seen in them time and time again, but you hadn't been able to name. Every time you'd noticed it before, it had given you hope. And it still did now. You leaned towards him, your hand resting tentatively on his arm. 

"Kylo," You breathed, searching for his gaze. As you spoke, he looked down at you, his eyes flicking over your face and finally locking with yours. "What's going to happen?" He stared at you, silent for a moment, before exhaling sharply, his jaw clenching. 

"We're going to have to fight."

"But...who's side are you fighting on?" You whispered, your gaze pleading. He paused, mulling your words over as you prepared yourself for more disappointment. More heartbreak. You weren't sure why you'd even asked. You knew what the answer would be. But surprisingly, his expression softened, his lips parting slightly as he opened his mouth to respond. 

"Yours," He breathed, his face lowering towards yours, "I will not lose you." Your breath caught in your throat as your forehead pressed against his lightly, your nerves dancing with shock and exhilaration. You couldn't believe what he was saying.

"I thought you said that if you had to, then you'd have to choice but to--"

"Stop," Kylo interrupted you, his hands reaching around your waist and pulling your body toward his, "Nothing will get in my way of protecting you." Your heart was slamming so loud that you were sure the entire camp could hear it, the pulse reverberating through your body. "Nothing." He leaned forward again, his lips pressing up against yours in a soft, fragile kiss, your entire body shaking. His hands moved up from your waist to your chin, cupping your face in his hands as he held you to him, his thumb rubbing lightly against your cheek. He kept you there for a moment, the world seeming to freeze around you as if you were the only two people in the entire galaxy. In that moment, nothing could hurt you. Nothing could tear the two of you apart. You were two souls who had felt lost for so long, finally having found solace in each others arms, safe from the realities of your lives. There were no titles. No obligations. No dangers. Just bliss. You never wanted to let him go as he breathed against you, your heartbeats melting together into a cohesive rhythm. But finally, he pulled away, keeping your face cupped in his grasp. His eyes locked with yours again, and your lips trembled as his left them. 

"We need to go back to the ship," Kylo whispered, tucking a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. "I need my saber, and you need a weapon."

"I don't even know how to--"

"I'll show you." He said, leaning away from you and ushering you towards the door, the two of you ducking out in to the forest. You rushed quickly down the pathway back to camp, making your way into the clearing and speeding through the cluster of tents. You ran back into the overgrown forest, the canopy shielding you from the sun, trying desperately to remember how Poe had brought you here. Everything looked the same, just like the winding halls back at Starkiller, and you groaned frustratedly. 

"This way," Kylo mumbled, grabbing your wrist and yanking you forwards through the trees. You had to run to keep up with his regular strides, and as he picked up his pace, you had to sprint, sweat beading at your forehead as you tore through the thick foliage, huge leaves whipping at your face. After what felt like forever, your finally rushed into the clearing, the ship appearing before you. Kylo yanked you towards it, his grip tightening around your wrist. With a flick of his hand, the ramp began to lower, creaking with its usual metal groan. As soon as it connected with the ground, the two of you rushed inside, the shadow of the inside of the ship cooling your body. You ran down the hallway, Kylo busting the second door open as you sped into the main room, your hurried footsteps echoing against the metal walls. Kylo walked to the main control panel, flicking his hand to the side again as a hidden cabinet revealed itself, spilling out onto the ground. A black bag fell from inside it, the clang of something solid hitting the floor. He grabbed at it, frantically pulling out the hilt of his saber, his hand wrapping tightly around it as he eyed it, his gaze shifting. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared down at it in his grip, his shoulders tensing.

"What?" You asked, stepping towards him.

"I..." He paused, his eyes darkened, "I don't know what I'm doing."

"What do you mean?" You moved towards him again, but he didn't seem to notice you. He was too focused on the saber, his gaze locked on it. 

"If I kill him...then who am I?" He muttered thoughtfully, though it seemed like he was talking more to himself than to you. 

"Who are you?" You questioned, only standing about five feet away from him now.

"He made me Kylo Ren." He mumbled, shaking his head, "And I know I'll never be who I used to be. I'm not--I'm not Ben Solo anymore...So if I kill him, who am I?"

"You'll be the same person." You said, reaching forward and laying your hand against his on the saber, "And I'll still love you. No matter what your name is." He finally looked up at you, his raven eyes softening slightly. 

"I don't understand you." He whispered, his voice deep, "How can you love me? I've given you no reason to." You paused, staring at him as a small smile came to your lips.

"You have." You gripped his hand tighter, standing on your tip toes to plant a quick kiss against his lips. But as you went to pull away, he dropped the saber, wrapping his hands around the back of your neck and holding you to him. You smiled widely against his mouth, your heart burning warmly as his hands moved up into your hair, tracing along your scalp. He let you go after a moment, his hands resting at the small of your back as he gazed down at you.

"No matter what my name is," He smirked, "I still know how to fight." You laughed as his hands left your body and he leaned down to pick up the hilt of the saber, tossing it up a few times before locking it into position at his side. "You need a weapon." You nodded, stepping back as Kylo suddenly made his way across the room, ducking into one of the smaller spaces and disappearing behind the wall. You waited for him, peering around. Your eyes landed on the control panel, and you smirked, remembering your back pressed up against the console as Kylo slammed into you, rocking you back and forth...You were snapped out of your thoughts as Kylo came back into the room, a small white blaster in one hand and a silver dagger covered in a brown leather sheath in the other. He handed them to you as if you had any idea how to use either one. 

"Keep the dagger hidden." He said, "Tuck it into your pants." You nodded, concealing it in the fabric over your hip, the leather rubbing against your skin. "With the blaster, make sure the safety is off," He dragged his fingertip over a small switch, "aim, and shoot."

"You make it seem simple." You chuckled, gulping. 

"It is." He reassured you, "And remember, you've used one before." Your mind flickered back to the memory of the dead trooper, collapsed against the wall, white smoke pouring from his chest as you stood shaking in front of him, the blaster in your trembling grasp. 

"Oh," You said guiltily, "Yeah, right." Kylo chuckled softly, walking past you and back towards the door, making his way out in the hallway. The saber gleamed at his side, and you paused for a moment before following him, gripping the blaster tightly and taking a few deep breaths. You weren't exactly sure what was coming. But you were sure it would be bad. You had the same sinking feeling that you'd had that day on Starkiller, when Hux had said that he had other ways of making you talk. That moment seemed so far in the past now, like it was years ago. But really, it hadn't been long at all. You shook your head, rushing after Kylo into the hallway, heading down the ramp and stepping back onto the forest floor, the sun's heat instantly beating back down on you. Kylo was already strides ahead of you, and you had to jog to catch up to him, his shoulders rising and falling with his deep breaths. 

"He's close." He grumbled, his fists clenching. "I can feel him." You shivered, fear sinking into your bones. 

"Kylo," You mumbled, "If this goes bad--"

"It won't." He cut you off, trudging forward, "I won't let anything happen to you." You bit your lip, desperately wanting to believe him. 

You continued to rush through the lush forest, struggling to find your way back to the camp. But finally, the first of the tents appeared before you, and you ran into the clearing, blaster in hand. Your gaze was met with a much different scene than when you'd left. Groups of people were hurrying between the tents in tight formation, uniforms on and weapons in hand. You caught a quick glimpse of Poe, clothed in his pilot's uniform, pulling his helmet over his head as he rushed deeper into the camp, back towards where the x-wings were kept. You took a deep breath, praying that it wouldn't be the last time you got to see him alive. You shook your head as you watched Kylo walk by you, ushering for you to follow him. You made your way past the infirmary, glancing inside to see Jina, fumbling hurriedly with the side tables, pulling out supplies and running into the back of the tent. But you couldn't look for long, Kylo yanking you away from the door and rushing you deeper into the camp. His eyes scanned frantically over your surroundings as he paused, spinning around and glancing down at you. 

"We need to find my mother." He said, and you nodded, turning back around to search for her. But luckily, just as you did, you saw her, walking quickly towards the two of you, a black blaster in her hand. 

"We're ready." She panted as she stopped in front of you, "We have pilots suited up and everyone is armed and prepared to fight."

"Good." Kylo said, "He's almost here." Kylo paused, glancing down at the saber in his hand, a far away look in his eyes. "He's here for me." He mumbled, his eyes focused on the hilt, "I'll deal with him myself."

"If you need backup, we're all ready to defend you." Leia reassured him as he nodded, a small smile on his lips. 

"Thank you." He said quietly, meeting her eyes for a moment before he moved past her, pulling your wrist along with him. You smiled back at Leia as he yanked you away from her, who did the same, the familiar dimples in Kylo's cheeks showing up in hers. He led you back to the front of the camp, his eyes focused on the canopy line, his jaw clenched tightly. He stood there in the clearing, his hand still wrapped tightly around your wrist, watching for the slightest movement in the trees. A bird flew out from one of the branches, and he flinched, sucking a quick breath in through gritted teeth. 

"Kylo," You said, laying your hand on top of his. He looked down surprisedly at you as if he'd forgotten you were there, scanning your face as if was the last time he'd ever get to see it. You shivered. "It's gonna be okay." He stared at you, his eyes flashing with thinly veiled terror. 

"I know." He lied, his lips thinning into a straight line as he looked back up at the sky, scanning for movement. You looked behind you as he did, watching as what seemed like hundreds of resistance fighters formed into defensive lines behind the two of you, blasters at the ready. You gulped, trying to steady your breathing as you turned back around, shifting closer to Kylo. 

The waiting seemed to drag on for hours, even though in reality it was probably only a few minutes. But as everyone got into position, dead silence fell over the clearing, your own heartbeat the only identifiable sound in your ears, besides a few birds chirping in the trees around you. At every small movement in the forest, everyone's eyes darted in the direction of the sound, blasters cocked readily. But still, nothing came. You heard whispers behind you as you waited, your whole body quivering. 

"What are we even waiting for?"

"I'm not sure."

"I heard something about Snoke."

"Why are we even defending him? How can we trust that he won't turn on us again?"

"Leia trusts him."

"I don't."

You closed your eyes for a moment, trying to block out their words. You hoped Kylo wasn't listening, but his grip tightened around your wrist, making you wince. You were about to say something, but suddenly you heard a sound. Something other than birds, or whispers. 

A low whirring began to reverberate through the air, the hair on the back of your neck sticking up as you scanned the skyline, looking for any change. You couldn't see anything, but the sound grew louder and louder as the seconds passed, your stomach doing flips. Kylo suddenly let go of your wrist, stepping forward farther out into the clearing, his eyes thinned. 

"He's here." He whispered, his grip on his saber tightening. You gulped, nodding as the noise continued to increase, a flock of birds shooting up out of the trees. As they did, something finally appeared in the sky, far off in the distance, but approaching quickly. You could hear the blasters cocking behind you, the whispers stopping abruptly. The object came farther into view, and you quickly realized that it wasn't just one, but three large ships, hurtling towards the camp. You gripped the blaster tighter in your hand, holding it out in front of you and aiming towards the sky as everyone behind you did the same. Kylo eyed his saber once more, tracing his thumb over the hilt as he jolted it sideways, the blades crackling to life with a fiery growl. The glow reflected in his eyes, painting his pupils red as he stared down at it for a moment before looking back towards the approaching threat, his shoulders tensing. 

The ships hurled towards you, their sound growing so loud that your ears began to ring, the ground below you shaking as they grew closer, almost directly above the camp now. They hovered over you for a moment before slowly lowering towards the ground, the landing gear extending. Your hands were sweating around the grip of your gun, your finger resting on the trigger as you pointed up at them. You weren't sure if you were supposed to shoot yet, but no one else was, so you held off. 

"Wait until the doors open!" Someone called from behind you, "Blasters at the ready!" You took in a deep breath, glancing between Kylo and the ships, now hovering directly above the ground, the landing gear beginning to touch down onto the forest floor in front of you. The metal dug into the dirt, the ground shaking violently as the ships connected with the surface, settling into place about a hundred meters from you and Kylo. As the ships finally stopped landing, silence again fell over the clearing as you waited with bated breath for the first ramp to lower. You weren't sure what would come out, but you held your blaster out in front of you at the ready, your hands shaking violently. 

Finally, the familiar metallic creak sounded through the forest, and your heart skipped a beat as the opening started to lower, white smoke pouring from the edges. It seemed to move in slow motion as it groaned open, fear pounding through your blood. But as soon as the ramp sunk down enough to see inside, you heard a scream, and all at once, hundreds of blasters began to shoot off around you, aimed towards the ship's opening. You did the same, your fingers buzzing as you pulled the trigger, some of shots connecting with the side of the ship and some getting into the entrance. The ramp finally lowered all the way, and as soon as it did, your gaze was met with the faces of dozens of battalions of stormtroopers, rushing out of the ship and into the clearing, blasters cocked towards you. They shot in your direction as they ran, a full on battle breaking out before you could even blink. You froze for a moment, fear controlling you before you were quickly snapped out of it, Kylo lunging in front of you, blocking a shot to your chest with his saber. It absorbed into his crackling blade, and you stared at him, eyes wide with terror. He regarded you quickly before returning his gaze to the battlefield, suddenly rushing forward towards the approaching troopers. 

He sped towards them, his saber crackling furiously as he blocked more shots with it, spinning it around his body as he reached the first few troopers, lunging towards them and driving the fiery blade through their armor, slicing through them one by one. You watched him in awe out of the corner of your eye as you continued to fire your blaster, dodging shots and trying to keep the battalions from reaching the front lines. Kylo was like an animal, growling furiously as he ravaged the troopers, their bodies falling like dominos as he struck them down with ease. They were no match for him and his saber, cutting them down like trees as he made his way closer and closer to the first ship, his limbs swinging widely. You caught a glimpse of his face as he drove his blade through another one's chest, his eyes wild and crazed, his lips curled into a furious snarl, teeth bared. 

As you continued to fire towards the battalion, you glanced over your shoulder at the resistance fighters behind you, your blood going cold as your eyes fell on countless dead bodies, smoky wounds blistering along their skin. Voices echoed through the front lines as people shouted orders and wailed with pained screams, the sounds of blasters and cries mixing together in a terrible buzz. You stared at them, your entire body freezing over as hot tears came to the corners of your eyes, threatening to pour down your face. But you held them back, knowing that if you didn't focus, you'd end up just like them. You whipped back around, a terrible scream pouring from your throat as you charged forward, your blaster hot as you shot towards the troopers, striking them in the chest before they reached you. Adrenaline and anger spurred you on, your entire body buzzing with a new energy. 

Kylo continued to tear through them, his saber glowing dangerously as he slashed his way forward, his humanity long gone. He was an animal, slicing them down without hesitation as you watched him in awe. You tried your best to make a dent in the attackers, your blaster heating up in your grasp as you shot haphazardly at them. As you did, the number of troopers finally started to slim, hope sparking in you as you continued forward. But that fiery spit of hope was quickly snuffed out as the second ship's ramp began to lower, fear shooting through you. A second battalion of trooper's spilled from the ship's mouth, their blasters larger and aimed straight at you. For a moment, you considered running backwards, behind the front line. But you stopped yourself, taking a deep breath and digging the back of your heel into the dirt. You weren't moving. Shots landed around your body as you dodged them, firing straight at their chests. You struck a few of them, their corpses collapsing to the ground with a thud. 

Suddenly, a new sound came from above you, and you glanced up quickly, blood going cold again as you feared a new attack. But luckily, the familiar sight of a X Wing met your gaze, hovering just above the battlefield. You realized terrifyingly that you were directly in the target zone, but before you could get out of the way, the ships' guns began to fire on the attackers all at once, blowing up the ground under the troopers feet. They flew into the air, landing with loud cracks back against the earth as you scrambled backwards quickly, trying desperately to avoid the explosions. Dirt and grass sprayed up around you as you stumbled back to the front lines, shielding your eyes from the falling debris. When the dust finally cleared, only a dozen few troopers remained, struggling back to their feet and picking their blasters back up to defend themselves as the resistance fighters continued to fire on them. You did the same, but at the same time your eyes scanned the battlefield frantically, searching for the glow of Kylo's saber in the clearing. Your heart slammed as you struggled to locate it, your breath beginning to hitch as panic set in. Where was he?

Thankfully, your gaze finally fell on Kylo's crazed figure, tearing through more troopers, saber hot and crackling. You sighed, lowering your guard for a split second as you watched him. Big mistake. 

As soon as your blaster lowered, a searing pain shot through your leg, knocking you backwards and throwing you to the ground. You landed flat on your back, the wind knocking out of you as you tried to scream, but your voice didn't come out at all. You tried weakly to sit up, to look at the damage on your leg, but you couldn't move, your body paralyzed for a moment. You could feel the skin above your knee sizzling, the smell of burning flesh entering your nose with a sickening waft. You gagged, forcing your body up as you stared down at your wound, the sight of it making you even more nauseated. Your skin blistered and boiled, your pant's fabric seared away in a gaping hole. You wanted to collapse back to the ground. To close your eyes and fade away. But you knew that if you didn't get up now, you would die here. And you had something to live for now. 

You gritted your teeth painfully, sitting all the way up and searching frantically for your blaster, thrown a few feet from you. You rolled over, grabbing it again and hoisting yourself up on your arms, your chest pointed towards the ground. Gasping, you pushed yourself up on your knees, your wound throbbing in resistance. But you ignored it, standing up on your good leg first before adding the other, struggling into an upright position. Your knees wobbled underneath you, but you stayed up, pointing your blaster back towards the troopers and firing again, hot, painful tears streaming down your face. Your vision was blurred, both from the pain and the tears, but you tried to blink it away, your mind spinning deliriously. 

The only thing you could still see clearly was Kylo's saber, the red glow standing out against the neutral colors of the clearing. You locked your gaze onto it, trying to refocus your eyes, and after a few moments, the blur went away, your clear vision returning just as you looked forward to see a trooper rushing in your direction, blaster pointed at your head. But you beat him to the strike, firing and landing a shot straight to his chest, his body being thrown backward and thudding against the ground. You stared down at him for a moment, the reality of what you were doing seeping into your mind, before you were suddenly ripped from your thoughts, a new sound rumbling through the forest. 

The third and final ramp was beginning to lower, and you braced yourself, prepared for the sight of yet another battalion of troopers. But to your sheer and absolute horror, your entire body instantly freezing in place, what you saw was not more troopers--but a tall, pale figure, clothed in a long, golden robe, standing at the top of the ramp. You could still see his icy eyes even from the opposite side of the clearing, peering through thin slits across the battlefield, his terrible face staring back at you with a terrifying, menacing expression. His twisted lips were pulled into a deep frown, his long, thinned fingers curled into tight fists by his sides.

Snoke stood there for a moment, the only movement of his body the slow rising and falling of his emaciated chest, before he slowly took a step forward, shifting out from the shadow of the ship and into the light. He looked even more disfigured in the sun, the cracks and crevices in his pasty skin standing out against the lush background of the forest, his robe gleaming blindingly. As he moved forward, the sound of blaster firing behind you seemed to slow almost to a complete stop, the sound of hundreds of whispering voices entering your ears. 

"Oh my god..."

"Is that?..."

"Yes..."

You took in a shaky breath, your body feeling as though it had gone completely numb, Snoke's gaze piercing through you as he stepped further into the light, his feet connecting with the earth and stepping off the ramp completely. The troopers, too, seemed to stop their firing, watching him with a similar, frozen posture. They were just as terrified of him as you were, you quickly realized, though that didn't make it any better. Snoke stepped forward again, the troopers falling back towards the ship as he made his way towards the camp, his tread slow. You wondered why no one was firing at him. They had a perfectly clear shot. Wouldn't it just be easy to...You slowly raised your blaster again, aiming towards his chest, your finger wrapped around the trigger. You took a deep breath, closing one of your eyes as you suddenly pulled it, a white laser shooting out and flying towards his body. But just as soon as it had left your gun, it froze, the glowing beam crackling in the air just in front of Snoke's body. He eyed it lazily, rolling his eyes as he flicked his hand slightly, the laser suddenly shooting back in your direction. You screamed, jumping out of the way to avoid it, your leg throbbing painfully as you slammed back against the ground. It exploded against a tree behind you, the wood cracking and flaming with electricity. You stared at it with wide eyes for a moment, fear coursing through your blood before you turned back to Snoke, his terrible gaze on you for a split second before he turned his head, searching the clearing with glaring eyes. He peered around slowly, eyeing the front line and the X wings hovering above you, but seeming uninterested in any of it. But finally, his gaze locked onto something, his figure tensing as he bared his yellow, crooked teeth. You followed his eye line, searching for what he'd focused on, but as you did, dread settled into your bones. Kylo stood about a ship's length in front of him, his saber crackling in his grasp as he stared at Snoke, his heel planted in the dirt. 

"Kylo Ren..." Snoke's voice echoed through the clearing, sending a shiver through you as you propped your body up on your elbows. "What a disappointment you've become."

"No." Kylo spat, "I've finally realized what you stole from me. And I'm taking it back." Snoke's lips curled into a terrible smirk and he raised a hand to his stomach, a loud laugh spilling from his mouth. 

"Taking it back?" He sneered, "I didn't steal anything from you. I gave you what you desperately wanted. Power." Kylo's lip twitched, hid foot digging deeper into the ground. "You will never be who you used to be." Snoke continued, "Do you really think these people will trust you? After all you've done?" Kylo raised his saber in front of him, tilting it sideways in front of his face, his jaw clenching tightly. 

"You can't control me anymore." Kylo seethed, his voice threaded with pain, "It's over."

"Yes." Snoke's voice dripped out, the snarl growing across his face, "For you...it is." Before Kylo could react, and before you could even blink, Snoke flicked his hand again, Kylo's body suddenly raising high off the ground, his saber dropping to the ground with a smack. Your blood seemed to stop moving through your veins as Kylo struggled against Snoke's invisible grasp, his limbs thrashing in vain. His resistance was no use, his face strained with panic and anger. You jumped up from the ground, your heart slamming in your chest as you suddenly began to sprint towards Snoke, no plan in position. You realized with horror as you ran that you'd forgotten your blaster, it having been thrown away from you when you'd jumped to avoid the blast. But you didn't care. You were focused on Snoke's figure in front of you, your pulse slamming with adrenaline as you charged towards him, your face twisted in rage. He eyed you as you got close, his gaze annoyed and almost bored at your approach, before reaching out his other hand towards you, your whole body freezing mid-step. You tried to resist, but his grasp was too powerful, holding you completely still as you stared up at Kylo's thrashing body, panic settling into your bones. 

"You've forgotten who you're loyal to." Snoke growled, his icy eyes focused on him. "And you've forgotten who made you who you are. The mighty Kylo Ren..." Snoke paused, his smirk disappearing. "Lets see how mighty you truly are." With that, Snoke's hand snapped again, and Kylo's body went flying through the air, smacking with a loud crack against a thick tree trunk, his figure collapsing to the ground with another thud. You screamed, gasping frantically as you watched him with wide, terrified eyes, hot tears welling in your waterline. His body laid at the base of the tree, staying completely still. You couldn't even tell if he was breathing. Please get up, you whispered though your mind, please, please, please. Finally, you saw him arch his back slowly, pushing himself up on his hands, his face strained with pain. You sighed with relief as he sat up, flopping back exhaustedly to rest against the trunk, his chest heaving with gasping breaths. But as your mind flickered back to Snoke, who was now walking towards Kylo with deliberate steps, your heart dropped again. Kylo was completely unarmed, and now injured--unable to stand up and defend himself as Snoke marched towards him, now only a few feet away. As he turned away from you, Snoke's control over your body disappeared, and you dropped to the ground, wincing as your leg throbbed again. But you paid it almost no mind, watching with sheer terror as Snoke reached Kylo's limp figure, lunging down and grabbing the front of Kylo's shirt. He hoisted him up against the tree, Kylo's feet dangled below him, his whole body off the ground. Snoke's face was just inches from his, one of his hands holding up him up against the tree and the other slowly reaching towards his waist. You strained your eyes as you struggled to your feet, trying to see what he was doing. At first you couldn't tell, but as the shiny metal of a blade caught the sun's rays as it was unsheathed, your whole body went cold. 

You began to charge forward again, time seeming to move in slow motion as Snoke pulled the knife further into view, his grasp tightening around it. No, no, no, you pleaded in your mind as you sprinted in their direction, your heart slamming like a drum in your chest. Kylo's eyes darted towards the blade, terror pulsing through his irises as Snoke held it in his grasp, snarling mockingly. 

"You've chosen the wrong side." He growled, lowering the knife to Kylo's chest, pausing, "And now...my loyal apprentice...you will pay." 

With a terrible jolt, Snoke drove the blade deep into Kylo's stomach, a terrible, pained cry escaping past his lips as his whole body tensed in agony against the tree trunk before suddenly going limp, his eyes wide with shock. Snoke stared at him for a moment, twisting the dagger further into his skin before finally dropping his body to the ground with a thud, his figure collapsing sideways. 

Instantly, the entire world seemed to freeze around you, all of the sound reducing to a deafening ring, consuming your mind with horrible, inescapable pain. You couldn't hear it, but a vocal cord shredding scream tore from your throat, your entire body shaking with violent quivers as you charged forward again, hot tears pouring from your eyes like a river. You couldn't breathe, your lungs refusing to accept air as you watched deep red blood begin to seep through Kylo's shirt, dripping down his legs and staining his skin. Snoke stood over him, his shoulder heaving as he glared down at Kylo's bleeding body, the dagger sticking out of his side. 

Snoke still hadn't seemed to notice you as you charged towards him, anger, pure agony, and adrenaline coursing through your blood as your tears flew from your face, your ears ringing loudly. Your vision was blurred, your mind a mess of anguish, but up ahead, something shiny caught your eye. 

Kylo's saber. It laid unassumingly in the dirt, the blades now hidden back within the hilt. Before you could even think, your reached for it, scooping it up off the ground and grasping it tightly in your trembling fist, continuing to charge forward. Snoke's back was still turned to you, his body haunched over Kylo's bleeding figure. You were getting close now, your feet slamming painfully against the earth, the wound in your leg throbbing with a debilitating ache. But you ignored it, coming up on Snoke with quick, long strides. 

He still hadn't noticed you as you raised the hilt of the saber over your head, your fingers finding the activation plate and pressing down, the blade crackling to life above you. As it did, Snoke finally turned around, his eyes focusing on you with a shocked, confused gaze. But it was too late. 

You were on him, a terrible scream spilling from your throat as you drove the saber down through his chest with all the strength left in your body, his crippled face twisting in anguish as the blade sliced through his ribcage, splitting him straight down the middle. You continued down until the saber broke free from his flesh, the smell of rot and cauterization filling the air with a sickening waft. 

Snoke stared down at you for a moment, his lips twisted into a shocked, jaw slacked position. His eyes locked with yours as you stepped back, your chest heaving as you moved the crackling saber to your side, your knuckles white from how tight you were gripping it. His body stood for a moment, the last flicker of life burning out in him as his eyes finally went dead, his tall figure collapsing to the ground in front of you, his body split into two. You stared down at him, every inch of you racked with shakes as his tongue rolled out of his mouth, his dead corpse going completely limp on the forest floor. But you only regarded him for a moment, the sound of Kylo's weak, pained cough snapping you back into reality. 

Your eyes flew to him, and you jumped over Snoke's severed body, rushing to his side, your eyes pouring rivers of hot tears. You slumped down next to him, your knees digging into the dirt as you slid your hands under his back and carefully propped him up against the back of the tree, his whole figure limp. You choked with agony-filled, tear-strangled breaths as you moved your hands to his face, gingerly cupping his chin in your grasp and peering at his complexion, covered in dirt and blood. You wiped it away feverishly as his half-lidded eyes watched you, his chest rising and falling with pained shudders. 

"Stay with me--" You choked, gasping for breath, "Kylo, look at me, hey--" His gaze blurred every few seconds, losing focus on you, but he came back every time, a weak smile on his lips. You scanned your gaze over his body, nausea washing over you again as your eyes fell on the dagger still sticking out of his stomach, blood seeping from the sides. Your knees were covered in it now, your hands drenched too, and you tried desperately to think of a way to stop the blood flow. 

Your mind quickly flickered to the blade hidden in your pants, which you'd almost completely forgotten was there. You reached for it, yanking it out and grabbing at the bottom of your shirt. With a frantic slash, you cut into the fabric, ripping off a long strip and balling it up in your fists. You took a deep breath, staring down at the silver dagger before wrapping your hand around the handle, wincing as you quickly yanked it from Kylo's stomach, a terrible cry spilling from his lips.

"I'm so sorry," You cried, cupping his face with your other hand as you sobbed, tossing the dagger to the side and pressing the fabric against the wound, attempting to stop the bleeding. "I'm so so sorry--" You were struggling to breath as Kylo's blood seeped through the fabric almost instantly, staining the white color a deep red. You were lightheaded, your mind spinning as he stared up at you with blurred, fluttering eyes, his teeth gritted painfully as he continued to bleed out onto the ground, his plasma mixing with your tears as you sobbed over him.

"Stay with me, please--" You repeated, your hands trembling as they cupped his chin, your thumb tracing lightly over his cheek. "Please, I can't--I can't lose you Kylo--" He stared up at you, his breaths coming less frequently now, his skin growing colder to your touch. "Please," You cried again, "Please, I love you so so much, please stay with me--". You frantically glanced back down at the gigantic gash in his side, holding back vomit as it continued to spill out blood, refusing to relent. 

"Shit--" You choked, looking back to his face, which was relaxed now, his eyes calm and focused on you. 

"Y/N..." He whispered, his voice light like a feather floating on the wind.

"Yes," You cried, leaning towards him, your hands supporting the back of his neck.

"You're perfect." He breathed, a tiny smile on his lips. His dimples still stood out against his cheeks, even covered in thick blood. You choked, trying to smile down at him as salty teardrops landed on his chest, absorbing into his shirt.

"No, you are." You sobbed, rubbing your thumb against his cheek again, his skin soft to your touch, "I love you so, so much Kylo. Please, just hold on a little longer--" You sucked in a pained gasp, your head dizzy and tight. 

"I can't feel my legs," He breathed, his voice thin and airy.

"I know," You sniffled, "I know, just hold on, I'm gonna go get help--"

"No," He mumbled, his hand suddenly reaching up to weakly cup your chin, "Please don't leave."

"Kylo, you're dying--" You wailed, your tears streaming down his arm from his hand on your cheek.

"I know," He struggled to suck in a breath, "I want the last thing I see to be you." Your face twisted painfully as you collapsed onto his chest, wrapping your arms around him, your tears soaking his shirt. His limp hand rested against your back, his fingers trailing weakly through his hair as you held him against you, listening to his slowed heartbeat in your ear. You counted the rhythm, sobbing as you realized that this might be the last time you'd ever hear it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

"Y/N?" He whispered, his face buried in your shoulder. 

"Yes," You cried, holding him tighter. He paused, taking in a shaky breath against you.

"I do love you." 

You pulled away from him, your hands wrapped around the back of his neck as you stared at him with shocked, watery eyes. His gaze scanned your face carefully, as if he was absorbing every part of it while he still could. 

"You do?" You sobbed, a disbelieving smile creeping over your lips as he smirked back at you. He nodded weakly, his lids fighting to stay open as your gazes locked, and you felt yourself falling into his dark eyes as if it was the first time you'd ever seen them. You leaned forward slowly, reaching one of your hands down to grab his and bringing the other to his cheek, holding him to you. Your foreheads pressed together, and you could feel your tears streaming down the bridge of your nose and dripping onto his chest. "I can't live without you--" You choked, your breath hitching. 

"Sure you can," He reassured you, squeezing your hand limply, "But I'll never really leave you. No one's ever really gone." A loud sob escaped from you as you leaned forward again, pressing your lips against his lightly, the taste of blood and salty tears mixing together in your mouth. You tried to memorize the feeling as he deepened the kiss, sucking in a shaky breath through his nose. But all too quickly he pulled away, wincing with a pained expression and moving a hand to his wound. You ran your fingers through his hair, tracing the edge of his ear as he leaned into your palm, his eyes fluttering closed. 

"Y/N..." He sucked in a pained breath, "please, tell my mother I--I'm sorry f--for everything I've done."

"She knows." You said quietly, stroking his cheek. "She knows." He nodded weakly, a faint smile on his lips as he settled back against the trunk, his body relaxing slightly in your arms. Silence fell over the two of you for a moment, the breeze blowing softly through the forest. The light trickling in through the gaps in the tree branches highlighted his complexion, the constellation of beauty marks across his skin imprinting into your memory. His raven hair, clumped with dirt and blood, fell over his eyes, and you brushed it away lightly, your fingers lingering against his skin. "Kylo." You whispered, running your hand over his chest. But no answer came. You furrowed your brow. "Kylo?" You tried again, your heart rate speeding up. Nothing. "Kylo!" You tried for a third time, your voice raising. Again, nothing. You froze, your heart stopping in your chest. Your blood went cold. Your mind was blank. Your entire body was numb. You couldn't feel your hands. Your arms. Your legs. Nothing. You could barely form words in your mind to speak. You couldn't breathe. Everything instantly shut down, refusing to operate. 

"Kylo?..." You tried one last time, the flicker of hope in your heart slowly fizzling out, the flood of tears returning to your cheeks. When no response came, you keeled over, a terrible scream pouring from your lips as you collapsed onto his chest, your body racked with uncontrollable sobs. You grasped at his shirt, taking balls of it in your fists and pulling him to you, his body falling into your arms. You cradled him against you, feeling the heat drain from his skin as his blood continued to seep into your clothing, staining it deep red. "I can't live without you--" You sobbed into him, "I can't--" You rocked back and forth with his body pressed up against yours, searching for his heartbeat. You couldn't find it, crying harder as you closed your eyes, trying desperately to bring back all the happy memories. But they wouldn't come--your mind flooded with all consuming grief, ripping your heart to pieces. No pain had ever come close to this. Your chest felt as though it had been sliced open, your heart gripped and squeezed until it was bled dry. 

You couldn't process what was happening as two hands suddenly gripped around your shoulders, muffled voices speaking around you. All you could hear was your own sobs and a loud ringing in your ears, blocking out all other sounds. But without warning, your arms were pried away from Kylo's body and you were forced to your feet, yanked backwards towards the camp. You screamed, trying desperately to fight back--to make your way back to him. But the person holding you was too strong, leading you away with a tight grip on your wrist. Through blurry eyes you saw Kylo's body lift off the ground, fuzzy figures surrounding him and blocking him from your view. You screamed again, your vocal cords aching painfully, but it was no use. You continued to be forced away from him, your heart shattering as your head throbbed painfully, the dizzy, nauseated feeling returning. Normally, you would fight it--to try and stay conscious. But now, there was no point. There was nothing for you to live for anymore. 

Kylo was gone, and you didn't want to exist without him. So you closed your eyes, succumbing to the black out and fading away into the darkness, letting it consume you. Your body went limp in the person's grasp, flopping to the ground with a hard thud. The last thing you processed was the memory of Kylo's heartbeat in your ear, and how desperately you would miss listening to it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...


	27. I Told You I Wouldn't Leave You

Your brain was fuzzy--unable to process what was going on around you. Through your blurred vision, you could see the bleary figures of people standing over you, but you couldn't really discern that they were people--or that you were even awake at all. You barely were, your mind fading in and out of consciousness. 

It was easier not to wake up. It was easier to convince yourself that you were dead. Because as soon as you started to think clearly--as soon as you started to really come back to earth, all of the terrible, heart-wrenching memories came flooding back, drowning you in a feeling that consumed your entire body. 

You weren't sure how long you were out. A few days at least. You couldn't have moved even if you wanted to, your leg blistering with infection, mud, dirt, and blood clotted against your skin. Every once and a while, you could feel someone adjusting the blankets covering your body, making sure you were still breathing. Though you wished that you weren't. 

You could hear the beeping of machines above your head, the sterile feeling of infirmary sheets covering you. You barely ever opened your eyes, but when you did, you could instantly tell where you were. Though you still couldn't see very clearly, you recognized the same tent you'd been kept in a few days before, the soft cot holding you up. But this time, the bed next to you was void of Kylo's figure, making your entire body ache with grief when you turned on your side, your eyes falling on the empty mattress. You could still picture him laying there, his face pointed towards the ceiling as a soft snore escaped his lips. The memory burned in your mind as you rolled back over, hiding your face underneath the stiff sheets, the overwhelming feeling washing over you, seeming to suck all of the life out of your soul. 

You spent most of the days asleep, or at least half-asleep, your mind trying to find a way to escape. But even when you slept, his face showed up in your dreams, his hands wrapped around you, holding you to his chest. His heartbeat danced through your memories, like a loud drum in your ears. In every vision, you'd trace your fingers through his hair and down his face, drawing lines between his beauty marks and pressing his soft lips to yours, his warmth making you feel safe. Loved. You were afraid that you'd never be able to feel the way he made you feel again. No one else could measure up. He was the one for you, you were sure. And now, he was gone. 

It had been a few days, or at least you assumed it had been. You weren't really sure. The hours all blended together, the sun rising and falling over and over outside the tent. But when you finally opened you eyes again after what felt like forever, the morning light was just starting to trickle in through the doorway, a sweet smelling breeze flowing through the air. Surprisingly, your vision was clear, everything sharp and identifiable around you. You weren't crying yet either, so you could see perfectly, sitting up slightly to glance around. When you did, you jumped a little, yelping as Jina's face greeted you, sitting on the edge of your cot. 

"Sorry!" She whispered, sliding closer and sticking out her hand comfortingly, "Didn't mean to scare you."

"It's fine..." You sighed, settling into an upright position. Your whole body ached as you did, and you winced, your head throbbing a little. 

"I can imagine you're sore." She mumbled, "You took quite a beating." You nodded, your face pointed down at your lap. You didn't want to look at her--at her pitying expression as she stared at you. Your mind flashed to Kylo, your stomach dropping sickeningly. "So," She said, sliding even closer, "How are you feeling?"

"How do you think?" You muttered, your jaw clenched. 

"So...you don't want to talk about it then." She said. You could still feel her gaze on you, but you refused to look up. 

"No." You spat, a lump forming in your throat, "I don't." 

"Y/N, you've been here for about a week now and you haven't spoken once. You've barely even moved." She pushed, sighing. "You need to talk to someone about this."

"I--" You stuttered, shaking your head as the tears finally appeared, welling in your waterline. "I can't." You slammed your eyes shut, trying to block out the flood, but it came anyway, dripping down your cheeks defiantly. 

"Oh, no..." Jina mumbled, leaning forward and wrapping her arms around you, pulling you into a tight embrace. You didn't even have the energy to hug her back, but she didn't seem to mind as you buried your head in her shoulder, your tears soaking her shirt. She stroked your hair comfortingly, shushing you as you sobbed, gasping with choked breaths. 

"I don't want to live without him--" You cried, sniffling, "I can't do it."

"I'm so sorry," She rocked you, squeezing you tighter, "I know that it feels like your whole world is ending right now, but I promise that in time it will get better."

"How?" You whispered, your lip trembling. 

"It will." You shook your head against her, but said nothing else. You couldn't explain to her the way you were feeling. The way you'd lost the will to live. The way your heart felt as if it was physically being ripped in half with every beat. The way your eyes refused to stay dry. The way you knew that no matter how much time passed, you'd never get over this. Not in any real way. 

Jina pulled back, her hands resting on your shoulders as you finally met her gaze, an encouraging smile on her lips. 

"I'll come back to check on your vitals later." She said, standing up from the cot and looking down at you. "I'm so sorry again, Y/N." You nodded up at her, teary eyed and exhausted, before you collapsed back down onto the mattress, your face pointed up at the ceiling. Your head was spinning with far too many thoughts--all of them bringing you right back to the memories of him. You couldn't get them out of your head. It was like they were tattooed on the backs of your eyelids, playing like never-ending movies behind your closed eyes. You rolled over onto your side, ignoring the ache above your knee and trying to fall back asleep. At least in your dreams, he was still alive. 

~a few hours later~

A hand laid on your arm, snapping you awake suddenly. When you pried your eyes open, wide with panic, your gaze fell on Leia's face, making you freeze instantly. You hadn't seen her since that day. You hadn't talked to her about what had happened. Immediately, guilt washed over you like a tidal wave. Why hadn't you thought about how she must be feeling? That was her son. She'd just gotten him back, and before she could even get to know him again, he was ripped away. You looked up at her, tears already brimming in your waterline. But you held them back, sitting up.

"Leia..." You whispered, swallowing the lump in your throat. She smiled down at you, her face looking surprisingly...joyful? There was no sign of tears in her eyes, or even dark circles around them. They weren't puffy like yours were, reddened by all the crying, and you furrowed your brows confusedly. 

"How's your leg?" She asked quietly, sitting down on the edge of the cot.

"Fine," You shook your head, "But how are you?" Leia smiled again, wider this time. 

"Amazing today." She glowed, her eyes shining brightly. But you couldn't believe what she was saying. Your mouth hung open, stuttering. 

"I--I'm sorry if this sounds rude, but...how?" Leia reached down suddenly, grabbing your wrist. 

"Can you walk?" She asked, ignoring your previous question. You paused, confusion painted all over your expression. 

"Um, I think so?" You muttered, pulling the sheets off your legs and swinging your feet over the side of the bed, eyeing her suspiciously. You still didn't understand how she could be so cheery--or how she was even able to function. Your whole world was crumbling around you and here she was--smiling like nothing had happened. It almost made you angry. You stood up slowly, your whole body aching painfully, especially your leg, which wobbled underneath you. But Leia wrapped her arm through yours, holding you up against her body. 

"I have something to show you." She grinned, "I think it will help to cheer you up."

"I seriously doubt it." You snapped, limping forward as she began to lead you out of the tent, the bright sun shining down on you as you ducked into the open. It was blinding after so long of being inside, and you winced, shielding your face with your hand. But it did feel nice against your skin, warming you comfortingly. Leia walked you through the camp, going slow as you struggled to move your legs with each step, cursing under your breath. You tried to take a few deep breaths, the sweet morning air entering your lungs. It helped a little bit, calming your frustration as your legs gradually felt a little stronger, your knees ceasing to wobble. 

Leia tread along the long line of tents, her smile refusing to relent. You couldn't even look at her. The dimples in her cheeks reminded you of him. Everything about her did, really, and you couldn't bear it. 

You walked for a few minutes, each new step draining more energy from your exhausted body. You hadn't really eaten anything in days, and your stomach growled hungrily, your head growing dizzy. 

"I don't feel good." You muttered, your stomach flipping. "I think I need to go back."

"Perfect timing." Leia said, stopping before a small tent--one you'd never seen before, "We're here."

"Where is here?" You said, your voice cold and dead. "Leia, I really need to go back."

"I promise that you'll feel better if you just go inside." Leia encouraged, gesturing towards the doorway. You sighed, closing your eyes tiredly. 

"Fine." You mumbled, "Then can I go back?" She nodded, the same aggravating smile on her lips. You rolled your eyes as she let go of your arm, gesturing again towards the entryway. You complied grudgingly, reaching your hand forward and gripping the fabric hanging over the door, pulling it away and stepping inside, your gaze on the floor. Your tired eyes raised slowly, falling on the legs of a bed, then a mattress, then someone's arms laying over the sheets--

Your heart stopped, the rest of your body freezing with it. 

As your eyes raised all the way, you saw him. 

Kylo's face met your gaze, smiling at you with those dimples you'd recognize anywhere. Instantly, your breath caught in your throat, oceans of water pooling in your eyes. All of the pain in your body evaporated. All of the exhaustion, the grief, the ache--dissipated in the blink of an eye as if it was never there. You slapped your hands over your mouth as the tears began to stream down your face, a loud sob escaping your lips as you ran towards him, faster than you'd ever moved, ignoring the blistering gash in your leg. You couldn't feel it anymore. He opened his arms wide as you collided into him, your face burying in his shoulder as your body curled around his, your hands gripping onto his shirt, holding him against you as tight as you possibly could. You sobbed against him, your hands flying into his hair and running through it as you gasped with shaky breaths, your entire body shivering. His skin was warm to the touch--alive. You could feel his heartbeat slamming as his chest pressed up against yours, and you choked-- joyful, disbelieving tears soaking your cheeks. His arms were wrapped tightly around you, holding you close to him as he rocked you back and forth on the bed, the biggest smile you'd ever had plastered across you lips. 

Finally, you pulled back, your hands moving to cup his chin in your palms as you stared at him, sobbing uncontrollably. He smiled back at you, but as your gaze scanned over his face, you quickly realized--he was crying too. You'd only seen him cry once before, but this time, it destroyed you even more. A loud, choked sob escaped your lips, and you ran your shaking thumb over his cheek, wiping a tear away. 

"I--" You breathed, your lungs finally letting air in, "You're alive--I can't believe it." He tilted his head towards your hand, kissing your palm lightly as you held his face in your grasp. "H--how?" You could barely speak through your cries, strangling your throat tightly. 

"I told you I wouldn't leave you." He whispered, his voice low and groggy. The sound of it lit your heart on fire, happiness soaking through your bones and spreading into every inch of your body. You shot forward, feverishly pressing his lips up against yours. You could feel him smiling, and you did the same, his arms wrapping around the back of your neck, holding you to him. 

"I love you so much," You whispered in between kisses, your hands moving back into his hair, tracing the edge of his ears. "Holy shit--I thought I lost you."

"I love you too," His voice was like music in your ears, your skin tingling under his touch. "and I'm never gonna let you go." You pulled away from his lips, burying your head in the crook of his shoulder once more, wrapping your legs around his hips and curling around him, your chests pressed together. He held you tight, his breathing steady even as he cried softly into your hair, his sniffles matching yours. 

The rest of the world melted away as you sat there, your bodies intertwined. You took a deep breath, trying to memorize his scent. The way he felt pressed against you. His heartbeat. Everything. Your heart was racing faster than it ever had, your body feeling energized--alive, for the first time in what seemed like forever. You leaned away from him, your hands resting against his chest as you scanned over his body. 

His face was bruised, covered in small cuts and gashes, one of his eyes swollen and black. His raven hair, matted and tangled, hung into his face messily, covering his forehead and hanging over his eyelids. His lip was busted slightly on the right side, but looked like it was healing, the cut scabbing over. Your gaze lowered to his chest, then down to his waist, your eyes searching frantically for his wound. You shifted backwards, lifting up the bottom of his shirt to reveal his skin. When you saw it, a wave of guilt washed through you. His entire abdomen was wrapped in thick bandages, his skin bruised and swollen around where the dagger had been stuck. You knew that it wasn't your fault, but looking at it still made you sick, as if there was some way you could have stopped it. You knew you couldn't have, but the thought was there nonetheless.

You stared at it, unable to rip your eyes away, the trauma of that moment seeping back into your memory. Your body froze on top of him as the memories flooded back, your vision clouding. Your heart started to slam faster, your skin growing cold as you heard your own screams echoing in your mind, your pained cries sending shivers through you. 

"Hey," Kylo's voice snapped you out of your panic, his hands wrapping around your wrists, "Hey, look at me." You finally raised your eyes to meet his, gasping with frantic breaths. "I'm okay." He reassured you, reaching up to cup your chin in his palm, your body instantly calming. "I'm okay."

"Okay," You choked, flashing him a weak smile. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He whispered, bringing your hand to his lips, kissing along your palm and up your wrist, making your whole body shiver. You were about to say something else, but just as you opened your mouth to speak, you heard the tent's door being pulled open. Leia walked inside, glowing with a wide smile. You realized with humiliation that you were still wrapped around Kylo's body, your legs straddling his waist, but Leia just chuckled, walking towards you. 

"I know love when I see it Y/N," She laughed, "I didn't believe for a second that there wasn't something going on." You smirked, embarrassed, as you slid your legs off of Kylo, dropping your feet back to the floor by his bedside. Kylo, too, was smiling awkwardly as he flopped his head back onto the pillow propped up behind his head. 

"Why did no one tell me?" You whispered, looking between him and Leia as she moved to stand next to you, "I had no idea he was still alive."

"He was in a coma for a few days," Leia sighed, "We weren't sure if he was gonna make it. I didn't want to get your hopes up." You nodded, shifting closer to Kylo and staring down at him, who's eyes were now closed. "He just woke up this morning." She muttered, her eyes filled with worry. You sighed, reaching for Kylo's hand and taking it in yours. 

"I just can't believe this," You choked, a faint laugh escaping your lips as you traced your thumb over his hand, "I thought I'd lost him."

"I know," Leia shook her head, "I did too." Kylo squeezed your hand, his eyes reopening as he looked up at the two of you. Silence fell over the room as he stared, his eyes slowly glazing over with a far away look. 

"Snoke's gone." He breathed, sounding like he was still trying to convince himself.

"Yes," You nodded, "He's dead." Kylo shook his head in disbelief, sighing deeply.

"He destroyed my life." He mumbled, his gaze drifting away from you and seeming to get lost out in the distance. "I'm not sure how to get it back."

"With time," Leia reached out her hand, resting it on his shoulder, "People will grow to trust you again. Like I do." He turned to her, smiling. 

"Thank you." He said, "I don't deserve your forgiveness."

"Maybe not," Leia chuckled, "But you have it." Kylo smirked at her, his eyes filled with gratitude. "Well, I have to go," She sighed after a moment, eyeing the two of you, "I'll leave you two be." You nodded, smiling at her as she turned to leave, ducking back out into the clearing, her footsteps moving farther and farther away from the tent. 

As she did, you turned back to Kylo, who suddenly yanked you forward by your wrists and hoisted you back up onto the bed. You giggled as he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into the mattress next to him, laying you on your side. He wrapped his body around yours, his chest pressed against your back as his head nestled into the crook of your shoulder. You could feel his warm breath against your neck as he exhaled, and he pulled the sheets over you, your legs weaving together. His hair tickled your skin, and you laughed again as he planted small kisses along your shoulder and up your neck, his fingers drawing lines over your arms. Silence fell over the room once more, the only sound the beating of your hearts next to each other, melting into one cohesive rhythm. 

"I love you Kylo." You whispered after a moment, your heart glowing brighter than it ever had. 

"I love you too," He kissed your shoulder again, his hand moving to find yours. "I always have." You rolled over, your face now in front of his as you laid sideways on the mattress, your eyes locking together. He smiled, reaching up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear. 

"You're perfect."


	28. Home

~two years later~

The sun was just beginning to peak over the mountaintops, a slow, airy fog trickling down through the canopy and settling at the base of the water. The lake below you glistened brightly as the warm morning rays caught against the calm surface, reflecting like flecks of diamonds in your eyes. The sweet breeze blew softly through your hair, which was down and flowing over your shoulders, the loose strands blowing around your face. Birds chirped in the trees hanging over the cobblestone balcony, their songs flittering through your ears like quiet music. 

You took in a slow, deep breath, rubbing your chilled arms as the sun cured the goosebumps covering your skin, warming your body comfortingly. Your long dress flowed around your legs, the thin fabric swaying with the movement of the breeze. For a while, you just stood there, your back pressed up against a tall, stone pillar, watching the sun rise over the top of the mountains, its light dancing across the lake's serene surface. But after a moment, you slowly moved to the edge of the balcony, looking down at the beautiful scenery around you. It was gorgeous, this place. The most gorgeous place you'd ever been. 

The lush forest surrounding you now reminded you of the resistance base, which you hadn't visited since you'd left it two years ago. But you remembered it fondly, and you could still picture the clearing perfectly as if it was still in front of you, the hundreds of tents laid out before your eyes. You could still smell the sweet breeze. You could still feel the speckled sun, shining down through the gaps in the tree branches over your head and dotting your skin with warmth. 

Sometimes you missed it, but you would never want to leave this place. It felt like home now. Your home. And you'd never really had that before. 

You were lost in thought as two hands suddenly wrapped around your waist, Kylo's chest pressing up against your back as he hugged you tightly from behind. He nuzzled his head into the crook of your shoulder, and you leaned yours against him, smiling warmly. 

"How are you feeling?" He whispered, kissing your cheek lightly as he traced his hand over your growing belly. 

"Good." You murmured, resting your hand on top of his, your palm tiny in comparison. "No nausea today."

"I'm glad." He shifted behind you, moving to rest his chin on the top of your head as his arms stayed around you, holding you tightly. "I got a message from my mother." You turned around, looking up at him and placing your hands on his forearms. 

"Really? What did she say?"

"She's coming to visit." He said, brushing a strand of your hair out of your face. "She wants to help us get ready. For when the baby comes." His eyes flickered down to your stomach, a wide smile creeping across his lips. He reached down, laying his palm against it so lightly that it was as if he thought you were made of glass--like you would shatter if he wasn't careful enough. Your heart glowed as he did, and you placed your hand on top of his once more, your fingers winding together. You leaned forward, resting your head against his chest as he rocked you back in forth slowly, the breeze ruffling his thick hair and falling over his raven eyes. Every time you listened to his heartbeat now, you savored it. It slammed in his chest, echoing through your ears as you leaned against him, your fingers tracing along the hem of his shirt, your eyes closed blissfully. 

"Do you remember when you told me that happiness was just an illusion?" You whispered after a moment, his hand running through your hair.

"Yes." He mumbled, sighing deeply. 

"You said that love was the same way."

"I did." He pulled back, your eyes locking together as his gaze scanned over your complexion, his expression blank for a moment.

"Are you happy now?" You breathed, searching his face pleadingly. To your relief, he smiled again, leaning forward slowly and pressing his lips against yours, one of his hands cupping your chin and the other resting on your stomach. He breathed deeply against you, your cheeks glowing, before he pulled away, his forehead pressed to yours. 

"I was wrong before." He whispered, his eyes closed. "Of course I'm happy." Warmth spread through your body as he pulled you into a tight embrace, your head buried in his shoulder as he held you to him. It was yet another one of those moments where you never wanted to let go. If you could have stayed there, wrapped in his arms forever, you would have. But he pulled away slowly, his hand resting on the small of your back as you walked together to the edge of the balcony, looking out over the endlessly stretching lake. The sun gleamed even brighter against the surface now, his eyes catching the reflection and highlighting those golden flecks in his irises that you'd noticed the very first time you saw him. His silver wedding ring glinted in the rays, shining in your eyes as the light reflected off the metal. He was beautiful as he leaned over the railing, his hair blowing softly in the wind as he scanned the horizon line. You stared at him for a moment, smiling widely as joy seeped through you, coursing through your bones and lighting your heart on fire. 

After a few moments of silence, you stepped towards him again, nestling under his arm. He responded, wrapping it around your side and pulling you towards him, your head moving back to rest against his chest. You closed your eyes, the sound of his heartbeat again sounding through your ears. You never wanted to stop hearing it. Because it meant that he was alive. He was with you. He was yours. And he loved you. Really loved you. 

You took in a deep breath, exhaling against him as you counted the rhythm in your ears, just like you always did, appreciating each beat with everything in you. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6...

~The End~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so so much for all the love on this story. I've had so much fun writing it and I'm actually really sad that it's over lol. But I will be starting a new fic soon (like within a week hopefully) so check for that! I have some ideas, but feel free to leave recommendations in the comments below. Also, let me know what you thought about this story! I'll try to reply to all the comments <3


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